Bulletin Board of the Nerds

All of the projects that I want to and/or am contractually obligated to work on over the next few months have been placed on a large bulletin board. An index card lists the project, and multi-colored pushpins underneath the cards (in red, yellow, purple, blue, pink, white, and two varieties of green) represent 1000-word increments. There are also index cards for the individual stories I have to edit for UNTIL SOMEBODY LOSES AN EYE, and the category introductions I have to write for when I host the EPPIES banquet in March.

Next to the Bulletin Board of the Nerds is a barren bulletin board. As I yank pins out of the first board, they will be moved to the second board. So any time during 2007 I can look over and say "I'm a slacker! A horrible, horrible slacker!" and wallow in an appropriate amount of shame, or say "Whoa! I am a writing MACHINE! Time for some Bejeweled 2!"

Here's a very poor camera-phone picture of the board for your ridicule.

2007: A Year of Dark, Scary Secrets!

I've got lots and lots of stuff coming up for 2007...but I'm not allowed to talk about most of it. (I even got the thrill of signing a non-disclosure agreement!) That said, here, presented in a vague and uninteresting manner, are some of the major projects you'll see from me next year:

--A new "serious" thriller, although one that's not quite as much of a departure from my usual style as PRESSURE.

--A collaborative novel that may be the most over-the-top, action-packed thing I've ever half-written.

--GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, my first book-length short story collection.

--My next horror/comedy novel for Delirium Books. Actually, I'm allowed to talk about this one all I want, but I shan't. Technically it won't be published until early 2008, but pre-orders will begin in late 2007 so I'm including it here.

--THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE, the feel-good zombie novel of 2007! This one went up for pre-order in 2006, so including it on the same list as the Delirium novel above is like padding my resume, but I care not.

--A trio of short stories in a collection with some other mucho-cool authors.

--A dark comedy novella that will feature my most shameless promotional gimmick ever.

--A novella in a five-author collection to be published by...I THINK I'm allowed to say that it's from New Babel Books. If not, my bad.

--UNTIL SOMEBODY LOSES AN EYE, a collection of dark humor tales from Twisted Publishing. My debut into the world of (co-)editing.

--The first print edition of my comedy for kids (and adults who were warped as kids) ELROD McBUGLE ON THE LOOSE.

Seeya next year!

How I Almost Went To Jail

So I'm at the grocery, buying sour cream and mayonnaise for some super-healthy jalapeno dip. I pay with a twenty. The cashier takes out her magic counterfeit-bill-detecting pen and swishes it across the bill. She frowns. Draws another line on it. Frowns. Looks at me. Holds the bill up to the light. Frowns. Draws one more line.

"I'm sorry, sir, I need to go get some change," she says, leaving and taking the bill with her.

I can't help but feel insulted by this. Of course she doesn't need change. Obviously, the three swishes with the pen and the frowns mean that she thinks the bill is fake. Now, I don't expect her to say "Pardon me, sir, but I need to confirm your felony," but at least show me the respect to make up a more reasonable cover story like "Goodness gracious, my pen must not be functioning properly! Allow me to retrieve another!" or "Oh, crap, I shouldn't have had that second burrito...I'll be back in a second!"

So she walks over to the customer service department and talks to somebody important-looking. They both glance back at me. I note that the only person blocking my way to the exit is elderly and easily push-out-of-the-wayable, but I'll save that as a last resort. I wonder how exactly you prove that you didn't know you were carrying phony cash. I decide that I'm going to be really ticked off if this jalapeno dip ends up costing me twenty bucks.

Five minutes pass. I decide that going to jail will make a really amusing blog entry.

Then, in a total cop-out of an ending, the cashier returns, apologizes for the delay, and gives me my change. Either somebody verified that it was genuine cash or they looked at my angelic features and decided that I must be innocent. I go home. The jalapeno dip is exquisite.

I blame The Amazing Randi for this whole thing. He's that skeptic with the standing offer of one million dollars to anybody who can prove that they have paranormal abilities. We went to see him speak a few years ago, and he talked about those counterfeit-bill-detecting pens, saying that they're a complete scam. And apparently, all you have to do to make a real bill register as fake is spray it with starch. So, on a regular basis, he withdraws thousands of dollars worth of twenties, sprays 'em with starch, and re-deposits them, with the hope that enough false counterfeits show up that businesses quit using the pens.

I thought it sounded like a crummy trick, because while I doubt that our jails are full of The Amazing Randi's victims, there may be a lot of innocent people who are out twenty bucks. So if you're reading this, Amazing Randi, you made your point and you're off the hook this time, since I got my sour cream, mayonnaise, and change.

But if it happens again, I'm going to use my paranormal abilities to make your head blow up.

It's Teaser Time!!!

Though my next book is shrouded in a veil of smoky secrecy, I'm more than a little pleased to share the following blurb:

"Jeff Strand proves once again why he's the king of comedic horror, with a story so unrelentingly surprising and unflinchingly nasty that there's something entertaining to be found on every single page. This is a funny -- painfully funny -- read, dripping with pitch black humor and lots of light literary wit. If you liked the movie Matador, you'll love this book because Strand takes the jaded, morally-reprehensible criminal subgenre up a notch in a tale about a body that refuses to die, and a man who refuses to be outdone by it."
-- Michael Arnzen, three-time Bram Stoker Award winner and author of LICKER and PLAY DEAD

More details coming soon...

Woo-Hoo! I'm Time Magazine's Person of the Year!!!

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1569514,00.html

Now I want some frickin' respect around this place, got it?

Goin' Away

I'll be gone most of today and a good chunk of tomorrow, so if you miscreants choose to fill up my blog comments with shameless self-promo for your books, websites, pets, etc., there's really nothing I can do to stop you.

Birthday One-Up

My birthday is tomorrow, which means that I have about five hours and twenty minutes left to become a hugely successful author before I turn thirty-six.

I was talking to a co-worker about how those of us with December birthdays often get SCREWED on the whole birthday present deal, with the "It's a birthday present AND a Christmas present!" scam.

However, she pointed out that, being a twin, not only did she have to share every single birthday party, but also a large number of presents. That sucks even more.

Holy Zork! It's Another Sale!

Just as you were recovering from the astounding awesomeness of the Earthling Publications sale, along comes a Mundania Press sale: Through the end of the year, everything is 25% off! Why, that's a savings of only 8.33% less than a third off the cover price!

All ya gotta do is type in the coupon code "SANTA" when you check out.

You can get the entire Andrew Mayhem series, in paperback and/or hardcover! Or MANDIBLES! Or even HOW TO RESCUE A DEAD PRINCESS. I bet you didn't buy HOW TO RESCUE A DEAD PRINCESS, did you? Well, now you have no excuse.

Give them as gifts! Drop them into Salvation Army donation buckets! Use the hardcover editions to beat your way through insane holiday shopping crowds! Just visit...

http://www.mundania.com/authors-jeffstrand.html

...for my delightful little bio and links to all of my Mundania books. Although you don't only have to buy my books. The sale is for all books. So grab some Elaine Corvidae, Rie Sheridan, Adrienne Jones, L.B. Milano, Skyla Dawn Cameron, and Piers Anthony while you're there.

Awesome Earthling Sale Reminder

If I were really obnoxious, I'd repost the entire silly little skit...but that would be wrong. So I'm just reminding you that today (Saturday) is the LAST DAY to enjoy Earthling's awesome sale, which would enable you to buy copies of PRESSURE for everybody on your holiday shopping list at a price that will literally make powerful streams of drool jettison from your mouth.

Yep, if you order two or more currently-available books (excluding THE UNBLEMISHED by Conrad Williams, because that one's just about gone, and any lettered editions) between now and 11:59 PM (in the time zone of your choosing) on Saturday the 9th, you will receive 50% off your total order!

They can be the same book (re: PRESSURE) or different books (re: PRESSURE and something else).

To see the book selection, head on over to:

http://www.earthlingpub.com/books.htm

However, don't order from the website. Instead, send the list of titles you want (example: "PRESSURE - 35 copies") to earthlingpub@yahoo.com and they'll be in touch.

Stock up for the cold winter months.

The Astounding Badness of Mayhem the Cat

Contact me for a price quote. No reasonable offer refused.

Save Paul Miller's Spine!

Paul Miller, ruler of Earthling Publications, recently made a heartbreaking announcement that elicited cries of sympathy worldwide: He's moving.

Man, I hate moving. I still have cold-sweat-inducing flashbacks to my last move (I say "AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!" a lot when they happen) and that was years ago.

Paul, being a publisher of books, has a lot of books to move. And unfortunately, without YOUR help, the following scenario may occur:

[Scene: The offices of Earthling Publications. Paul Miller is packing up an extremely large box.]

PAUL [muttering]: Stupid PRESSURE novel...thousands of unsold copies...damn Strand and his camera...I didn't even bite the stripper that hard...can't believe I have to move these things to the new office...

[Paul packs the last of the PRESSURE copies, seals up the box, and lifts it.]

SOUND EFFECT: CUH-RACK!!!

PAUL: MY BACK!!! Oh, the pain! The pain! Sweet merciful angels in heaven, please make the pain stop! Ow! Ow! Owowowowowowowowwwwwwwww!!!

[Paul falls to the floor. His adorable daughter bursts into the room.]

PAUL'S DAUGHTER: Daddy! Daddy! What's wrong?

PAUL: I'm sorry, my precious butterfly, I'm so sorry! I won't be around to see you grow up. Promise me you'll take care of your mother! Promise me!

PAUL'S DAUGHTER: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

[Paul lets out one last gasp...and then expires.]

LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN: Mr. Miller, I've just noticed that I never asked you to sign your $1,000,000 life insurance policy, but if you'll initial right here you'll be all set and...uh-oh...

SOME GUY FROM THE FUTURE: The Chosen One has died! The prophecy will never come to pass, and the eight-headed fifteen-horned beast will devour all of mankind! Run!

PARIS HILTON: I was just elected President! That's hot.

Do you want this to happen? I'm pretty sure you don't. That's why, Earthling Publications is having their first-ever Please Help Me Not Have To Haul All Of This Crap To The New Office sale!

If you order two or more currently-available books (excluding THE UNBLEMISHED by Conrad Williams and any lettered editions) between now and 11:59 PM on Saturday the 9th, you will receive 50% off your total order!

You could get a hardcover copy of PRESSURE for $12.50! That's just plain wacky! Why not make Earthling your one-stop shopping place this holiday season and order copies of PRESSURE for all of your friends and loved ones? They'll think you spent $25! It's like getting double the credit for the quality of your gift.

You can also pick up many other fine Earthling titles, including titles by the awesome James Newman, the awesome Erik Tomblin, the awesome Brian Hodge, the awesome Brian Knight, the awesome Gary Braunbeck, the awesome Dan Simmons, the awesome Jeffrey Thomas, and gobs of other awesome writers. Or you can just order a bunch of copies of PRESSURE. Your call.

To see the book selection, head on over to:

http://www.earthlingpub.com/books.htm

However, don't order from the website. Instead, send the list of titles you want (example: "PRESSURE - 18 copies") to earthlingpub@yahoo.com and they'll send you a quote.

Remember, this offer ends one minute before midnight on Saturday, December 9th.

Stock up, baby.

My Least Favorite Part of the Writing Process...

...is reviewing galleys.

Galleys are cool at first glance, because it's the first time you get to see the book in its final layout. It actually looks like a real book, instead of something that's in 12 pt. double-spaced Courier New. (Self-published Lulu books presented in 12 pt. double-spaced Courier New are exempt from this comparison.)

When you go through the galleys, you get one last chance to find any errors. But that's really all you're looking for: errors. And not "Wow, does Chapter Sixteen ever suck!" errors, but tiny errors. If you send in a completely revised version of Chapter Sixteen at the galley stage, your publisher will beat the crap out of you with a chunk of frozen crap.

Now, if you find a really BIG mistake, like a loophole in your time-travel logic that means that your heroine is having enthusiastic carnal relations with her great-great-great-great grandfather, they'll probably let you fix it. But otherwise, the book in galleys form is pretty much the book in published form.

The final proofreading of my manuscript is my favorite part of the process. At that point, I'm a genius...nay, a super-genius! This book is AWESOME!!! Gooooooo Jeff! I'll be putting a down payment on that harem any minute now! Woo-hoo!!!

The thought process changes approximately 1.7 seconds after I click "Send." Then, every previously unseen flaw in the book bursts into my brain with a force that knocks me out of my chair and through the window in my office. I can't BELIEVE I sent the publisher that garbage. I am the epitome of lameness. I wait for the inevitable e-mail response that says "Dear Jeff: WTF?"

As time passes, my opinion of the book slips to somewhere in-between the two extremes.

I like it more and more throughout the editorial process. I enjoy that process quite a bit, even when the editor has to say things like "Hey, dumbass, you're using movie physics. Getting shot by a bullet doesn't throw somebody back against a wall. MythBusters proved it." (I did that twice in THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE.)

By the end, I'm likin' the book a lot.

Then the galleys arrive.

Now that I really can't change much, the book returns to the place where it was 1.7 seconds after I clicked "Send." I grit my teeth, take a deep breath, weep a little, and do my final typo search, thinking how sweeeeeeeet it was when I was working in Microsoft Word and could alter any little thing I wanted. If I wanted the main character to be named Ferdinand instead of Zorkon Prime III, I could just do a quick "replace." But in the galley stage, he must remain Zorkon Prime III.

Ouch.

In theory, the worst part would be months later when I actually read the published book. But I don't read the published book. Ever. I lovingly cradle it, maybe stroke the spine, but I never actually re-read any of it except perhaps to open the book, take a quick glimpse, shout "Oh dear God NO!" and slam it shut.

HEY, KIDS, IT'S READER PARTICIPATION TIME! If you're a writer, what's your favorite and least favorite part of the process? Post a comment and let me know. If you're not a writer, post a comment about cats. Because people like cats, and I want to increase my blog readership, and if it takes cat discussions to do it, that's fine with me!

THESE GUNS FOR HIRE Review

Excerpt from The Tomb of Dark Delights review (http://www.countgore.com/Tomb.htm)

"I was delighted to find one of my favorite writers of totally twisted horror, Jeff Strand, included as well. His bizarre story about one of the most ineffective hitmen ever to pick up a gun is just what I would have expected from this crazy guy."

I'm so cool. Sometimes.

My Current Favorite Music

I have this fan who is a bankruptcy attorney. I honestly don't know if he genuinely likes my books or if he just thinks that I may be a good candidate for needing his services in the future, but back in May he sent me an e-mail titled "A Sort Of Soundtrack To Your Musings" that contained the song "Re Your Brains" by Jonathan Coulton.

I loved it. Not only is the song (about brain-eating zombies who still have a corporate mentality) hilarious, but the tune is catchy as hell. I've listened to it approximately 21,738 times since May.

Until very recently, Jonathan Coulton did the "Thing a Week" podcast, where every single week for a year he recorded a new song and made it available for free. Your first reaction to such a venture might be "A free song every week? Wow, talk about a potential suckfest!" But no! This is not some guy singing into a tape recorder and shaking a bag of Wild Berry Skittles for percussion. The quality is amazingly high even if you discount the whole "he did a new one every week" element. (C'mon, Weird Al has a 3-4 year gap between CDs!)

Lots of gems in there. "Creepy Doll" may not be as laugh-out-loud funny as "Re Your Brains" but it's a very amusing and ROCKIN' tune. "I'm Your Moon" is a love song for Pluto after it was shamefully demoted from planet status ("Promise me you will always remember who you are..."). A heartfelt cover of "Baby Got Back" is pure brilliance. "Soft Rocked By Me" is a wonderfully sleazy seduction song ("I use the passive voice to show how tender I'll be"), while "This One Is Not About You" is a hysterical song about a stalker insisting that he's over the object of his affection.

"Code Monkey" is absolutely irresistible and one of his most popular songs. "Chiron Beta Prime" is a lovely Christmas carol ("Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime, where we're working in a mine for our robot overlords...did I say overlords?...I meant protectors."). "Podsafe Christmas Song" parodies Alvin & The Chipmunks, while songs like "Furry Old Lobster," and "Mr. Fancy Pants," are engaging silliness.

And there's plenty more.

To get you started, here are some links.

http://www.jonathancoulton.com/2006/03/24/thing-a-week-26-re-your-brains/
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/2006/07/21/thing-a-week-42-creepy-doll/
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/2006/04/14/thing-a-week-29-code-monkey/

After you say, "Wow, Jeff, thank you so much for steering us in his direction! Once again you have immeasurably enriched our lives!" you can visit his main page at http://www.jonathancoulton.com.

Jeff Complains About Live Music Again

Yesterday I went to the No Snow Show, an all-day eight-band concert. Because we didn't know the setup of the venue, I brought along a blanket for us to sit on. It was not a "cool" blanket. It was sort of a dumb-looking light green old lady blanket. I didn't care; I wasn't there to impress anybody with the blanket. As we were walking to the concert, some guys in a car--I swear--shouted "Look at him! He's got a blanket! Hahahahahaha!"

As it turned out, the concert was on a baseball field, and they had seats way in the back. My wife, concerned that some 15-year-old girl might see her and consider her unhip, refused to carry the blanket up to our seats while I sought out my co-worker who was going to meet us there. (As with the previous couple of concerts we've attended, the audience was 98% teenagers. I'd like our next concert experience to be something where we're the young'uns.)

The first band was Kill Hannah, who--as it turned out--were so much better than every other band in the lineup that it almost wasn't fair for them to play on the same stage. They also hung out and posed for pictures with fans afterward, which was an incredible thrill for my co-worker's two daughters. Much was said of the lead singer's unbearable hotness. I questioned this hotness, since the lead singer looks like a girl, but I was assured that this is indeed hot. My bad.

After a couple of decent but unremarkable bands, we got the joy of seeing Buckcherry, whose lead singer informed us all of the difference between a regular chick and a crazy bitch. (It was not particularly insightful.) Then he talked about how great it was the first time he tried cocaine, before singing a nice little cocaine-themed ditty. I realize that as an "edgy" singer his job is not to stand up there and say "Hey, kids, just say no, respect your elders, and get plenty of calcium!" But I'm going to take a stance here and say that if your audience is predominantly teenagers and you talk about the giddy fun of cocaine, then you're a prick.

Next up was Angels and Airwaves, who took the opposite approach and tried to perform life-changing music. But after the first song we all got a lecture about how we weren't getting into it enough, and how this wasn't his first time performing, and how he was seeing too many blank stares, and that he just wanted us to give him a little piece of himself because he was giving us his all. (To be fair, this was not said like a scolding teacher, but as if it were the introduction to an awesome power ballad.) After his lengthy demand for audience enthusiasm, he launched into one boring-ass song. The lyrics, as best as I can recall were:

I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.
I'll be your distraction.

Taking Back Sunday was next. Their musical abilities were an improvement, but the lead singer's gimmick is that he loves to swing around the microphone. Constantly. Through every song. I'm pretty sure that his aspirations of being a professional yo-yo champion were sidetracked by a musical career.

The final band was AFI. They were the second best of the evening, though still a far cry from Killing Hannah. However, though I've been told repeatedly by my wife and co-worker that their song "Miss Murder" is so catchy that you'll never get it out of your head, I can't get it to STICK in my head.

TOMORROW: I'll tell you all about my current favorite musical artist, who has 52 free songs that you can download. Woo-hoo!