Groovy Coolness

So, DISPOSAL was the #4 Advance Order bestseller at Shocklines for the month of February. Since the book didn't go up for pre-order until the 23rd, I find that kinda cool.

If you check out the ordering page now you'll see a new message. Apparently the final price has yet to be determined, so Biting Dog Press went with the highest possible cost ($40), and there was supposed to be a message suggesting that DISPOSAL may end up being less. (Shocklines never charges for pre-orders until the books are at the warehouse and ready to ship.)

Since it's selling well, I can't imagine that there will be a substantial price drop, but my guess is that the final price will be $35. Which is still, y'know, expensive as hell, but think of it as an investment that will pay for college educations and bail money someday!

For something much cheaper, WAITING FOR OCTOBER is also available for pre-order at Shocklines. Check out both of these fine literary products here:

http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/dinobjestbha.html (DISPOSAL)
http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/waforocbodco.html (WAITING FOR OCTOBER)

Cheap PRESSURE on eBay

http://search.ebay.com/search/search.dll?from=R40&satitle=strand+pressure

Cheap as I write this, anyway. When you clink the link, they'll probably be going for, like, three hundred bucks or something.

Battle Wounds For Mayhem The Deaf Cat

Mayhem the Cat was outside last night (we keep her on a 25-foot leash, because we won't want her to wander out on the street and not hear an approaching car or steamroller) when another cat invaded her turf. Harsh feline words were exchanged, and at the sounds of the fight we rushed out and quickly brought Mayhem back in.

Then we took her into the bathroom and wiped blood out of her eye.

So Mayhem paid a midnight visit to the 24-hour vet's office with a clawed face and a scratched eyeball. She was on her best behavior, alternating between lying in her carrier looking sad and wandering around the examination room. They took her away for a bit to put some fluorescent dye in her eye to see the full extent of the damage, and to shave part of her forehead to check for other possible wounds.

Anyway, Mayhem is gonna be fine. We have to put gook directly onto her eyeball three times a day, which she looooooooooves. And we have to squirt pain medicine into her mouth once a day with these handy syringes. But we won't have a deaf AND half-blind cat. She's not quite back to her lively, noisy, bratty self yet, but as of this afternoon she started purring again.

Oh yeah...and she has that fashionable funnel thing that goes over her head to keep her from scratching at her wounds. I'd take a picture to post here, but even a cat deserves some small measure of dignity.

Rejected Stoker Acceptance Speech #3

Thank you very much for this wonderful honor. A lot of you are probably surprised to see me standing on this stage tonight, considering that it was not my name announced as the winner. But though you have chosen somebody else for this year's recipient of the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a Novel, I would like to take this opportunity to plead my case and hopefully change your mind.

You see, I'm not the kind of author who's going to get many chances to win this thing. Gary Braunbeck, Tom Piccirilli, Stephen King...they've already got Stokers. A couple each, actually. Jonathan Maberry is also up for Best First Novel this year, so why not give him that one instead? Let's share the love and stop the Stoker hoarding!

I need this. Oh, God, I need this. I mean, do you think I'm gonna win a frickin' Stoker for THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE? This is IT for me, people! So I was thinking that maybe we could do an impromptu re-vote, just amongst the people in this room, and see what happens.

We wouldn't even have to announce it. For the press releases and interviews and stuff we could say that the other guy won, but just let me take home the trophy, okay? It doesn't even have to be forever. One month. That's all I'm asking. Let me borrow the Stoker for one month, and I promise I'll give it back. That's cool with everybody, right? Three weeks. Three short weeks and I'll mail it to the winner. I'll even pay for Priority shipping with delivery confirmation.

Yes, I know the winner worked hard for this honor, but look at my eyes. Do you see the desperation in them? I don't want to beg. Please don't make me beg.

Really? Oh...that's so great! Thank you! Thank all of you! Seriously? You've got a buffer right there? Well, yeah, let's get that other name off the nameplate right now! You all don't know how much I appreciate this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Blow kisses to the audience.]

Waiting For October

Yep, it's two pre-orders within 24 hours of each other!



But, hey, it's not an expensive limited edition! For the complete story list, c'mon over to http://www.darkartsbooks.com/october.shtml

How Are Jeff Strand & Eddie Murphy Similar?

Eddie Murphy was nominated for his first (and let's face it, only) Academy Award for DREAMGIRLS. Having gained critical respect, he followed it up with the grotesque, offensive comedy NORBIT.

I was nominated for my first (and let's face it, only) Bram Stoker Award for PRESSURE. Having gained critical respect, I followed it up with the grotesque, offensive comedy DISPOSAL.

Spooky? Eerie? Simply a very disturbing coincidence? YOU decide.

Meanwhile, an as-yet unnamed dark individual asked about acquiring the movie rights to DISPOSAL, which prompted the following exchange of e-mails:

Q: Are you going to leave in the "frantic sex with the rapidly melting woman" scene?

A: Oh, yeah -- if all goes well and I actually end up shooting this thing, it's going to be a seriously hardcore messed-up gorefest -- unrated all the way, RE-ANIMATOR style!

Also, you should be warned that DISPOSAL has a fan in the morally dubious guise of Michael A. Arnzen, author of LICKER. I asked Mike to be one of the 10 guest authors to write a mean-spirited, unpleasant, not-very-nice foreword to the book. He agreed, but then had this to say:

"Finished the novella...it's freaking AWESOME! My favorite of yours yet!!!!...which makes it very hard to write any kind of foreword that casts aspersions on you or the story. But I'll reach into the deep cockles of my jaded heart and try to figure out something to say. Can I write a straight blurb, too? I love the story (the sex scene cracked me up!) and really want to help spread the word."

(Quote from private e-mail used with permission, because though I write about sleazy individuals, I myself am a paragon of virtue.)

Mike did indeed reach into the deep cockles of his jaded heart, and wrote a foreword that was the literary equivalent of pinning me to the ground and hocking a loogie into my screaming mouth. But he also gave me a "real" blurb, as follows:

"In Disposal, Jeff Strand proves once again why he's the king of comedic horror, with a story so unrelentingly surprising and unflinchingly nasty that there's something entertaining to be found on every single page. This is a funny -- painfully funny -- read, dripping with pitch black humor and lots of light literary wit. If you liked the movie MATADOR, you'll love this book because Strand takes the jaded, morally-reprehensible criminal subgenre up a notch in a tale about a body that refuses to die, and a man who refuses to be outdone by it." -- Michael Arnzen, author of LICKER and PLAY DEAD

As you already know, DISPOSAL is being published by Biting Dog Press, along with MIDLISTERS by Kealan Patrick Burke and MONKEY LOVE (aka: TITLE MAY CHANGE) by John Paul Allen. As you may not know, all orders through Shocklines come with a free remarquee by Keith Minnion, who did the cover and five interior illustrations for the book. A remarquee is an original sketch, just for you, making your book a one-of-a-kind collector's item!

DISPOSAL is up for pre-order now. Shocklines offers free shipping, and you will not be charged until the book is packed up and on its way to you! There'll be no mad cackling and sneaking off into the night with your hard-earned money.

http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/dinobjestbha.html

Rejected Stoker Acceptance Speech #2

Well, well, well. What an interesting turn of events, hmmm?

They say it's an honor just to be nominated. So tell me, do the rest of you feel HONORED right now? I didn't think so. Why don't you try this experiment: Go buy a big, delicious, juicy cheeseburger, dangle it in front of a homeless man, and tell him that he's a finalist for the cheeseburger. Then say "Sorry, you didn't win!" and gobble it up yourself in front of him. Do you think he'll feel HONORED that his starving carcass ALMOST got a meal? I think not.

Many people say that the Stokers are nothing but a popularity contest. Why, that must mean that I'm the most popular guy in the room! I'm captain of the football team, scoring with hot cheerleaders, while you're all getting wedgies and being stuffed into lockers! Hey, Gary, discuss any fascinating theorems in physics club today? Yo, Tom, how are the clarinet lessons going? Haw haw haw!

To be perfectly honest, those of you who won some of those second-tier weenie categories aren't much better. Best short story? Ooooooooh, I'm SO impressed! What, did you run out of ideas after 2000 words? Best poetry? Oh, yeah, people just LOOOOVE poetry! "Look at me, la la la, I'm a fruity poet!" C'mon, give me a break. Here's a poem for you: The Stoker is mine, and f*** the red wheelbarrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens!

How much time do I have left? I'm out? Yeah, well, why don't you bring up the band then? Oh, that's right, you don't HAVE a band! This whole ceremony is one big--hey, hands off, punk! Don't MAKE me hurt you! Hey! That was completely unnecessary! Dammit, Shrews, get your--OW!!! Okay, jeez! I give up! I SAID I give up! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! I'm sitting down, okay? Here I am, sitting back in my chair. Jerk.

Screw you all. I should've won this in 2005 for TWO TWISTED NUTS anyway.

Coming (Relatively) Soon

Meet Frank, a truly reprehensible human being. An egotistical sexist morally vacant scumbag who gets off on committing armed robbery. The kind of creep whose smirk you want to rub off with razor blade-laced sandpaper.

But when he robs Gretchen at gunpoint, he'll get a lot more than the twelve bucks in her cash register. She makes him an offer he can't refuse: Kill her husband in exchange for sex. The problem is that her husband is hard to kill. Really hard to kill. Like, the bastard just won't frickin' DIE!!!

Lots of bad and occasionally disgusting things happen.

DISPOSAL is the latest demented comedy from Jeff Strand, author of GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY), SOCIALLY AWKWARD MOMENTS WITH AN ASPIRING LUNATIC, and other sicko stuff. He's also the author of the critically acclaimed thriller PRESSURE, although DISPOSAL isn't much like that one.

Unlike your average obscenely overpriced hardcover limited edition novella, DISPOSAL doesn't try to rip you off by giving you ONE measly little foreword. Hell no. We know that you expect more from an obscenely overpriced hardcover limited edition novella, and so DISPOSAL contains TEN extremely unpleasant and mean-spirited forewords by Michael A. Arnzen, MaryJanice Davidson, Christopher Golden, Rick Hautala, Brian Keene, Gregory Lamberson, Mark McLaughlin, James A. Moore, James Newman and more*!!!

So get ready to spend some quality time with an absolute sleazebucket. DISPOSAL. It could very well be the finest tale you'll read all year. If not, you'll get over it.

DISPOSAL will be the second in a series of three upcoming novellas to be published by Biting Dog Press, preceded by MIDLISTERS by Kealan Patrick Burke and followed by MONKEY LOVE by John Paul Allen. Though the stories are unrelated, all three books have similar cover designs and collectors can get matching numbers.

Contains five interior illustrations by the awesome Keith Minnion.

Ordering information coming soon.

*J.A. Konrath

Rejected Stoker Acceptance Speech #1

[Wait for presenter to say "And the winner is...PRESSURE by Jeff Strand!" Gasp. Hug wife. Wipe tear from eye. Give high-five to 4-7 people during victory jog up to stage.]

Oh, wow, just...wow. I can't believe this. You know what, I barely even know what to say right now. Wow. This is so cool. I guess I'd like to start by saying "Ha! You SUCK, Stephen King!"

[Long, uncomfortable silence.]

I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry, that was very disrespectful. Stephen King has made countless contributions to our genre, and he's always been generous in his support for new authors, and there was no excuse for my comment. I apologize. I'm sorry.

Damn, I really screwed this up, didn't I? This was supposed to be an exciting moment, and I had to go and ruin everything. This isn't the way I envisioned this at all. Now I'm just babbling, aren't I? I'm sorry...I'm sorry...

OW! This [expletive deleted] Stoker has sharp edges! Who the [expletive deleted] designed this thing?!? Now I'm bleeding all over the place! Great. Juuuuuuust [expletive deleted] great.

[Push Mistress of Ceremonies Sephera Giron out of the way as she tries to assist with stopping the flow of blood.]

Leave me alone! I can take care of it! Oh, jeez, now I'm feeling light-headed. I'm gonna have to lie down for a minute. Oh, man, that thing got me good. Everybody just...just give me a second...just...

[Lose consciousness.]

[Regain consciousness.]

I'd like to start by thanking Paul Miller, who published the book. You go, boy! I'd also like to thank Jim Moore. You da man, Jim! Waaaaazup??? Heh heh, that's from those beer commercials. Finally, I'd like to thank everybody else who will be offended if I don't thank them...except YOU over there in the corner! You didn't do squat. I don't even know you. Who the hell are you?

Oh, sorry, Mr. Bradbury. That was rude of me. You deserve much more respect than that. I'm always doing this. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[Beat self repeatedly.]

[Lose consciousness.]

[Regain consciousness. Banquet room is deserted. Realize that Stoker trophy has been stolen. Weep softly in the darkness.]

Bram Stoker Award Finalists!

Mark Worthen and Hank Schwaeble, Stoker Awards
Committee Co-Chairs, have announced the final ballot
for the 2006 Bram Stoker Awards:

Superior Achievement in a NOVEL

Headstone City by Tom Piccirilli (Bantam)
Liseys Story by Stephen King (Scribner)
Ghost Road Blues by Jonathan Maberry (Pinnacle)
Pressure by Jeff Strand (Earthling)
Prodigal Blues by Gary A. Braunbeck (Cemetery Dance)

Superior Achievement in a FIRST NOVEL

Ghost Road Blues by Jonathan Maberry (Pinnacle)
The Keeper by Sarah Langan (William Morrow)
Bloodstone by Nate Kenyon (Five Star)
The Harrowing by Alexandra Sokoloff (St. Martins)

Superior Achievement in LONG FICTION

Dark Harvest by Norman Partridge (Cemetery Dance)
Hallucigenia by Laird Barron (The Magazine of Fantasy
and Science Fiction)
Mamas Boy by Fran Friel (Insidious Reflections)
Bloodstained Oz by Christopher Golden and James A.
Moore (Earthling Publications)
Clubland Heroes by Kim Newman (Retro Pub Tales)

Superior Achievement in SHORT FICTION

Tested by Lisa Morton (Cemetery Dance)
Balance by Gene ONeill (Cemetery Dance)
Feeding the Dead Inside by Yvonne Navarro(Mondo
Zombie)
FYI by Mort Castle (Masques V)
“31/10” by Stephen Volk Dark Corners)

Superior Achievement in an ANTHOLOGY

Aegri Somnia: The Apex Featured Writer Anthology
edited by Jason Sizemore (Apex)
Mondo Zombie edited by John Skipp (Cemetery Dance)
Retro Pulp Tales edited by Joe Lansdale (Subterranean)
Alone on the Darkside edited by John Pelan (Roc)

Superior Achievement in a COLLECTION

Destinations Unknown by Gary Braunbeck (Cemetery
Dance)
American Morons by Glen Hirshberg (Earthling
Publications)
The Commandments by Angeline Hawkes (Nocturne Press)
The Empire of Ice Cream by Jeffrey Ford (Golden
Gryphon)
Basic Black: Tales of Appropriate Fear by Terry
Dowling (Cemetery Dance)
Cinema Macabre edited by Frank Morris (PS Publishing)

Superior Achievement in NONFICTION

Final Exits: The Illustrated Encyclopedia of How We
Die by Michael Largo (Harper)
Gospel of the Living Dead: George Romero's vision of
Hell on Earth by Kim Paffenroth (Baylor Press)
Stephen King: Uncollected, Unpublished byRocky Wood
(Cemetery Dance)

Superior Achievement in POETRY

Shades Fantastic by Bruce Boston (Gromagon Press)
Valentine: Short Love Poems by Corrine de Winter
(Black Arrow Press)
The Troublesome Amputee by John Edward Lawson (Raw Dog
Screaming Press)
Songs of a Sorceress by Bobbi Sinha-Morey (Write
Words, Inc.)

TeeVee Talk, Part One

So, last season a bunch of really whiny people complained about SURVIVOR dividing its tribes up by race. I was one of those really whiny people. It just seemed like a reaaaalllly bad idea, one that could create a genuinely unpleasant game or--worse--a boring one with unbreakable alliances.

I was wrong. Cook Islands was one of the best SURVIVOR seasons ever, from beginning to end. It may not have topped Amazon, but it was way up there. That said, you KNOW the producers were chugging Maalox by the quart when it looked like we could have an all-white final four...

Two episodes into Fiji, I'm not feeling the love quite as much. The twist this season--one tribe lives in a luxurious camp, the other gets nothing but a dull machete and a pot--was momentarily intriguing when they initially announced it, but I'm already kinda sick of it. Really, what fun is it to have one team lying around in hammocks, laughing about how they barely feel like they're even playing SURVIVOR, while the other team is half-dead?

This twist in the game does give us automatic underdogs to root for, but the only satisfying outcome will be if they somehow win enough challenges to have the numbers advantage after the merge. Otherwise, the season answers the question: "What happens if we give one team an unfair advantage? They win. Duh."

Of course, my griping assumes that they'll let this Good Camp vs. Bad Camp idea play out until the merge, which is pretty darn unlikely. The last thing the producers want is for the Luxury Camp team to obliterate the Crap Camp team. So whether it's a team swap or a camp swap or whatever, I don't think they'll let the game proceed much longer without some kind of shake-up. But we'll see.

I like the new rule with the hidden immunity idol(s), where you have to play it before the votes are read (but after they're cast). Most likely Mark Burnett said "Dammit, somebody is gonna play one of those %$&@# immunity idols if we have to dump a pile of them outside their shelter!" The new rule does run the risk of giving us an anti-climactic moment where somebody who was in no danger whatsoever plays the idol just because they'd feel like an idiot if they DIDN'T use it and got hit with a blindside vote. But, again, we'll see.

Meanwhile, I tried to cut myself down to one hour of TV a week by giving up on LOST, but my wife vetoed that idea. More later...

Corpsie Update

The feel-good zombie novel of the year, THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE, is scheduled to ship from Delirium Books on February 23rd, just in time to be late for Valentine's Day. (Speaking of which, you anti-Valentine's Day grinches need to save your hatred for a much more worthy target, like Sweetest Day.)

And, hey, it looks like there's one last place that you can get MR. CORPSE, before it becomes the exclusive territory of eBay profiteers:

http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/simrcobyjest.html

Meanwhile, in about two weeks I'll be able to announce my next book (a novella). Beware this space.

Also meanwhile, the Horror Writers Association hasn't revealed the Bram Stoker Award finalists yet. Voting closed on Sunday, so it should be any second now. I'm cautiously cynical about the chances of PRESSURE being a finalist for Best Novel, but ya never know. In fact, I'll check again. Nope, nothing yet. Let me refresh. Nope. Actually, I should probably clear my cache, and THEN refresh. Nope. I don't really care either way, but--hold on a second, they might be up now--no, I was wrong--DAMMIT, WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME SO?!?!?

Something Wrong Here...

So when I'm going through MySpace friend requests...

1. If it's a picture of an attractive female, I'm immediately suspicious and I usually end up denying their request.

2. If it's a picture of a dorky guy covered in fake blood, I approve him, no questions asked.

What a sad social situation this site has created.

Best Picture Marathon

If, like me, you missed every single Best Picture nominee this year, AMC Theatres is showing all five of 'em back to back the day before the Oscars (Saturday, February 24th) for thirty bucks...including unlimited free popcorn and soda all day (a $795.50 value!).

Got my tickets. Ooooooooooooooh yeah.

http://www.amctheatres.com/promos/showcase/

How To Know If You SUCK!!!

At EPICon next month, I'll be participating on a panel discussion about "Etiquette For Authors." I thought I would share a helpful little tidbit right here.

If you participate in a group signing--oh, let's say that it was for the Florida Horror Writers this past Saturday--and one person does pretty much all the work in setting up the event--oh, let's call him Aaron Bennett--and then you go on your blog and post "My Barnes & Noble signing went great!" without acknowledging that it was an event for--just for argument's sake--the Florida Horror Writers, then you SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Also, promotion = good. Bragging = bad. Incessantly, relentessly bragging without really having all that much to brag about = wonderful entertainment for the sarcastic onlookers, but you really should tone it down a bit, y'know?

Now I've used up all of my ideas for what to say on the panel. Bummer.

Fine Art

Today I received another piece of interior artwork for my upcoming book that I'm still not allowed to announce.

I assure you, you've never seen such a well-drawn, atmospheric illustration of a wino taking a leak.

Parodies by Idiots

I was vaguely aware that a new parody movie called EPIC MOVIE existed, but I didn't pay that much attention. As I was walking past a movie theatre yesterday, I saw the poster, and noticed that amongst its various targets are....BORAT? NACHO LIBRE? Even Captain Jack Sparrow is really pushing it.

NOTE TO ASPIRING COMEDY WRITERS: Doing parodies of characters that are themselves comedic and self-aware is extremely stupid.

I haven't heard the soundtrack, but I assume it has parodies of "Weird Al" Yankovic songs.