Watch For It...

...soon.

In the meantime, don't miss these words of wisdom from the mighty James A. Moore:

http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/dibyjestrbyj.html

10 Simple Ways to Further My Career

So I wrote this book called Disposal, which ships in about six weeks. If you're reading this, no doubt you pre-ordered your own copy in a flurry of "Oh, jeez, please don't let it be sold out...please, please, please don't let it be sold out...all I ask is this one small--oh, thank God!!! Woo-hoo! V for Victory! Yeeeeeee-ha!!!"

That's cool. You have my utmost gratitude. Unfortunately, it's been brought to my attention that many of you think that your role in the process ends with purchasing and subsequently reading the book. Well, I hate to say it, but that kind of lackluster effort puts a frowny face on my face. I thought we were in this together? I'm not saying that you should be as committed to my success as I am, but is a 65/35 split too much to ask?

The process should be: 1) I give you the precious gift of writing a new book. 2) You buy and read my gift to you. 3) You try to help me make it wildly successful. 4) I get paid more for giving you future gifts of writing new books. We're good with 1) and 2), but 3) and 4) are a bit shaky.

Perhaps it's my fault. I haven't provided enough guidance. Therefore, I've helpfully compiled a list of 10 ways that you can assist me in selling lots of copies of Disposal. Please select three (3) tasks from the list and complete them prior to Friday, August 31st, 11:59 PM ET.

1. Buy Extra Copies. This is the easiest way you can help. Order several extra copies (several = 3 to 7) and leave them in strategic points around your city, such as a bus stop or a Starbucks. This allows a stranger to discover the book, think "Here now, what's all this then?", read a few pages, and--BOOM!!!--I've just acquired a new fan who will order Pressure and Single White Psychopath Seeks Same and The Haunted Forest Tour and Elrod McBugle on the Loose and How to Rescue a Dead Princess and Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) and Mandibles and The Sinister Mr. Corpse and Out of Whack and Casket For Sale (Only Used Once). All for the rather effortless act of changing the number in your online shopping cart from "1" to "7." See how easy this is?

2. Spam. Spam like your frickin' life depended on it. Look, when I spam, it's spam, but when YOU spam, you're merely sharing news about your very favorite author. Possible subject lines include: "OMG!!! Disposal RULEZ!!!" and "Disposal HAS MAD SKILLS!!! LOL!!!"

3. Defend Me From Critics. Sometimes there'll be a message board thread, and somebody will say "Gosh, I can't wait until my copy of Disposal arrives," and some other cretin will say "Forget that! I don't order those overpriced stand-alone hardcover novellas!" Well, pardon my use of the f-word disguised with asterisks, but f*** them! Don't allow those Whiny Walters or Negative Nellies to poison the populace against my overpriced stand-alone hardcover novella! When somebody posts something like that, reply back (in all caps) that you're going to kick them right in the teeth. If the message board allows you to insert graphics, include a picture of some teeth and Photoshop a picture of your foot kicking them.

4. Write Your Own Disposal Fan Fiction. If it's slash fiction, include relevant illustrations.

5. Act All Impressed And Stuff By Good Reviews. SF Review just gave Disposal a hella good review that said stuff like:

"A dark comedy so smartly funny that laughing through bodily mutilation is your only option."and..."The author knows how to work the reader, never jolting you out of your suspension of disbelief, no matter how outrageous and over the top the plot gets."

Read the full review at http://www.sfreader.com/read_review.asp?book=1086

After you've read the review, print out 75-80 copies and post them around your hometown. Stand next to the flyer in the highest-traffic area, put on your most winning smile, and tell passing strangers that we roomed together in college.

6. Be a Canadian. Canadians are frequently saying "Shipping costs from the U.S. are crazy, eh? It's cutting into my Tim Horton's budget!" Well, as a special thank-you to our Canuck friends for bringing us the music of the Arrogant Worms ("I am cow, hear me moo, I weigh twice as much as you, and I look good on the barbecue..."), shipping to Canada is absolutely FREE if you order directly from Biting Dog Press! Just e-mail biting-dog-press@excite.com and tell 'em you're Canadian and want Disposal, dammit!

7. Include the phrase "That's all well and good, but what does it have to do with Jeff Strand's novella Disposal?" in all of your daily conversations. I think this one is self-explanatory.

8. Praise Booksellers Who Carry Disposal. Larry Roberts at Bloodletting Books doesn't HAVE to carry Disposal. Nobody put a gun to his head and said "Put this book up for pre-order or your brains will create abstract art upon your flowery wallpaper," and they didn't punch him in the gut when he made a witty but anger-inducing comment about his splattery brains being better reading material than Disposal, and it certainly wasn't necessary to break a couple of his fingers to get him to cooperate. So why not praise the man? Tell him how much you appreciate the fact that he carries fine novellas like Disposal. Send him a package of expensive pears, or maybe bring over some hot cocoa after you visit his website, just to say "Thanks, Larry."

http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/dinobyjestli.html

9. Add Disposal To Your Signature Line. What does your current signature line have? A funny quote? A life-affirming statement? Promo for YOUR book? Sorry, but that me-me-me attitude isn't going to sell more copies of Disposal, now is it? Change your signature line to say something like "Buy Jeff Strand's superb novella Disposal or you suck!" Post often. Send a flurry of one-line e-mails with vapid content that won't distract the recipient from your signature line. Bonus points if you create a flashy, obnoxious, eye-melting banner that links to my website.

10. Every Time You See a Computer, Visit The Disposal Page.

http://www.bitingdogpress.com/Bitingdogpub/disposal.htm

At work? At your public library? At your local Circuit City? Anyplace there are computers around, just pop that URL above into the web browser and walk away. If they're seated in front of the computer and try to slap your hand away, pretend to enjoy the physical contact a little too much.

Okay, everybody got it? Let's get the Disposal army into gear and RULE THE WORLD!!! March on, punks!

Your Pal,
Jeff Strand
http://www.jeffstrand.com/

A Monday Night Bedtime Story

Most of you, at one time or another, have thought to yourselves "Y'know, radio is okay and all, but what it really needs is Jeff Strand reading a story. Or maybe they just need to play 'Video Killed the Radio Star' more often. One of those."

Well, to promote my involvement in Deep Carnivale (http://deepcarnivale.com) I'll be on the radio LIVE, reading the short story "Everything Has a Purpose" from my upcoming collection GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES.

WHEN?

Monday, August 27, at from 10:30 to 11:00 PM ET.

WHAT STATION?

WMNF. 88.5 FM in the Tampa Bay area.

WHO ELSE WILL BE READING?

Authors Lynne Hansen and Sally Bosco.

WHY SHOULD I LISTEN?

Because it's live. I could screw up and launch into a flurry of expletives that gets the station shut down by the FCC!

WHAT IF I DON'T LIVE IN THE TAMPA BAY AREA, HUH? WHAT THEN? DOESN'T DO A WHOLE LOT OF GOOD FOR YOU TO SAY IT'S ON 88.5 FM IF I'M NOT IN THEIR BROADCASTING RANGE, NOW DOES IT?

By golly, you can listen to it live on the Internet! Just head over to http://www.wmnf.org/home

Fan Films: Jason vs. My DVD Player

So my wife was at a comic book convention with her brother, and called me to say that they had a great selection of DVDs, and did I want her to look for anything in particular? I'd just read an article in Rue Morgue about HALLOWEEN fan films, so I asked her to pick up some horror fan films if they had any.

She brought home JASON VS. LEATHERFACE, MICHEAL VS. JASON (that's how they spell it on the DVD cover), and THE SHAPE TRILOGY.

JASON VS. LEATHERFACE opens right where FREDDY VS. JASON left off. Jason walks into a cabin, and then Pamela Voorhees begins to speak to him, using shots of Mrs. Voorhees from the original FRIDAY THE 13TH with new dialogue dubbed over. She tells him that he needs to go to Texas to help Leatherface...even if he has to kill him! I would hope that she'd at least let Jason take a freakin' nap after all he went through fighting Freddy, but no, he's off to Texas, where...the DVD stopped working! Chainsaw vs. machete mayhem...DENIED!!!

MICHAEL VS. JASON (the movie itself spells it right) opens with some footage from HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION, and then we find out that pretty much all of the survivors from all of the FRIDAY THE 13TH and HALLOWEEN movies died. We see a bunch of newspaper clippings of them, and then a big spray of blood fills the screen. They ain't comin' back.

We cut to a guy in a truck who is probably delivering crucial exposition, though I was too distracted by the fact that he's obviously reading from a script on his lap. He encounters the dreaded Michael Myers, shoots him in the chest a few times (sparks fly with each bullet hit) but then gets stabbed a few times for his trouble. Then we cut to a dream sequence involving the "burlap sack over his head" Jason from FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART II, followed by the classic hockey-mask wearing Jason who stabs the absolute living crap out of a girl in a bad wig until...the DVD stopped working! Dammit!!!

So I switched to the first volume of THE SHAPE TRILOGY. This one starts with the camera slowly zooming in on a jack-o-lantern, as per HALLOWEEN I and II. Bonus points there. When I went to see HALLOWEEN 4 (they switched to Arabic instead of Roman numerals with the fourth installment because they thought audiences were too dumb to figure out what IV meant, even though FRIDAY THE 13TH fans could count to VIII) I was really annoyed that the movie didn't open with the HALLOWEEN theme and a slow zoom on a jack-o-lantern.

The jack-o-lantern splits open, revealing a Michael Myers mask. Cool. Then...the DVD stopped working! Denied THRICE!!!

I want my copyright infringement!

Some Short Story Stuff

1. Yesterday I finished up a brand new tale called "The Bell...FROM HELL!!!" Typically I would say something like "And it's a sick one, kiddies!" but actually this story doesn't really feel like the product of a diseased mind. The one guy who's read it so far said that it was "Truly funny and often hilarious in places." Cool.

2. Monday the 27th, at 10:30 PM I'll be on WMNF (88.5 FM in Tampa) radio, reading my story "Everything Has a Purpose" from GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES. (I had to pick one that doesn't violate FCC regulations.) If you're not in the Tampa listening area, you can listen to an online feed. I will, of course, remind you closer to the event.

3. The anthology OH, ENEMY MINE is now available for pre-order. It contains my story "The Eight Legs of Vengeance," which is a cautionary tale about the repercussions of baking tarantulas into a cake. http://www.aislingpress.com

4. And remember, my wicked reign as Author of the Month at Horror World is almost up! This may be your last chance for a good long while to read "Comeuppance." And it's a sick one, kiddies! http://www.horrorworld.org/fiction.htm

Pure Insanity!!!

For Immediate Release

Jeff Strand Named MC for Stoker Banquet 2008

The Horror Writers Association announced today that award-winning author Jeff Strand will be the emcee for the 2008 Bram Stoker Awards Banquet to be held in conjunction with World Horror Convention 2008 in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Deborah LeBlanc, HWA president, said, “Jeff is a perfect choice for emcee. He’s talented and funny and sure to make the awards banquet an evening everyone will remember for a long time.”

Strand is the author of Pressure, The Sinister Mr. Corpse, Casket for Sale (Only Used Once) and many other novels and short stories. His novel Pressure was a Stoker nominee in 2007.

WHC 2008 will be held from March 27-30 at the Radisson Hotel Salt Lake City Downtown. Membership is $135 if paid before Oct. 31, 2007. The cost for the March 29 Stoker banquet is $52; tickets will be on sale soon at the convention Web site.

For more information on the convention, visit www.whc2008.org.

For more information on the HWA, visit www.horror.org.

Yet More Random Bits-O-Blogginess

1. I'm not allowed to share it yet, but the cover for GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES is wonderful. It involves surgery by individuals who should not be performing surgery.

2. I'm gonna be on live local radio Monday the 27th. I'll share the station and time once everything is 100% finalized, but the station does have an internet feed for those of you not in Tampa. Now I have to come up with something to read that won't violate FCC rules...

3. One week before that, Monday the 20th, at 9:00 PM ET, I'll be doing a live chat, along with my HAUNTED FOREST TOUR co-author Jim Moore. It'll be in the Red Light District chat room, although I won't be accepting any money or performing any services. (I can't speak for Jim.) http://www.catwomanslair.com/redlightdistrict/index.php

4. SUPERBAD is the third funniest movie of the summer, after KNOCKED UP and THE SIMPSONS MOVIE. Admittedly, I did not see RUSH HOUR 3, UNDERDOG, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY, DADDY DAY CAMP, HOT ROD, BRATZ, EVAN ALMIGHTY, WHO'S YOUR CADDY?, or LICENSE TO WED. On purpose.

5. Today's mail included MIDLISTERS by Kealan Patrick Burke. This is #1 in the Biting Dog Press Novella series, and of course #2 is my own DISPOSAL, so I was very pleased to see that it's one niiiiiiice lookin' book!

Take The Coolness Where You Can Find It

If you go to the Earthling Publications website (http://www.earthlingpub.com), you'll see an announcement for two new Clive Barker books.

Directly underneath them, you'll see the announcement for my new book, THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR.

Me and Clive Barker on the same publisher's promo page. C'mon, that's kinda cool.

Gleefully Macabre Tales

So I've delivered the final-until-the-editors-get-a-hold-of-it manuscript of my short story collection, GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, to Delirium Books.

I tend to write my sickest (and certainly goriest!) stuff when I'm doing short stories, so reading all of them back-to-back was definite cause for a moment of "Whoa! What the hell is wrong with me?" introspection. This is one messed-up book, kiddies.

I'll save the table of contents for later, just in case they change during the editing phase, but it's a combination of my most popular stuff (most notably the chapbooks), some obscure stories that nobody ever read, a couple of unpublished works, and perhaps a piece or two that you wouldn't expect me to include, such as the World Horror Convention 2006/2007 Gross-Out Contest entries. Gracious!

It's mostly "funny horror" stories, with a couple of serious pieces thrown in to mess with you, and some shameless silliness from my "Plot? Screw the plot! Bring on the jokes!" days. There are also Story Notes where I briefly babble about each of the individual tales.

More news over the coming weeks...

Drooooooooooool....

I've now seen Glenn Chadbourne's interior illustrations for THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR, and my reaction can be summed up in four simple words.

Oh. My. Freaking. God.

One in particular is absolutely jaw-dropping. In fact, I'm going to lie to everybody and say that I wrote that part of the book, even though it was really Jim. Heh heh heh...

A Chocolate Survey

Today at work we got these little computer-shaped chocolate pieces that were intended to get us all revved up for an upcoming system enhancement.

I thought it was outstanding chocolate. Top-notch. I wished I'd grabbed an armful and ran.

Two of my female co-workers, however, claimed that the chocolate was in fact quite poor, not even Hershey's level, let alone Cadbury or Godiva.

The question is this: Am I required to concede to women in a matter like this? Would arguing the point be like debating the effect of hot flashes?

Daddy Day Camp

How pathetic is it that Daddy Day Camp is promoted as "From The Studio That Brought You Daddy Day Care"?

Not the directors, not the writer, not even the freakin' executive producers--the studio. Tri-Star/Columbia.

If nobody even remotely involved in the first film is back, why even bother with such a transparently lame effort to tie them together? I guess they fear that the moviegoing public will be skeptical of their ability to match the cinematic heights of Daddy Day Care without the participation of the original creative team.

By Golly, It's a WAITING FOR OCTOBER Review!

Yep, Fright.Com has reviewed WAITING FOR OCTOBER, the "three stories by four authors" collection I'm in with Adam Pepper, Sarah Pinborough, and Jeffrey Thomas. Here's part of it:

"I doubt I’ll read a stronger horror-themed collection this year than WAITING FOR OCTOBER, the genre-busting follow-up to Dark Arts Books’ 2006 anthology CANDY ON THE DUMPSTER.

The opening story, “Gramma’s Corpse” by Jeff Strand, is what you might call a grabber. It features a kid who as punishment for getting bad grades is forced--on the very first page--to sleep in the same bed with his grandmother’s rotting corpse! Color me grabbed. Strand’s other tales are “Bad Candy House”, which taps into every parent’s worst fears about contaminated Halloween candy, and “Here’s What Happened...”, a darkly comedic monologue that grows increasingly outrageous."

Check out the rest of the review right here:

http://www.fright.com/papercuts/waiting.html

Subsidy Publishing and the Art of Self-Delusion

I have never paid to be published, will never pay to be published, and do not recommend that anybody else pay to be published.

But at the same time, authors should do whatever works for them and their chosen career path. If you're comfortable working with Publisher X, and it costs ninety bucks to get your book in print, and that's what you wanna do, fine. If trusted sources say "It's the bestest book EVAH!!!" I'll still buy a copy. When I was President of EPIC, I spearheaded the change of rules that allowed self-and-subsidy published authors to join the organization.

However, I do have to make one comment. (WARNING: There is a very heavy element of "Well, DUH!" in this comment, so if you object to reading blatantly obvious statements, please scroll down and instead read one of my blog entries where I get all pushy about trying to make you buy my new book.)

If you pay a fee for your book to be published, that is subsidy publishing...even if you pay the printer, not the publisher!

Yes, it doesn't matter WHOSE e-mail address you type into PayPal to get your book in print, that is a subsidy publishing arrangement, and no degree of "La la la la la don't invade my happy safe space la la la la la!!!!" will change that.

Alternative methods of publishing are cool. Self-delusion is not.

THE WALKING DEAD, Volume 2

So after being hugely impressed by THE WALKING DEAD, Volume 1 (a zombie comic, for those of you who missed my previous post) I picked up Volumes 2 through 6.

I've only read Volume 2 thus far and...........what happened? Okay, obviously they got a new artist who's nowhere near as talented as the first guy (I could barely tell the hero apart from another bearded character) but also the quality of the writing took a major downturn. I'm not gonna say "Whoa, did Volume 2 ever SUCK!!!" but it wasn't anywhere NEAR as good as the first one.

Did I get screwed buying the last five volumes? Does the series improve after a temporary glitch? Am I just insane, and is Volume 2 even better than Volume 1, and the new artist is talented beyond compare, and only a common dullard would have trouble telling apart the hero from the other guy with the beard? What's the deal?

Sick Little Horror Story Reminder

Horror World doesn't archive their "Author of the Month" stories, and "Comeuppance" is not going to be included in GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, so click NOW NOW NOW before it goes bye-bye!

http://www.horrorworld.org/fiction.htm

Horror World Author of Da Month!

Yep, throughout the glorious month of August I'm "Author of the Month" at Horror World! Which means that until September, when they discard me like a moldy wad of strawberry Hubba Bubba, you can read my brand new story, "Comeuppance," for freeeeeeeee!!! (It originally had a cooler title, but it gave too much away, so you're stuck with "Comeuppance.")

G'wan, click here: http://www.horrorworld.org/fiction.htm