Upcoming Blogness

I've got stuff to write about (the awesomeness of Weird Al in concert, the spectacular lameness of ON THE LOT, and the joy of being stuck 150 feet in the air on a malfunctioning theme park ride), but I also have a short story due tomorrow that I've only written a wee little bit of, and also line edits for my new novel. So the hardcore bloggin' will have to wait.

But on Friday the mighty Mark Justice will be interviewing me for the next episode of Pod of Horror, and I'll be blabbing about THREE new upcoming books that have been only hinted at in guarded whispers here on this blog. That is, unless I get nervous and just start babbling about Survivor: Fiji. The show should be available for your downloading ecstasy a couple/few days after we record the interview.

Also, don't make any plans for June 18th. Click the link below to find out why.

http://www.deliriumbooks.com/insider/

An Open Letter To Our Nation's Film Critics

Develop a frickin' attention span, people!

Ahhh...Variety!

As of tonight, my local twenty-four screen theatre is showing seven movies.

Behind the Scenes: Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)

NOTE: The spoilers in this post don't go past Chapter Three.

Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) was not my first novel written (How to Rescue a Dead Princess, Out of Whack, and Elrod McBugle on the Loose all came first), nor was it my first novel accepted for publication (that was How to Rescue a Dead Princess). But it was my first book published, so it sorta FEELS like my first book.

At the time I wrote it, I was focusing on comedies but bouncing from genre to genre with each book, trying unsuccessfully to write something I could actually, y'know, sell. Graverobbers was my attempt at a mystery/comedy. And that's all it was supposed to be: the first installment in a funny mystery series. Not a horror novel. In each book, Andrew Mayhem would have wacky mystery-solving adventures, while trying desperately to find a babysitter for his two not-quite-bratty-but-not-exactly-well-behaved kids.

I knew the premise: Andrew and his buddy Roger would be would be approached by a woman in a coffee shop, offering them $20,000 to dig up her husband's grave and retrieve the safety deposit box key he had with him when he was buried. They'd reluctantly agree. They'd find the shallow grave in the forest, dig up the coffin, then nearly get killed when somebody inside started shooting through the lid. By golly, her husband had been buried alive! Andrew, Roger, and the rescued hubby would then have to solve the question of WHY she'd done such a nefarious thing...which I'd work out later.

But when I did get to that point, I came up with a new idea. What if instead of being weak, dehydrated, and freaked out, her husband had gone completely mad from the experience? Screaming incoherently, bashing himself in the forehead with the gun, and insane past the point of no return.

Suddenly the guy rips his own eyes out...and suddenly it's a completely different book. That to me is the defining moment of the series: It's a funny novel with likable, goofy characters, and then you get a "WHOA! WTF?!?" moment.

The degree of pre-planning I do varies with each book. After I got to the point where our heroes had dug up the grave, I then had to figure out what was actually going on. So I wrote about a page describing "whodunnit and why" and figured out how it was all gonna end. With the last chapter planned out, I could pretty much make the rest of the book up as I went along.

When I was halfway through, I gave it to a test reader...who !!!HATED!!! it. I don't mean "Gosh, Jeff, this work doesn't really live up to your potential," I mean "This is absolutely, positively horrible! It's not even competently written! What were you thinking?"

I went back through the first half to figure out what needed to be fixed. And I decided that, bad feedback or not, I still liked it. So I finished up the book and sent it off to my agent at the time...who !!!HATED!!! it.

He conceded that it had a couple of funny parts. Beyond that, he said that nothing in the book worked. Not the story, not the characters, not the suspense, nothing. Don't even try to rewrite it. Throw this one away and move on with your life.

So I trunked that sucker.

And I didn't pull it out again for a couple of years, until How to Rescue a Dead Princess was accepted by Hard Shell Word Factory in 1999. A brand-new publisher of e-books, Wordbeams, was seeking submissions. I figured I'd give Graverobbers another look. I did, expecting to have to do a complete overhaul to get the manuscript in readable condition, but instead I thought "Y'know, I LIKE this book!" There was one scene about halfway through that was too slapsticky and got cut altogether, and I tightened a few bits, but overall it was the same book that was so passionately despised.

Wordbeams accepted it and published it in May 2000. It didn't make a blip on the radar of mainstream publishing, but it was one of the top-selling e-books of the year. Reviews were (and have continued to be) almost unanimously positive, and literally every novel I have announced since then generates e-mail asking if it's going to be an Andrew Mayhem book. (Yes, even The Sinister Mr. Corpse.)

Wordbeams closed at the end of 2001. I immediately moved Graverobbers and Single White Psychopath Seeks Same to NovelBooks Inc., an e-book and trade paperback publisher who was getting good buzz. This buzz turned out to be based on insanity and stupidity, and after receiving my box of quality-deficient paperbacks, I asked to be let out of my contract. (It wasn't a pay-to-publish deal and they didn't have to release me, so I'm grateful to them for that, even if I bought the last few copies just to get 'em off the market and they sent them to me unprotected in a shoebox.)

I moved the e-book and paperback to Hard Shell Word Factory. In 2003, Mundania Press did the very first hardcover edition, and in 2005 they published it in paperback. (So if you're keeping score: 4 e-book editions, excluding the fact that Wordbeams did a "re-release" with a redesigned cover, 3 paperback editions, and 1 hardcover edition. Collect 'em all!)

At one point Local Talent Productions was going to do a movie version. However, during the two-year option the project didn't get much further than the screenplay stage (I wrote a draft, and the producer/director wrote a draft) and eventually died. There was interest in acquiring the movie rights to all three books from another production company, but it was a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad contract and I elected not to sign.

I'm still proud of Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary). I don't think it works very well as a mystery, and in fact I eliminated that aspect from the next two books. And nobody will ever describe the plot as anything resembling "airtight." But though I'd probably do a fairly substantial rewrite if I ever sold it to a mass market publisher, I love some of the ghoulish setpieces (the search for the quarters, the puppets, the necklaces, The Dismemberment Game, etc.) and think that as a blend of horror and humor, the book is a success.

I've started a SPOILER thread on my message board about the book, where you can blab anything you want and learn a couple more interesting (?) factoids.

http://horrorworld.org/v-web/bulletin/bb/viewforum.php?f=9

Coming Soon...

...to this very blog: A behind-the-scenes feature where I babble about each of my books. What worked, what didn't, interesting (?) tidbits, where I got the ideas, and other stuff. I'll be writing about them in semi-random order, and probably also covering some never-published and obscure (GHOULISH DELIGHTS VOL. 1, anyone?) ones.

These will be generally spoiler-free, though I'll follow each exciting installment up with some spoiler-laden comments on my Horror World message board, which you should visit, bookmark, and post on frequently.

http://horrorworld.org/v-web/bulletin/bb/viewforum.php?f=9

Cartoons From My Youth...DESTROYED!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is Underdog:



This is NOT Underdog:



That is all.

No Female Fans For Me!

This review of SINGLE WHITE PSYCHOPATH SEEKS SAME may have been around for a while, but I just stumbled upon it.

"This is for men who like slash horror served up with [stupid] humor. I haven’t met a woman yet who gets off to this sort of story [though I’m sure there are some out there], but it just goes to show how some stories are definitely gender biased."

http://www.yetanotherbookreview.com/single_white_psychopath_seeks.htm

Well, bummer. And all this time I've only been doing the book-writing thing to pick up chicks!

Survivor: Fiji

SURVIVOR: FIJI ended a few days ago, but I was finishing up the Andrew Mayhem/Harry McGlade novelette (now complete; more details later) and I didn't want my co-author J.A. Konrath to catch me posting frivolous SURVIVOR-themed blogs when I was supposed to be working.

Fiji started out as the Worst Season Ever. The producers took a big risk and set up the game so that one tribe had plenty of food, shelter, a sofa, dishes, an outhouse, etc. while the other tribe had virtually nothing. Now, this twist created automatic underdogs and COULD have resulted in some cheer-worthy victories...but the risk was that the Good Camp tribe would win challenge after challenge after challenge. Which they did. Watching the well-fed, well-rested tribe continually beat the exhausted tribe that resorted to licking water off leaves was not exactly compelling television.

This season had more "Uh, who was that person who got voted out again?" players than any other season. I have a freakishly strong memory for all things SURVIVOR (part of it because it's the only show I watch regularly, part of it because memories about things like "math" and "science" exited to make room) but I couldn't tell you a thing about four of the first six players to go.

A few episodes in, there was a twist where the Good Camp tribe won immunity, but then were presented with a choice: Keep your immunity and move to the Bad Camp, or stay at the Good Camp and vote somebody out. They decided to stay at the Good Camp. A half-dozen SURVIVOR producers went "Dammit!!!"

But in the second half of the season, things really picked up. SURVIVOR: PANAMA introduced the idea of Exile Island, where a hidden immunity idol was buried. In that season, Terry found it and never used it. SURVIVOR: COOK ISLANDS had the same twist. Yul found it and never used it. This time, three immunity idols figured into the game, and all three were played. (If we'd gone a third season in a row without the immunity idol being used, next season Mark Burnett would have handed immunity idols out to players as they got off the plane.)

Now that we've had the great moment where Yau Man was supposed to get voted out, but played the idol and sent Stacey home instead, I hope they retire the hidden immunity idol twist, along with Exile Island. Question, though: We've now had three seasons where, every single episode, somebody gets sent to Exile Island and has to spend the night alone. So how the HELL does "Stephenie Spends The Night Alone," where she was at her OWN CAMP, win the audience award for Toughest SURVIVOR Moment Of All Time?

All the way back in the preview for this season at the Cook Islands reunion show, they promised us that a player would make the Most Controversial Decision Ever. It wasn't an exaggeration. The controversy involved Yau Man, deservedly the most popular player in the show's history, and Dreamz, an idiot. At the Final Six, Yau Man won a $60,000 truck in a reward challenge, and made a deal with Dreamz: He'd give him the truck. In exchange, if both of them were still around in the Final Four, and Dreamz won immunity, he'd give his immunity to Yau Man. Dreamz, who had gone on and on about how much he wanted to win the truck, agreed.

At the Final Four, Dreamz did indeed win immunity. And while crying tears of shame, he backed out of the deal, kept his immunity, and helped vote Yau Man out of the game.

Now, I'm completely into the idea of "It's just a game." In All-Stars, Lex went from my favorite player to the Whiniest Moron Ever when he made the deal with Rob to keep Amber around and got burned. In interviews, he claimed that his deal was outside of the scope of the game, but, really, watching Lex sit on the jury and scowl his way through every tribal council was one of the most pathetic displays in any season.

That said...there was no $60,000 truck involved in the Lex/Rob deal. And I think Dreamz overstepped the boundaries of the game and is fully deserving of any scorn we can heap upon him. Because taking the truck was not a strategic move. It was not meant to get him further in the game or give him an advantage over the other players. He just wanted the truck.

Amusingly, he claimed that the twist in the game (the jury choosing from a Final Three instead of a Final Two) was what changed his mind. This may be the truth, but only because, as previously noted, Dreamz is an idiot. The rules change is what guaranteed that he could NOT win the game. Truck deal or not, Dreamz was never going to beat Yau Man. But he was also never going to beat Earl. He MIGHT have beaten Cassandra. The game ending at Final Three meant that he had no chance of winning: He was either going to face Yau Man or Earl, no matter what. Final Two? Maybe it would've just been Cassandra next to him, and he could've won. So his excuse of "Once I discovered it was a Final Three, that changed everything!" is a feeble one, because that's what eliminated any possibility of him winning the million dollars.

Dreamz's decision to screw over Yau Man did get him more prize money, but it also pretty much eliminated any future income. When you "promise to God" that you're going to stick with the deal, and tell the cameras (multiple times) that you're going to show your son how important it is to keep your word, and then you weasel out of it at the last second, it's safe enough to say that there aren't a lot of endorsement deals in your future. Granted, most SURVIVOR contestants vanish from the public eye minutes after the reunion show airs, but most SURVIVOR contestants don't get to talk on virtually every episode about how they grew up homeless. If he'd said "I have to keep my promise to teach my son about self-respect, even if it costs me a million dollars that I stood no chance of winning anyway," the guy would've been set! Oprah would've been all over him! As it is, he represents SURVIVOR backstabbing at its worst, and I don't think we'll hear anything else from him except his cry of "I have to pay TAXES on this truck?!? Son of a--!!!"

The Dreamz travesty aside, we did get a completely deserving winner in Earl. He was no Yau Man, but he played a smart game. He was the first person ever to win in a unanimous decision (and this was with a jury of nine rather than the usual seven) and took by far the least abuse in the final tribal council of any player in fourteen seasons. It's virtually impossible to get through the entire game without anybody in the jury holding a grudge, but he did it.

So, SURVIVOR: FIJI started off as a lousy season, but by the end I was totally hooked. Fourteen seasons and the show still works. Lookin' forward to SURVIVOR: CHINA.

All Kinds of Stuff

Updates on my recent and upcoming works:

1. There are still a few copies of the limited edition of THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE available out there. Rue Morgue magazine is giving it a rave review in an upcoming issue this summer, so scoop 'em up while you still can. There are no current plans for a paperback edition. I'm holding out for a mass market deal, and since this is a sick zombie comedy, it may be a looooooooooong wait!

http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/simrcobyjest.html

2. I still haven't re-titled my new "serious" thriller, FRACTURED. I probably should, thanks to the Anthony Hopkins movie FRACTURE that just came out. But I don't wanna. This may come out in very late 2007, but most likely you'll see it in 2008.

3. I'm hard at work on my next horror/comedy novel for Delirium Books. It will probably be published in February 2008, one year after THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE, but go up for pre-order around September 2007. I think this'll be the most entertaining AND cringe-inducing book I've written. More details later...

4. No updates on DISPOSAL. I'm still waiting for a final cover price and publication date, and then I'll start promoting the holy heck out of it again.

5. FUNNY STORIES OF SCARY SEX is almost completely sold out everywhere. Though the stories will most likely appear in a future collection (they aren't currently set to be part of GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, although that could change) the White Noise Press chapbook will never be reprinted. It's got two covers by Keith Minnion, two signature sheets, and a "Flip Me, Baby!" drawing in the center. Don't miss it.

http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/wepopo1bstof.html

6. I haven't seen the ELROD McBUGLE ON THE LOOSE paperback yet, but Amazon has it in stock. Yes, it's a book for kids, but you'll like it...I promise!

7. The fourth Andrew Mayhem novel will probably be called LOST HOMICIDAL MANIAC (ANSWERS TO "DEATH ANGEL"). It will also probably be the final book in the series. Who will perish? Roger? Helen? Theresa? Kyle? Andrew himself? Muahahahahahahaha...

8. WAITING FOR OCTOBER is not a limited edition and is not in danger of selling out, but the book is way too cool to justify dilly-dallying. It's got my stories "Gramma's Corpse," "Here's What Happened..." and "Bad Candy House," which is one of my darkest comedy tales ever. It also has three stories each by Sarah Pinborough, Adam Pepper, and Jeffrey Thomas. It's so groovy that I'm going to provide two ordering links:

http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/waforocbodco.html
http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/waforocbyppe.html

9. And nope, I can't say anything more about my recently completed collaborative novel yet.

10. J.A. Konrath already sent the next chapter of the Andrew Mayhem/Harry McGlade story, so now he's waiting on ME again. J.A. Konrath sucks.

Mayhem vs. McGlade: An Update

I just sent off the next chapter in the Andrew Mayhem/Harry McGlade team-up story that I'm writing with J.A. Konrath. He has been waiting for this chapter for so long that he's probably forgotten that the project even exists. Even so, I expect to get his next chapter within the hour.

I hate non-procrastinators.

The Update You've Been Waiting For!!!

The update you've been anxiously awaiting: the fate of the sub-par Tex-Mex restaraunt! But first, some background for those of you who don't obsessively remember every detail of my blog...

A little over a year ago, I went to a brand-new Tex-Mex restaurant, visions of burritos dancing through my head. Sadly, though the prices and wait time were that of a sit-down restaurant, the burrito was Taco Bell all the way. I figured this place was doomed, set a date for their predicted demise (three months in the future), and promised that my blog would contain periodic updates on the situation.

Before doomsday could arrive, the best buffalo wings place in my area closed, even though there was no evidence that they were in trouble. Just like in MY NAME IS EARL, the wobbly fingers of karma had pointed in my direction, terminating my favorite restaurant while keeping the sub-par Tex-Mex place alive.

The next several months were difficult ones. I even resorted to getting Pizza Hut wings. (Don't do that.) A new buffalo wings place opened nearby, but to steal a line from Pod of Horror host Mark Justice, it was a great big pile of suck. Meanwhile, though I never returned to the sub-par Tex-Mex place, I had to drive by it every morning on my way to work. One of the gimmicks was that they made guacamole in-house, and when it was freshly made, they'd have a lit neon sign outside the restaurant, like the "Hot Donuts Now!" sign at Krispy Kreme. But the dullards kept forgetting to turn it off, so half the time the "Guac" sign would be lit when I'd drive past at 5:45 AM, which sort of missed the point.

It was a dark time in my life. But there was a rainbow on the horizon...

At the end of March, a brand-new buffalo wings place opened, a mere mile from my house. More flavors of wings than Baskin Robbins has flavors of ice cream. And unlike a lot of other places, they aren't stingy about letting you mix-and-match flavors. Pure buffalo wing excellence on every level.

And as of this week, the sub-par Tex-Mex place has met its deserved fate. It's history. If you want to lease the building, I'll get you the contact information.

I could cackle with maniacal laughter, but that would be beneath me.

Back From Exile!

My blog has been gathering dust for a while as I finished up my first collaborative novel. I don't want to blab too much about the book until the big announcement, but it's a really fun tongue-in-cheek monster-fest with GOBS AND GOBS AND GOBS of gory action. Assuming that the publisher doesn't say "THIS is what I paid for? WTF?!?" the book should be in your clawed hands by Halloween.

You might think that writing a collaborative novel would be easier than writing a solo one. C'mon, you only have to write half the words! But........nope. No friendships were destroyed, no blood was spilled, and nobody called each other a big ol' mean poopie-head, but even this relatively conflict-free collaboration was quite a challenge. A FUN challenge, but a challenge.

But if you like books with monsters in them...ooooooooh, baby, keep watching this space...