More Astounding Badness of Mayhem the Cat!

The cure for this "lying in the sink" habit is oh-so-obvious, but I'm not quite that mean.

100 TEARS - Psycho Killer Clown Movie!

This slasher flick (made in my hometown of Tampa, Florida) had its premiere yesterday, then had a second screening today. If you like killer clown movies...well, this is probably the all-time bloodiest.

It's definitely not perfect. There's a jaw-dropping opening massacre, but after you've seen that sequence you've pretty much seen all of the different gore effects that the movie has to offer, and the various decapitations, dismemberments, and disembowelings (of which there are plenty) start to look the same. And the numerous victims of the oversized meat cleaver are introduced only minutes--if not seconds--before their demise.

But the acting is a LOT better than you'd expect, even from some of the characters who only get a few lines before their decapitation/dismemberment/disembowling. And the clown himself is quite creepy. If you looked at the poster above and thought "Yeah, that looks pretty cool," you'll probably feel like you got your money's worth.

I'm not sure what kind of release is planned, or if they have a distributor yet, but you can visit the MySpace page at www.myspace.com/100tearsmovie

Movies & Stuff

As an experiment to see if I can boost participation on my message board (traffic isn't bad at all, but not many people post!) I'm gonna start posting threads for each movie I see, book I read, or whatever other artistic endeavor I experience. Not lengthy reviews, just quick comments to get a discussion going.

I started with last night's features: Lucky McGee's awful THE WOODS, and the wildly entertaining Japanese zombie flick WILD ZERO. You're welcome and encouraged to start topics about your own favorites, least favorites, or fascinating mediocrities.

Registration is required to weed out the naughty spammers, but you can do that right here:

http://horrorworld.org/v-web/bulletin/bb/profile.php?mode=register

Then visit my message board right here:

http://horrorworld.org/v-web/bulletin/bb/viewforum.php?f=9

Chat TONIGHT!!!!

Tonight, Monday the 18th, is my awe-inspiring chat in the Delirium Books chat room, from 9:00 to 11:00 PM Eastern Time. And to sweeten the deal, one lucky winner will get a free copy of each of my Delirium Books published for the next two years! It's pure madness!

For the chat details, click right here, babe: http://www.deliriumbooks.com/insider/?p=309

THREE New Books!!!

My next blog entry was supposed to be a delightful attempt to coerce you into buying Disposal. But I didn't finish it in time, and most of you folks are off doing other things during the weekend than reading blog posts, so I'm saving it for next week.

In the meantime, for those of you who didn't listen to the new episode of Pod of Horror, here were the three announcements about books that you can't buy yet, but will be able to soon...

THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR: My first collaborative novel, co-written with James A. Moore (Fireworks, Serenity Falls, Harvest Moon, etc.). This book is so action-packed and monster-filled that you probably won't even be able to read it. You'll get, like, fifty pages in and just say "I can't take it! There's just too much cool stuff happening!" Though I can't reveal the publisher yet, you'll have this in your sweaty hands by year end. Look for the big announcement and cover art next month.

GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES: My first short story collection, to be published by Delirium Books. I haven't quite finalized the table of contents, but it'll contain fan favorites (of course the wiener dog story will be in there!), some obscure stuff (well, okay, almost all of my short story credits are obscure), and a brand spanking new novella. Publication date is not yet finalized, and we're not sure yet if it'll come out before or after...

BENJAMIN'S PARASITE: ...another Delirium Books publication, and the first book in my three-book "horror/comedy novel" contract. This one mixes the cringe-inducing "body horror" subgenre with a wacky chase comedy, and is probably my weirdest, sickest, funniest novel. The plan was for Delirium to publish one of my novels every February, but Gleefully Macabre Tales may push it back about three months. Or Benjamin's Parasite may come out first. I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, you really should consider pre-ordering Disposal, which I hear is quite good, from Biting Dog Press.

http://www.bitingdogpress.com/Bitingdogpub/disposal.htm

Pod Of HORROR!!!!

The new episode is finally available! There's an interview with me featuring all kinds of exclusive announcements, but there's also an interview with Kevin Eastman, co-creator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I haven't listened to it yet, so I'm not sure if host Mark Justice asks about Vanilla Ice's appearance in TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze, but that would be pretty cool.

I assume that I sound like a complete dweeb.

http://www.horrorworld.org/poh.htm

Wow, Am I Dumb Or What?

Those of you who actually clicked on the link probably noticed that my chat is NEXT Monday, June 18th, and not tomorrow.

This is because I am a severe dork.

My bad.

Carry on.

--Jeff the Not-So-Observant

Pre-Show Entertainment!!!

[This portion of the blog edited out because I'm a calendar-impaired idiot.]

So, the "pre-show entertainment" (commercials) at our theatres used to have a very funny ad. A guy is sitting in his living room, leaving a tearful message on his girlfriend's answering machine. Sidney Pollack walks in and starts complaining: the lighting is wrong, the guy should be pacing instead of sitting, etc. The guy gives him a "Who are you and why are you in my house?" look. Sidney Pollack sarcastically says "Oh, I'm sorry. Is my directing interfering with your phone call?" Then we're told to please silence our cell phones before the movie.

The new version of this ad features Forrest Whitaker, who is giving an inspirational speech to a huge crowd. One woman closes her eyes in pure bliss, as his words seep over her like warm honey over a fresh strawberry. Her cell phone rings. She quickly shuts it off, and without missing a beat, returns to her expression of pure ecstasy at the beauty of Forrest's words. The camera dramatically pans back as we are told to please silence our cell phones before the movie.

Look, if you're gonna sell the "turn off your cell phones" message, there have to be CONSEQUENCES. She can't just have a split-second of inconvenience and then go right back to her take-me-now-Forrest expression.

He needs to stop the speech. "Whose phone was that? Who the [bleep] interrupted my [bleeping] speech with their phone???" A dozen people point to her. "Get out!" Forrest screams. "Get the [bleep] out of here!" The woman tearfully pushes her way through the angry crowd. She's lucky to escape with her life. Cut to the same woman miserably listening to an inspirational speech by Rob Schneider.

Or even this:

FORREST: You have the power to change things! Be all that you can be! A penny saved is a penny earned! All of you, join together and--

[A cell phone goes off, disrupting Forrest's train of thought.]

FORREST: --s**t!

[People in the audience look at each other, shrug, and follow his instructions.]

FORREST: No! Oh, God, no! People, please, that's not what I meant! Noooooooooo!!!!

THAT would make me shut off my cell phone before the movie. As it is, I think I'm going to find a really obnoxious ringtone and sell my number to a bunch of telemarketers.

Shocklines

In a piece of news that hit me like a 80 lb. sack of kitty litter to the lower intestine, Matt Schwartz announced that he'll be closing up Shocklines, the online bookstore of choice for horror fans a-plenty.

Matt's one of the best guys in the horror community. Sure, some people don't like him, but they generally fall into the category of "bumbling laughable idiots" and can be easily dismissed. The scope of Shocklines selection will probably never be matched, and it was simply a great place to buy books. It'll be missed.

All pre-orders from Shocklines will be filled. So if you ordered DISPOSAL there, you'll still get it, and you'll still get the free remarquee (an original sketch on the title page) by artist Keith Minnion. The remarquee was and will continue to be a Shocklines exclusive, and Shocklines will be accepting new pre-orders for a few more days, so this is your last chance.

http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/dinobjestbha.html

Meanwhile, Matt has a lot of stock that needs to go bye-bye, so why not go on a crazed shopping spree? They've got WAITING FOR OCTOBER, the snazzy limited edition of PRESSURE, and all kinds of great stuff by authors much more talented than me. So click the link below and order like a madman/madwoman!

http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/

Stuff

My Pod of Horror interview went pretty well, even if I wouldn't have minded another take. I always enjoy e-mail interviews, where they send me the questions and I can take the time to seem witty, clever, and articulate. On phone interviews I tend to babble like an unsocialized cretin, but I think it was moderately entertaining babble. The episode (which features THREE exclusive revelations about my new projects) should be available for your listening ecstasy in the next couple of days.

KNOCKED UP is very, very funny. In a world where I skip 98% of the comedies that are released because they look absolutely abysmal (that means you, DELTA FARCE), I was really looking forward to this one. Because of the storm, the power went out at our mighty AMC theatre, so we drove to the inferior Regal Cinemas theatre. Great movie.

I finished a very silly, very twisted story called "The Eight Legs of Vengeance." I'll let you know if it gets rejected.

The HATCHET poster is now my computer wallpaper.