Funny Sex Doesn't Suck

I got a sneak peek at the review for FUNNY STORIES OF SCARY SEX that will be printed in the next issue of THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW. It says things like:

"Strand has seldom been sicker than this...bust-your-gut funny...Strand isn't only off his rocker here, he's out of his freakin' mind...a guaranteed laugh riot."

You can grab it right here with free shipping and a money-back guarantee:

http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/wepopo1bstof.html

Meanwhile, look for an announcement about my next book, a novella, fairly soon. It's a screwball comedy, but with severed heads and oozing and stuff.

They CAN'T Be Serious!

I was innocently glancing at the Rotten Tomatoes website, hurting no one, when I saw that they're making a big-screen Smurfs movie.

My generation is nostalgiac over plenty of crap, which is how two SCOOBY DOO movies got made, but c'mon...the frickin' SMURFS? Hollywood executives really should have done some market research. All they'd have to do is walk out onto any random street and talk to any random person:

EXECUTIVE: Excuse me, sir. Would you go see a Smurfs movie?

MAN ON STREET: Gosh, no!

That would've saved them $80 million.

Also, the Smurf video game for ColecoVision sucked. I'm a couple of decades too late, but I thought I'd share that.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I'm in Minnesota for my annual Thanksgiving visit, but it's really only a couple of degrees cooler than it was when I left Florida, so I can't really do my traditional "Jeez is it freakin' COLD up here!" post.

I can, however, complain about the National Dog Show Presented By Purina. It's bad enough that one of those freakishly groomed poodles won Best of Show. A poodle always seems to win these things, even though any non-insane human being can tell you that contemporary poodle hair styles are flat-out grotesque. What's with those twin spheres of fur on its back? Why would you design a dog that you can't even pet? I don't want to see any more poodle champions; I mean it.

More appalling is that they didn't even show the pug being judged. If you're going to cut out a dog to fit the allotted time slot, cut the mop dog. That thing is unnatural and disturbing. Don't cut the pug. I also like Boston Terriers and wiener dogs, but for the most part I'm all about the pugs. I expect a pug to get double the screen time next year to make up for this travesty.

I hope that all of you in Thanksgiving-celebrating nations had a great Thanksgiving!

Shameless Poll

http://horrorworld.org/v-web/bulletin/bb/viewtopic.php?t=2035

Giddy Giddy Giddy

I've got tickets to all nine movies in the After Dark Horror Fest (http://www.horrorfestonline.com) this weekend.

I'm gonna write all day each day, and then...REWARD!!!

My Motion Picture Immortality

"Hey, Jeff," you probably think on a regular basis, "whatever happened with that movie PLAYGIARISM that you had a non-speaking bit part in, where you had that one scene where you handed the lead character a copy of MANDIBLES but they cut it out?"

Well, it had its premiere last weekend at SuperCon. I was not there, so I don't know how audiences reacted to my amazing performance as A Guy Sitting In The Audience. I know that during the filming I was asked to convey a multitude of emotions (laughing, exhuberant, looking kinda weepy, etc.) but I don't know how much of my thespian range made it into the final product. At least ONE of my close-ups better have made it in there, dammit.

Writer/director Jose Prendes said that people seemed to enjoy the movie, and he's sending me a DVD so I can see it for myself. Until then, I present these two reviews of PLAYGIARISM. They're not...ummmm...GOOD reviews, but nor do they suggest that my four seconds of screen time ruined the movie, and really, isn't that all that matters?

http://www.stylusmagazine.com/articles/movie_review/playgiarism.htm

http://www.qwipster.net/playgiarism.htm

An Even Longer Kong

I loved Peter Jackson's King Kong, but it might as well have carried the official title King Kong: Holy Crap, Did You Hear That It's Three Hours Long?!? For something like Lord of the Rings, yeah, the lengthy running time felt appropriate. For a giant ape movie, not so much. The overwhelming consensus was that the theatrical version of King Kong could've used a trim, so I find it amusing that they're about to release an extended edition on DVD that runs half an hour LONGER!

I've already bought the first 2-disc release, along with the Production Diaries collection, and of course the special edition of the original movie. I think my King Kong needs have been served, thank you very much.

Bummer!

I just found out that Robert R. McCammon was in town last month to defend my all-time favorite novel (BOY'S LIFE) against the school board that wanted to ban it from their library. (He was successful.) It's not like this was an open-to-the-public event or that he and I would've gone out to Dairy Queen afterward, but...I dunno...maybe I could've peeked in a window or something.

Ego Deflation

Every morning at work, I buy an overpriced energy drink and a piece of fruit from the cafeteria. It costs me a little over three bucks. Last night I finally decided that this was stupid, and brought my breakfast fruit and energy drinks from home.

As we got in the elevator, I explained to my co-worker that I had finally stopped being stupid. While I was explaining this, I kept pressing the 6 button, but it wouldn't light up.

I finished explaining how smart I was at the very moment that I realized that the reason the 6 button wouldn't light up is because we were on the 6th floor, and our intent was to go to the 1st floor.

Yes, she noticed.

Ego Boost

Woo-hoo! It's my third week on the Shocklines bestseller list! And if you look back at the past three weeks of in-stock bestsellers, FUNNY STORIES OF SCARY SEX is the only title to show up for more than one week. Groovy.

In-Stock Shocklines Bestsellers for week of November 7th:
1) Destinations Unknown by Gary A. Braunbeck with art by Deena Warner
2) The Surgeon of Souls by Victor Rousseau
3) Lairs of the Hidden Gods, Volume 3: Straight to Darkness edited by Ken Asamatsu
4) Then Comes The Child: A Novella by Christopher Fulbright and Angeline Hawkes
5) Axiom-man: A Novel by A.P. Fuchs
6) The Impelled & Other Head Trips by Gary Fry
7) New Wave of Horror Fiction: When Graveyards Yawn edited by Sean Wright including work by Shockliners Gary Fry and Gary McMahon
8) Subterranean Magazine #5
9) Werewolf Porno/Sex Potion #147: Funny Stories of Scary Sex by Jeff Strand with art by Keith Minnion
10) Falling Angel by William Hjortsberg

My First Post...Kind Of...

I've decided to set up a mirror blog on Blogger, just in case there are Blogger loyalists who might otherwise miss my delightfully clever musings and (much more often) shameless and obnoxious self-promotion. Enjoy, whackos!!!