10 Simple Ways to Further My Career
So I wrote this book called Disposal, which ships in about six weeks. If you're reading this, no doubt you pre-ordered your own copy in a flurry of "Oh, jeez, please don't let it be sold out...please, please, please don't let it be sold out...all I ask is this one small--oh, thank God!!! Woo-hoo! V for Victory! Yeeeeeee-ha!!!"
That's cool. You have my utmost gratitude. Unfortunately, it's been brought to my attention that many of you think that your role in the process ends with purchasing and subsequently reading the book. Well, I hate to say it, but that kind of lackluster effort puts a frowny face on my face. I thought we were in this together? I'm not saying that you should be as committed to my success as I am, but is a 65/35 split too much to ask?
The process should be: 1) I give you the precious gift of writing a new book. 2) You buy and read my gift to you. 3) You try to help me make it wildly successful. 4) I get paid more for giving you future gifts of writing new books. We're good with 1) and 2), but 3) and 4) are a bit shaky.
Perhaps it's my fault. I haven't provided enough guidance. Therefore, I've helpfully compiled a list of 10 ways that you can assist me in selling lots of copies of Disposal. Please select three (3) tasks from the list and complete them prior to Friday, August 31st, 11:59 PM ET.
1. Buy Extra Copies. This is the easiest way you can help. Order several extra copies (several = 3 to 7) and leave them in strategic points around your city, such as a bus stop or a Starbucks. This allows a stranger to discover the book, think "Here now, what's all this then?", read a few pages, and--BOOM!!!--I've just acquired a new fan who will order Pressure and Single White Psychopath Seeks Same and The Haunted Forest Tour and Elrod McBugle on the Loose and How to Rescue a Dead Princess and Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) and Mandibles and The Sinister Mr. Corpse and Out of Whack and Casket For Sale (Only Used Once). All for the rather effortless act of changing the number in your online shopping cart from "1" to "7." See how easy this is?
2. Spam. Spam like your frickin' life depended on it. Look, when I spam, it's spam, but when YOU spam, you're merely sharing news about your very favorite author. Possible subject lines include: "OMG!!! Disposal RULEZ!!!" and "Disposal HAS MAD SKILLS!!! LOL!!!"
3. Defend Me From Critics. Sometimes there'll be a message board thread, and somebody will say "Gosh, I can't wait until my copy of Disposal arrives," and some other cretin will say "Forget that! I don't order those overpriced stand-alone hardcover novellas!" Well, pardon my use of the f-word disguised with asterisks, but f*** them! Don't allow those Whiny Walters or Negative Nellies to poison the populace against my overpriced stand-alone hardcover novella! When somebody posts something like that, reply back (in all caps) that you're going to kick them right in the teeth. If the message board allows you to insert graphics, include a picture of some teeth and Photoshop a picture of your foot kicking them.
4. Write Your Own Disposal Fan Fiction. If it's slash fiction, include relevant illustrations.
5. Act All Impressed And Stuff By Good Reviews. SF Review just gave Disposal a hella good review that said stuff like:
"A dark comedy so smartly funny that laughing through bodily mutilation is your only option."and..."The author knows how to work the reader, never jolting you out of your suspension of disbelief, no matter how outrageous and over the top the plot gets."
Read the full review at http://www.sfreader.com/read_review.asp?book=1086
After you've read the review, print out 75-80 copies and post them around your hometown. Stand next to the flyer in the highest-traffic area, put on your most winning smile, and tell passing strangers that we roomed together in college.
6. Be a Canadian. Canadians are frequently saying "Shipping costs from the U.S. are crazy, eh? It's cutting into my Tim Horton's budget!" Well, as a special thank-you to our Canuck friends for bringing us the music of the Arrogant Worms ("I am cow, hear me moo, I weigh twice as much as you, and I look good on the barbecue..."), shipping to Canada is absolutely FREE if you order directly from Biting Dog Press! Just e-mail biting-dog-press@excite.com and tell 'em you're Canadian and want Disposal, dammit!
7. Include the phrase "That's all well and good, but what does it have to do with Jeff Strand's novella Disposal?" in all of your daily conversations. I think this one is self-explanatory.
8. Praise Booksellers Who Carry Disposal. Larry Roberts at Bloodletting Books doesn't HAVE to carry Disposal. Nobody put a gun to his head and said "Put this book up for pre-order or your brains will create abstract art upon your flowery wallpaper," and they didn't punch him in the gut when he made a witty but anger-inducing comment about his splattery brains being better reading material than Disposal, and it certainly wasn't necessary to break a couple of his fingers to get him to cooperate. So why not praise the man? Tell him how much you appreciate the fact that he carries fine novellas like Disposal. Send him a package of expensive pears, or maybe bring over some hot cocoa after you visit his website, just to say "Thanks, Larry."
http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/dinobyjestli.html
9. Add Disposal To Your Signature Line. What does your current signature line have? A funny quote? A life-affirming statement? Promo for YOUR book? Sorry, but that me-me-me attitude isn't going to sell more copies of Disposal, now is it? Change your signature line to say something like "Buy Jeff Strand's superb novella Disposal or you suck!" Post often. Send a flurry of one-line e-mails with vapid content that won't distract the recipient from your signature line. Bonus points if you create a flashy, obnoxious, eye-melting banner that links to my website.
10. Every Time You See a Computer, Visit The Disposal Page.
http://www.bitingdogpress.com/Bitingdogpub/disposal.htm
At work? At your public library? At your local Circuit City? Anyplace there are computers around, just pop that URL above into the web browser and walk away. If they're seated in front of the computer and try to slap your hand away, pretend to enjoy the physical contact a little too much.
Okay, everybody got it? Let's get the Disposal army into gear and RULE THE WORLD!!! March on, punks!
Your Pal,
Jeff Strand
http://www.jeffstrand.com/
That's cool. You have my utmost gratitude. Unfortunately, it's been brought to my attention that many of you think that your role in the process ends with purchasing and subsequently reading the book. Well, I hate to say it, but that kind of lackluster effort puts a frowny face on my face. I thought we were in this together? I'm not saying that you should be as committed to my success as I am, but is a 65/35 split too much to ask?
The process should be: 1) I give you the precious gift of writing a new book. 2) You buy and read my gift to you. 3) You try to help me make it wildly successful. 4) I get paid more for giving you future gifts of writing new books. We're good with 1) and 2), but 3) and 4) are a bit shaky.
Perhaps it's my fault. I haven't provided enough guidance. Therefore, I've helpfully compiled a list of 10 ways that you can assist me in selling lots of copies of Disposal. Please select three (3) tasks from the list and complete them prior to Friday, August 31st, 11:59 PM ET.
1. Buy Extra Copies. This is the easiest way you can help. Order several extra copies (several = 3 to 7) and leave them in strategic points around your city, such as a bus stop or a Starbucks. This allows a stranger to discover the book, think "Here now, what's all this then?", read a few pages, and--BOOM!!!--I've just acquired a new fan who will order Pressure and Single White Psychopath Seeks Same and The Haunted Forest Tour and Elrod McBugle on the Loose and How to Rescue a Dead Princess and Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) and Mandibles and The Sinister Mr. Corpse and Out of Whack and Casket For Sale (Only Used Once). All for the rather effortless act of changing the number in your online shopping cart from "1" to "7." See how easy this is?
2. Spam. Spam like your frickin' life depended on it. Look, when I spam, it's spam, but when YOU spam, you're merely sharing news about your very favorite author. Possible subject lines include: "OMG!!! Disposal RULEZ!!!" and "Disposal HAS MAD SKILLS!!! LOL!!!"
3. Defend Me From Critics. Sometimes there'll be a message board thread, and somebody will say "Gosh, I can't wait until my copy of Disposal arrives," and some other cretin will say "Forget that! I don't order those overpriced stand-alone hardcover novellas!" Well, pardon my use of the f-word disguised with asterisks, but f*** them! Don't allow those Whiny Walters or Negative Nellies to poison the populace against my overpriced stand-alone hardcover novella! When somebody posts something like that, reply back (in all caps) that you're going to kick them right in the teeth. If the message board allows you to insert graphics, include a picture of some teeth and Photoshop a picture of your foot kicking them.
4. Write Your Own Disposal Fan Fiction. If it's slash fiction, include relevant illustrations.
5. Act All Impressed And Stuff By Good Reviews. SF Review just gave Disposal a hella good review that said stuff like:
"A dark comedy so smartly funny that laughing through bodily mutilation is your only option."and..."The author knows how to work the reader, never jolting you out of your suspension of disbelief, no matter how outrageous and over the top the plot gets."
Read the full review at http://www.sfreader.com/read_review.asp?book=1086
After you've read the review, print out 75-80 copies and post them around your hometown. Stand next to the flyer in the highest-traffic area, put on your most winning smile, and tell passing strangers that we roomed together in college.
6. Be a Canadian. Canadians are frequently saying "Shipping costs from the U.S. are crazy, eh? It's cutting into my Tim Horton's budget!" Well, as a special thank-you to our Canuck friends for bringing us the music of the Arrogant Worms ("I am cow, hear me moo, I weigh twice as much as you, and I look good on the barbecue..."), shipping to Canada is absolutely FREE if you order directly from Biting Dog Press! Just e-mail biting-dog-press@excite.com and tell 'em you're Canadian and want Disposal, dammit!
7. Include the phrase "That's all well and good, but what does it have to do with Jeff Strand's novella Disposal?" in all of your daily conversations. I think this one is self-explanatory.
8. Praise Booksellers Who Carry Disposal. Larry Roberts at Bloodletting Books doesn't HAVE to carry Disposal. Nobody put a gun to his head and said "Put this book up for pre-order or your brains will create abstract art upon your flowery wallpaper," and they didn't punch him in the gut when he made a witty but anger-inducing comment about his splattery brains being better reading material than Disposal, and it certainly wasn't necessary to break a couple of his fingers to get him to cooperate. So why not praise the man? Tell him how much you appreciate the fact that he carries fine novellas like Disposal. Send him a package of expensive pears, or maybe bring over some hot cocoa after you visit his website, just to say "Thanks, Larry."
http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/dinobyjestli.html
9. Add Disposal To Your Signature Line. What does your current signature line have? A funny quote? A life-affirming statement? Promo for YOUR book? Sorry, but that me-me-me attitude isn't going to sell more copies of Disposal, now is it? Change your signature line to say something like "Buy Jeff Strand's superb novella Disposal or you suck!" Post often. Send a flurry of one-line e-mails with vapid content that won't distract the recipient from your signature line. Bonus points if you create a flashy, obnoxious, eye-melting banner that links to my website.
10. Every Time You See a Computer, Visit The Disposal Page.
http://www.bitingdogpress.com/Bitingdogpub/disposal.htm
At work? At your public library? At your local Circuit City? Anyplace there are computers around, just pop that URL above into the web browser and walk away. If they're seated in front of the computer and try to slap your hand away, pretend to enjoy the physical contact a little too much.
Okay, everybody got it? Let's get the Disposal army into gear and RULE THE WORLD!!! March on, punks!
Your Pal,
Jeff Strand
http://www.jeffstrand.com/
posted by Jeff Strand at 6:57 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home