Rejected Stoker Acceptance Speech #2
Well, well, well. What an interesting turn of events, hmmm?
They say it's an honor just to be nominated. So tell me, do the rest of you feel HONORED right now? I didn't think so. Why don't you try this experiment: Go buy a big, delicious, juicy cheeseburger, dangle it in front of a homeless man, and tell him that he's a finalist for the cheeseburger. Then say "Sorry, you didn't win!" and gobble it up yourself in front of him. Do you think he'll feel HONORED that his starving carcass ALMOST got a meal? I think not.
Many people say that the Stokers are nothing but a popularity contest. Why, that must mean that I'm the most popular guy in the room! I'm captain of the football team, scoring with hot cheerleaders, while you're all getting wedgies and being stuffed into lockers! Hey, Gary, discuss any fascinating theorems in physics club today? Yo, Tom, how are the clarinet lessons going? Haw haw haw!
To be perfectly honest, those of you who won some of those second-tier weenie categories aren't much better. Best short story? Ooooooooh, I'm SO impressed! What, did you run out of ideas after 2000 words? Best poetry? Oh, yeah, people just LOOOOVE poetry! "Look at me, la la la, I'm a fruity poet!" C'mon, give me a break. Here's a poem for you: The Stoker is mine, and f*** the red wheelbarrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens!
How much time do I have left? I'm out? Yeah, well, why don't you bring up the band then? Oh, that's right, you don't HAVE a band! This whole ceremony is one big--hey, hands off, punk! Don't MAKE me hurt you! Hey! That was completely unnecessary! Dammit, Shrews, get your--OW!!! Okay, jeez! I give up! I SAID I give up! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! I'm sitting down, okay? Here I am, sitting back in my chair. Jerk.
Screw you all. I should've won this in 2005 for TWO TWISTED NUTS anyway.
They say it's an honor just to be nominated. So tell me, do the rest of you feel HONORED right now? I didn't think so. Why don't you try this experiment: Go buy a big, delicious, juicy cheeseburger, dangle it in front of a homeless man, and tell him that he's a finalist for the cheeseburger. Then say "Sorry, you didn't win!" and gobble it up yourself in front of him. Do you think he'll feel HONORED that his starving carcass ALMOST got a meal? I think not.
Many people say that the Stokers are nothing but a popularity contest. Why, that must mean that I'm the most popular guy in the room! I'm captain of the football team, scoring with hot cheerleaders, while you're all getting wedgies and being stuffed into lockers! Hey, Gary, discuss any fascinating theorems in physics club today? Yo, Tom, how are the clarinet lessons going? Haw haw haw!
To be perfectly honest, those of you who won some of those second-tier weenie categories aren't much better. Best short story? Ooooooooh, I'm SO impressed! What, did you run out of ideas after 2000 words? Best poetry? Oh, yeah, people just LOOOOVE poetry! "Look at me, la la la, I'm a fruity poet!" C'mon, give me a break. Here's a poem for you: The Stoker is mine, and f*** the red wheelbarrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens!
How much time do I have left? I'm out? Yeah, well, why don't you bring up the band then? Oh, that's right, you don't HAVE a band! This whole ceremony is one big--hey, hands off, punk! Don't MAKE me hurt you! Hey! That was completely unnecessary! Dammit, Shrews, get your--OW!!! Okay, jeez! I give up! I SAID I give up! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! I'm sitting down, okay? Here I am, sitting back in my chair. Jerk.
Screw you all. I should've won this in 2005 for TWO TWISTED NUTS anyway.
posted by Jeff Strand at 5:35 PM
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