Rejected Stoker Acceptance Speech #1
[Wait for presenter to say "And the winner is...PRESSURE by Jeff Strand!" Gasp. Hug wife. Wipe tear from eye. Give high-five to 4-7 people during victory jog up to stage.]
Oh, wow, just...wow. I can't believe this. You know what, I barely even know what to say right now. Wow. This is so cool. I guess I'd like to start by saying "Ha! You SUCK, Stephen King!"
[Long, uncomfortable silence.]
I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry, that was very disrespectful. Stephen King has made countless contributions to our genre, and he's always been generous in his support for new authors, and there was no excuse for my comment. I apologize. I'm sorry.
Damn, I really screwed this up, didn't I? This was supposed to be an exciting moment, and I had to go and ruin everything. This isn't the way I envisioned this at all. Now I'm just babbling, aren't I? I'm sorry...I'm sorry...
OW! This [expletive deleted] Stoker has sharp edges! Who the [expletive deleted] designed this thing?!? Now I'm bleeding all over the place! Great. Juuuuuuust [expletive deleted] great.
[Push Mistress of Ceremonies Sephera Giron out of the way as she tries to assist with stopping the flow of blood.]
Leave me alone! I can take care of it! Oh, jeez, now I'm feeling light-headed. I'm gonna have to lie down for a minute. Oh, man, that thing got me good. Everybody just...just give me a second...just...
[Lose consciousness.]
[Regain consciousness.]
I'd like to start by thanking Paul Miller, who published the book. You go, boy! I'd also like to thank Jim Moore. You da man, Jim! Waaaaazup??? Heh heh, that's from those beer commercials. Finally, I'd like to thank everybody else who will be offended if I don't thank them...except YOU over there in the corner! You didn't do squat. I don't even know you. Who the hell are you?
Oh, sorry, Mr. Bradbury. That was rude of me. You deserve much more respect than that. I'm always doing this. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
[Beat self repeatedly.]
[Lose consciousness.]
[Regain consciousness. Banquet room is deserted. Realize that Stoker trophy has been stolen. Weep softly in the darkness.]
Oh, wow, just...wow. I can't believe this. You know what, I barely even know what to say right now. Wow. This is so cool. I guess I'd like to start by saying "Ha! You SUCK, Stephen King!"
[Long, uncomfortable silence.]
I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry, that was very disrespectful. Stephen King has made countless contributions to our genre, and he's always been generous in his support for new authors, and there was no excuse for my comment. I apologize. I'm sorry.
Damn, I really screwed this up, didn't I? This was supposed to be an exciting moment, and I had to go and ruin everything. This isn't the way I envisioned this at all. Now I'm just babbling, aren't I? I'm sorry...I'm sorry...
OW! This [expletive deleted] Stoker has sharp edges! Who the [expletive deleted] designed this thing?!? Now I'm bleeding all over the place! Great. Juuuuuuust [expletive deleted] great.
[Push Mistress of Ceremonies Sephera Giron out of the way as she tries to assist with stopping the flow of blood.]
Leave me alone! I can take care of it! Oh, jeez, now I'm feeling light-headed. I'm gonna have to lie down for a minute. Oh, man, that thing got me good. Everybody just...just give me a second...just...
[Lose consciousness.]
[Regain consciousness.]
I'd like to start by thanking Paul Miller, who published the book. You go, boy! I'd also like to thank Jim Moore. You da man, Jim! Waaaaazup??? Heh heh, that's from those beer commercials. Finally, I'd like to thank everybody else who will be offended if I don't thank them...except YOU over there in the corner! You didn't do squat. I don't even know you. Who the hell are you?
Oh, sorry, Mr. Bradbury. That was rude of me. You deserve much more respect than that. I'm always doing this. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
[Beat self repeatedly.]
[Lose consciousness.]
[Regain consciousness. Banquet room is deserted. Realize that Stoker trophy has been stolen. Weep softly in the darkness.]
posted by Jeff Strand at 10:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home