Save Paul Miller's Spine!
Paul Miller, ruler of Earthling Publications, recently made a heartbreaking announcement that elicited cries of sympathy worldwide: He's moving.
Man, I hate moving. I still have cold-sweat-inducing flashbacks to my last move (I say "AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!" a lot when they happen) and that was years ago.
Paul, being a publisher of books, has a lot of books to move. And unfortunately, without YOUR help, the following scenario may occur:
[Scene: The offices of Earthling Publications. Paul Miller is packing up an extremely large box.]
PAUL [muttering]: Stupid PRESSURE novel...thousands of unsold copies...damn Strand and his camera...I didn't even bite the stripper that hard...can't believe I have to move these things to the new office...
[Paul packs the last of the PRESSURE copies, seals up the box, and lifts it.]
SOUND EFFECT: CUH-RACK!!!
PAUL: MY BACK!!! Oh, the pain! The pain! Sweet merciful angels in heaven, please make the pain stop! Ow! Ow! Owowowowowowowowwwwwwwww!!!
[Paul falls to the floor. His adorable daughter bursts into the room.]
PAUL'S DAUGHTER: Daddy! Daddy! What's wrong?
PAUL: I'm sorry, my precious butterfly, I'm so sorry! I won't be around to see you grow up. Promise me you'll take care of your mother! Promise me!
PAUL'S DAUGHTER: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[Paul lets out one last gasp...and then expires.]
LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN: Mr. Miller, I've just noticed that I never asked you to sign your $1,000,000 life insurance policy, but if you'll initial right here you'll be all set and...uh-oh...
SOME GUY FROM THE FUTURE: The Chosen One has died! The prophecy will never come to pass, and the eight-headed fifteen-horned beast will devour all of mankind! Run!
PARIS HILTON: I was just elected President! That's hot.
Do you want this to happen? I'm pretty sure you don't. That's why, Earthling Publications is having their first-ever Please Help Me Not Have To Haul All Of This Crap To The New Office sale!
If you order two or more currently-available books (excluding THE UNBLEMISHED by Conrad Williams and any lettered editions) between now and 11:59 PM on Saturday the 9th, you will receive 50% off your total order!
You could get a hardcover copy of PRESSURE for $12.50! That's just plain wacky! Why not make Earthling your one-stop shopping place this holiday season and order copies of PRESSURE for all of your friends and loved ones? They'll think you spent $25! It's like getting double the credit for the quality of your gift.
You can also pick up many other fine Earthling titles, including titles by the awesome James Newman, the awesome Erik Tomblin, the awesome Brian Hodge, the awesome Brian Knight, the awesome Gary Braunbeck, the awesome Dan Simmons, the awesome Jeffrey Thomas, and gobs of other awesome writers. Or you can just order a bunch of copies of PRESSURE. Your call.
To see the book selection, head on over to:
http://www.earthlingpub.com/books.htm
However, don't order from the website. Instead, send the list of titles you want (example: "PRESSURE - 18 copies") to earthlingpub@yahoo.com and they'll send you a quote.
Remember, this offer ends one minute before midnight on Saturday, December 9th.
Stock up, baby.
Man, I hate moving. I still have cold-sweat-inducing flashbacks to my last move (I say "AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!" a lot when they happen) and that was years ago.
Paul, being a publisher of books, has a lot of books to move. And unfortunately, without YOUR help, the following scenario may occur:
[Scene: The offices of Earthling Publications. Paul Miller is packing up an extremely large box.]
PAUL [muttering]: Stupid PRESSURE novel...thousands of unsold copies...damn Strand and his camera...I didn't even bite the stripper that hard...can't believe I have to move these things to the new office...
[Paul packs the last of the PRESSURE copies, seals up the box, and lifts it.]
SOUND EFFECT: CUH-RACK!!!
PAUL: MY BACK!!! Oh, the pain! The pain! Sweet merciful angels in heaven, please make the pain stop! Ow! Ow! Owowowowowowowowwwwwwwww!!!
[Paul falls to the floor. His adorable daughter bursts into the room.]
PAUL'S DAUGHTER: Daddy! Daddy! What's wrong?
PAUL: I'm sorry, my precious butterfly, I'm so sorry! I won't be around to see you grow up. Promise me you'll take care of your mother! Promise me!
PAUL'S DAUGHTER: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[Paul lets out one last gasp...and then expires.]
LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN: Mr. Miller, I've just noticed that I never asked you to sign your $1,000,000 life insurance policy, but if you'll initial right here you'll be all set and...uh-oh...
SOME GUY FROM THE FUTURE: The Chosen One has died! The prophecy will never come to pass, and the eight-headed fifteen-horned beast will devour all of mankind! Run!
PARIS HILTON: I was just elected President! That's hot.
Do you want this to happen? I'm pretty sure you don't. That's why, Earthling Publications is having their first-ever Please Help Me Not Have To Haul All Of This Crap To The New Office sale!
If you order two or more currently-available books (excluding THE UNBLEMISHED by Conrad Williams and any lettered editions) between now and 11:59 PM on Saturday the 9th, you will receive 50% off your total order!
You could get a hardcover copy of PRESSURE for $12.50! That's just plain wacky! Why not make Earthling your one-stop shopping place this holiday season and order copies of PRESSURE for all of your friends and loved ones? They'll think you spent $25! It's like getting double the credit for the quality of your gift.
You can also pick up many other fine Earthling titles, including titles by the awesome James Newman, the awesome Erik Tomblin, the awesome Brian Hodge, the awesome Brian Knight, the awesome Gary Braunbeck, the awesome Dan Simmons, the awesome Jeffrey Thomas, and gobs of other awesome writers. Or you can just order a bunch of copies of PRESSURE. Your call.
To see the book selection, head on over to:
http://www.earthlingpub.com/books.htm
However, don't order from the website. Instead, send the list of titles you want (example: "PRESSURE - 18 copies") to earthlingpub@yahoo.com and they'll send you a quote.
Remember, this offer ends one minute before midnight on Saturday, December 9th.
Stock up, baby.
posted by Jeff Strand at 7:21 PM
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