Be There!!!

Andrew Mayhem Book 3.5

So, I talked about it while it was being written, then I shut up about it after it was sold, and then I occasionally mentioned it in sort of a vague coy "tee hee I'm such a naughty secret keeper" manner, but now I can officially announce the return of Andrew Mayhem in...SUCKERS, a novelette co-written with J.A. Konrath!

In this adventure, written in alternating first person points of view, "He Said / He Said" style, Andrew Mayhem teams up with Harry McGlade, who co-stars in the Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels comedy/thriller series, available in bookstore everywhere, even the really lame ones. (Especially the really lame ones!) You can learn way more than anybody should know about my co-author at http://www.jakonrath.com. A quick visit to his website will show that he's really slumming with this project.

It's going to be published by none other than Delirium Books, as part of their hardcover chapbook series! So it will be an adorable little book that you can slip into your pocket in case you need an emergency Mayhem/McGlade fix. If you only need an emergency Mayhem fix, you can read the odd-numbered chapters.

"But when? When???" you ask. April 2008, kiddies! Delirium no longer has those lengthy pre-order periods, so it won't be OFFICIALLY announced until right before it's ready to ship, and that's when I'll start blabbing about the plot and begging you to part with your disposable income. Keep watching this space.

E-Mail of the Day

I got a kick out this e-mail I received today, and am sharing it here with permission.


Hi Mr. Strand,

I few weeks ago I stumbled upon a few of your books. I don't usually read horror novels (my taste runs to comedy, thrillers, and romance). So I looked up your website. Your bio was written in such a humorous manner that I decided to read your books after all (I think I even left a comment in that regards).

I decided to read the three Andrew Mayhem books (Graverobbers, Single Psychopath, & Used Casket). I enjoyed the first book. You have a nice writing style and I appreciated the humor.

The second book freaked me out. The only other time I've felt that bad was when I watched the movie Hostel. The part that specifically freaked me out was when Andrew [Spoiler Removed].

I was so freaked out by the second book that I was really debating about reading the third book. But I'm a bookworm and hoped that your third book wouldn't be as gross. When Andrew declines the woman's offer to deliver her suitcase and instead goes on vacation, I thought, how bad could this possibly get? Boy was I wrong. The worst part was when [Spoiler Removed]. I probably shouldn't have read that book late at night before going to bed. I'm afraid of getting nightmares now (which is why I'm composing this letter instead).

I can certainly see why you had had troubling getting your manuscripts published. You are a talented writer, but it really gave me the creeps (and also made me paranoid, I doubt I will ever want to go camping again). On the plus side, the novels will make for excellent horror movies.

So while I doubt I'll read any of your other books, I do want compliment on your talent as a writer. If you end up writing a much lighter piece (i.e. no gore, no psychopaths), please let me know so I can get a copy.

Sincerely,
Rokusan

Benjamin's Parasite - Sneak Peek

Get a sample chapter from my upcoming horror/comedy novel right here:

http://www.horror-mall.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=1146

Diary of the Dead

Most of the horror movies I really want to see (Teeth being the most recent example) don't play in a theatre anywhere near me. And I didn't think George Romero's Diary of the Dead would be playing anywhere closer than a five-hour drive...but, joy of joys, it was playing at the Universal Citywalk, an hour and a half away.

In addition to the drive, the Universal Citywalk (basically, restaurants, shops, and a movie theatre sandwiched between the two Universal Studios theme parks) charges $11 for parking. And the movie tickets were $7.25 for a matinee. Worst of all, because we got there early, I was forced to look around in Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville for a while, a place that used to be kind of cool when there were only a couple of them but now has all the street cred of a Hot Topic store.

Diary of the Dead itself? Thoroughly mediocre.

It's a pseudo-documentary like The Blair Witch Project or Cloverfield, but is never remotely convincing in that regard, thanks to bad acting and worse dialogue. It has some suspenseful moments, but the social commentary--always part of Romero's work--is in your face, all over the map, and never really successfully hits any of its targets.

It's worth seeing, but not if you have to drive 90 minutes each way and pay $11 for parking.

Night of the Living Idiots

Last night I went to see the original B&W Night of the Living Dead in a theatre. Ooooooh, I was psyched! Night of the Living Dead! In a theatre! Dude!

Tragically, the audience decided to treat the experience as an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This didn't offend me on a film geeky "This is a classic motion picture! Show your respect, you unkempt ruffians!" level (okay, it did a little) but more on the level that one should not shout comments out at the screen unless they are funny, clever, and/or perceptive. Blurting out whatever random thoughts pop into one's brain, when these thoughts are not of a quality that necessitate them being shared with other people, just annoys the hell out of innocent filmgoers like myself who were really looking forward to seeing the original Night of the Living Dead on the big screen.

To be fair, it was a double-feature with The Rocky Horror Picture Show, so I probably should've seen that coming...

If you're within, oh, about twenty-eight hours of the Tampa area, you'll want to check out the 45th Anniversary Screening of Blood Feast, featuring a one-hour reception with filmmakers Herschell Gordon Lewis and David F. Friedman, and a Q&A afterwards. It's Saturday, March 1st, starting at 8:00 PM, and also includes a screening of 100 Tears, a psycho killer clown movie. A nurse will be on duty to treat the cowardly and faint of heart, so rest assured that they have your well-being in mind.

I've seen Blood Feast in a theatre before, at the Sarasota Film Fest where host Joe Bob Briggs was subjected to the most idiotic questions imaginable, but this sounds way too cool to pass up. So I'll be there. Will YOU....?

http://gasparilla2008.bside.com/2008/?_view=_filmdetails&filmId=48638000

Grandpa Joe Sucks

Last night, while doing some proofreading, I watched the Charlie Brown Valentine's Day special. Alas, the special didn't answer the biggest lingering question about the Peanuts gang: Why does Linus have a deformed head? Is it a birth defect? Was he dropped on his head? Did Lucy kick him?

I also watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which retains the same huge flaw as the book and the original movie: That Charlie takes Grandpa Joe (one of the legendary slackers in cinema history) to the factory instead of his hard working parents. Grandpa Joe, Mr. "Oh, I must lay in bed all day for I am so very elderly and weak...oh, wait, chocolate factory?...look, I can walk again!" During the tour, he never even gets winded.

In the new version, the odious Grandpa Joe tells Charlie about how he used to work at the chocolate factory. Keep in mind that Charlie is so obsessed with the factory that he has very slowly built a replica of it out of discarded toothpaste caps, and his birthday present each year is a single bar of Willy Wonka's chocolate. Grandpa Joe is only NOW telling him that he used to work there?

The movie doesn't call him out, but I will: Grandpa Joe is a damned liar. No doubt during those "factory working" years he was pulling a con on some other family. Sadly, despite the myriad death traps that claim the children during the tour, Grandpa Joe survives and no doubt plops his ass right back in bed, living out his remaining years with Oompa-Loompahs giving him sponge baths and feeding him bon-bons.

Well I'll Be Gosh Durned!

THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR won the Reader's Choice Award for Best Small Press Title in the Dark Scribe Awards!

Verify the authenticity of my statement here:

http://www.darkscribemagazine.com/winners/

Boo-yah!!!

It's Super Bowl Time!

Gooooooooooooooooooooo Orioles!!!