Chainsaws! Chainsaws! Chainsaws!

Recently I was accused of having an abundance of chainsaw references in my fiction. I feel that this observation is FALSE, and so join me on a merry tour as I do a search for "chainsaw" in my books...

How to Rescue a Dead Princess: Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it's a fantasy novel...

Elrod McBugle on the Loose: I picked this book second because I was going to go "Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it's a kids' book..." But actually Elrod McBugle, when facing the idea of a fight with the school bully, wonders if he could hide a chainsaw behind his back. So I'm 1 for 2.

Out of Whack: Travis mentions taking a chainsaw to Seth's stereo. Hmmm. I really wasn't expecting to find chainsaw references in my comedies. This could be embarrassing.

Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary): Andrew Mayhem makes a joke about being chased by a lunatic with a chainsaw. Later there's a reference to various prop weapons, including a chainsaw, in the movie studio. Then a reference to juggling chainsaws. Then Andrew asks if anybody has a chainsaw to cut Roger free of The Dismemberment Machine (I forgot about that scene--that was way cool). Then a non-running chainsaw stuck in a corpse. Okay, maybe I have a problem.

Single White Psychopath Seeks Same: This one, of course, starts off with a great big chainsaw scene. Then there's a chainsaw in the operating room where really scary stuff happens. But that's it.

Casket For Sale (Only Used Once): In the big exciting finale, a corpse has been outfitted with a chainsaw arm. Son of a bitch...

Pressure: A reference to juggling chainsaws. My second reference to juggling chainsaws, for those keeping count. Also a reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but that's pushing it.

The Haunted Forest Tour: Another reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but in a completely different context than in Pressure. Then a whole bunch of chainsaw references as some folks go to work against the rapidly growing forest, but I'm pretty sure Jim Moore wrote that scene.

Suckers: One of the bad guys uses a chainsaw, and in fact is named Crazy Chainsaw Goon, but J.A. Konrath definitely wrote that part.

Gleefully Macabre Tales: This book was mentioned as being particularly chainsaw-obsessed, so let's see...an early reference to a chainsaw in "Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic," followed by several more as the aspiring killer decides that a chainsaw is a bad idea. Then a chainsaw is a key plot point in "BrainBugs." And that's it. So thirty-two of the stories in this book DON'T contain chainsaws.

Disposal: Frank suggests that they decapitate the body-that-won't-die with a chainsaw, followed by a discussion of the purchase price and availability of a chainsaw.

The Sinister Mr. Corpse: Stanley Dabernath, in his pre-zombie film distributor life, owns the rights to a movie called Put Down That Chainsaw, I'm Not Made of Wood. I'd go see that.

So, How to Rescue a Dead Princess is the only one of my published books not to contain the word "chainsaw." Let's look at some upcoming titles...

Benjamin's Parasite: Benjamin, a high school teacher, has marked up an essay with so much red ink that it looks like a killer has chainsawed a few victims in the vicinity. Later, there's a dialogue exchange that includes the line "Chainsaw?" Then somebody is described as snoring like an orchestra of chainsaws.

The Severed Nose: None!!! Ha!!!

Okay. Well. This has been an eye-opening experience. I think it's time to start writing about meat cleavers...

Don't Forget - Deep Carnivale Today!

If you're in the Florida-ish area, be sure to stop by for this free Celebration of Words!

I'll be reading from Pressure from 1:30 to 2:00 PM, at the Cuban Club in Ybor City, and signing books and stuff right after that.

Check it out at http://www.deepcarnivale.com.

Deep Carnivale Tomorrow

If you're planning to hang around Florida on Saturday, September 27th, come on over to Deep Carnivale: A Celebration of Words. It's a totally FREE event in Tampa, Florida (The Cuban Club in Ybor City, to be specific; "that one really cool club; I forget the name" to be vague). There'll be authors, musicians, art, events for the kiddies, and all kinds of stuff.

It runs from 10:00 AM to 5:00 PM. I'll be there the whole time, but my official reading is from 1:30 to 2:00 PM. Though Deep Carnivale is a family-friendly event, I'll be reading on the Mature Audiences Only stage in the Cuban Club basement. Beware!!!

For much more information on the event, check out http://www.deepcarnivale.com

Poll Closed (And Picture Deleted!)

Thanks to everybody who voted in my "Jeff as a Blond" poll. The results were heavily on the "Uh, no" side, which mirrored the responses in real life. My initial reaction was "Well, that's not quite as ridiculous as I would've expected," but after we did the second dose to eliminate the orange streaks, that reaction transformed into "GAAAHHHH!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?"

My hair is black now. I'd post a picture, but this isn't supposed to be a fashion blog.

Meanwhile, don't forget that my short story "Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine" is available for free on my website. Just click the "Free Story" link at http://www.jeffstrand.com.

Blood Lite Review

There's a review of Blood Lite (which comes out next month) at Tez Says.

http://tezmilleroz.wordpress.com/2008/09/20/review-blood-lite-kevin-j-anderson-ed/

The review goes through the anthology story by story, praising some, un-praising others, and has the following to say about my own contribution, "The Bell...From HELL!!!" which I am quoting here in its entirety:

"Yes, the title's really written like that."

I think that, deep inside, all authors aspire to touch their readers in such a way that their reaction is to confirm punctuation and capitalization.

Reminder!

The Horror-Mall Three-For-The-Price-Of-Two paperback sale runs through Monday night. How to Rescue a Dead Princess is now out-of-stock, but my other paperbacks are still available. At this price, they only have to be 2/3rds as good as a regular book to make it worth the money, so order now!

http://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

Thanks to everybody who voted in my "Jeff as a Blond" poll. Thus far the results are very much in favor of "No, you look like a frickin' idiot." I've left my own opinion out so as not to sway the votes, and the poll remains open at my website...

http://www.jeffstrand.com

Meanwhile, having returned to the wonderful world of screenwriting with a very short script of my very short story "Really, Really Ferocious," (if any filmmakers out there are looking for a Dachshund-themed dark comedy, let me know), I'm now a quarter of the way into a feature-length screenplay for Disposal. It's moving along pretty darn well so far. Will it continue this way, or will my next update be a primal scream of frustration? Stay tuned!

I'm a Blond Now...

Seriously.

To see the results of the bleaching process and participate in the official "Yes or No" poll, head on over to www.jeffstrand.com.

3-Fer-2 Paperback Sale at The Horror Mall!

The Horror Mall is currently running a "Buy Two, Get One Free" special on all of their in-stock paperbacks. As I'm typing this, in-stock paperbacks include Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, Casket For Sale (Only Used Once), Mandibles, How to Rescue a Dead Princess, and Waiting For October. By golly, you could turn it into a "Buy Four, Get Two Free" deal and get the whole set!

This sale only runs through Monday, September 22nd, at 11:59 PM EST, so scamper over to The Horror Mall now! My books are here:

https://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

But you can also buy two paperbacks by other authors, and make mine the free one. I won't weep.

https://www.horror-mall.com/Paperbacks-p-1-c-255.html

Jokes Are Bad

In response to a friend's e-mail, I jokingly replied that my next book was going to be called The Wang Actually Amuses Me.

Of course, this kind of joke is actually how I ended up doing Two Twisted Nuts: A Chapbook of Testicular Terror, so beware!

Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine

...is now available for your FREE reading ecstasy on my website. The story previously appeared in the World Horror Convention 2008 anthology DESOLATE SOULS.

Just to go to www.jeffstrand.com and click on the "Free Story" link at the top. When you're done reading it, click all of the other links, too. Make a day of it.

WARNING: If you don't think you'll enjoy a story called "Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine," you're probably correct.

Gorilla!

My Metal Crypt interview (which I previously referred to as Metal Krypt for some bizarre reason, probably stupidity) was a lot of fun. And it had sound effects.

Last night I saw the The Oak Tree at the Gorilla Theatre. The Oak Tree is a two-actor play, but the twist is that one of the roles is played by a different actor every performance, and the actor doesn't know anything about the show. So basically it goes like this:

ACTOR #1: Lo, this oak tree I see before me doth resemble Fate.

ACTOR #2: [calling offstage] Line!

STAGEHAND [whispering]: "And Fate doth resemble an oak tree."

ACTOR #2: And Fate doth resemble an oak tree.

ACTOR #1: But doth Fate resemble the branch, or the trunk?

ACTOR #2: Ummmm...[calling offstage] Line!

STAGEHAND: Dammit! "It doth resemble the trunk, mostly."

ACTOR #2: It doth resemble the trunk, mostly.

No, actually the play uses a few different methods, from the rehearsed actor (Steve Mountain, who was very, very good) coming right out and telling the other actor "Say ________," to handing the guest actor script excerpts, to feeding the guest actor lines through a wireless earpiece. It's a very interesting experience. I do have to admit to a personal bias against the whole "What is reality...and what is fantasy?" brand of storytelling, and much of the play is about blurring the levels of reality, but it's done extremely well and there's a lot of fascinating stuff in the show.

It runs through September 21st at the Gorilla Theatre in Tampa. http://www.gorillatheatre.com/

Heavy Metal Radio Interview

Tonight, Friday the 12th, I'll be on Metal Krypt, talkin' to Badslayer & Grimm. It'll be LIVE, so if nothing else, you should listen to hear just how badly I choke under pressure.

WARNING TO PARENTS, SENSITIVE PEOPLE, AND THOSE WITH ANY SHRED OF DECENCY WHATSOEVER: The show is completely uncensored, and Badslayer & Grimm make the most of it. You will probably hear the F-word, but you might also hear worse letters. So be warned and keep the kiddies away.

Metal Krypt is on Hard Rock Radio from 6:00 to 8:00 PM EST, although I probably won't show up until 6:45 or so. You can listen to the live audio stream simply by visiting:

http://www.myspace.com/themetalcrypt

Celebrate Deformity!

Today I had a bag of Belly Flops, which are Jelly Belly jelly beans that don't meet the usual high Jelly Belly standards. There were lots of conjoined twins, beans with birthmarks, morbidly obese beans, and beans with leprosy. They were all still delicious.

FZ Interview: The Prequel

Somehow FearZone got the rights to an interview I did last year with Joel Sutherland. The answer to one of the questions is now a total lie, but the part where I talk about Jim Moore remains COMPLETELY accurate. Check it out here:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/second-strand

And if you weren't reading blogs yesterday, here's the link to the first one:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/second-two

Tonight I'm going to see an all-girls roller derby. Hot chicks being violent! Woo-hoo!

FearZone Interview!

A year ago, I was the first author interviewed by FearZone. This caused pundits to predict that FearZone would crash and burn within "two, three weeks--maybe four if they start posting nekkid scream queen pics." However, this turned out not to be the case, and FearZone remains alive and thriving to this very day.

And on this very day, to celebrate their one-year anniversary, FearZone has conducted a second interview with me, even more SHOCKING and AMAZING than the first. You'll GASP at the shocking revelations. You'll SCREECH at the sheer cleverness of my answers. You'll NEED A FEW MOMENTS OF PRIVACY after gazing upon my alluring author photo.

Okay, there's no author photo (for once, Greg at FearZone showed mercy). But it's a good interview. Check it out here:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/second-two