The Mystery Voice Revealed!!!
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS BLOG...
Jeff Strand, author, was kidnapped by members of the fearsome Mumblecrust organization. For several days their reprehensible leader posted on Jeff's blog in a most unkind manner with a questionable choice of font color. Finally, Jeff made a dramatic escape...but Mumblecrust had sabotaged the publication of his short story collection Gleefully Macabre Tales and stolen the master CD with the only copy of the manuscript! Those bastards!
Vowing that his loyal readers would not be forced to wallow in self-pity, Jeff set off to retrieve his book. He visited the home of Herman Dorkins, and with the help of his wisest readers he poked a great big hole in Herman's claims of innocence--and shot him in self-defense. Then he shot him a few more times in cold blood. Jeff then went after the evil Rupert Munch, who also perished at the end of the encounter. Was Jeff becoming the kind of murderous fiend he despised so much...?
Jeff flew to Tokyo using his Delirium Books expense account and visited the Sect of the Wriggling Serpent, to confront Jennifer Grissom. Much saucy naughtiness ensued, but thanks again to his clever readers, Jeff survived the encounter and returned home to confront Mumblecrust's leader, Tiberius Grinchdirt, which, in retrospect, would've been a much better place to START the investigation. The evil Tiberius revealed that he had Gleefully Macabre Tales, but also an army of the undead to unleash upon the unsuspecting populace! Jeff foolishly decided to forego the assistance of his loyal readers, and gave the wrong answer to Tiberius' baffling logic puzzle.
All seems lost for Jeff and his upcoming collection...but, hark, a surprise visitor has arrived!
JEFF / TIBERIUS: It's...YOU!!!
MICHAEL McBRIDE: Hello, Jeff. Hello, Tiberius.
JEFF: Michael McBride! You're the author of Chronicles of the Apocalypse: Species, God's End, and The Infected!
MICHAEL: Also Zero.
JEFF: Right. Also Zero. That was a good one.
MICHAEL: And Blood Wish.
JEFF: Not really necessary to share your entire bibliography, Mike.
MICHAEL: I'm here to help you. You have done terrible, terrible things on your journey. You have taken human lives. You have shamelessly bumped message board threads. You have immersed yourself so deeply into this quest that you didn't even blog about the season premiere of Survivor: China.
JEFF: Man, that blonde chick with the eye makeup is a bee-yotch, isn't she?
MICHAEL: Nor did you blog about Kid Nation.
JEFF: Don't f***ing tell people I watched Kid Nation! What's the matter with you???
MICHAEL: You've become somebody else, Jeff. Whatever happened to that lovable scamp who didn't have a psychotic glow in his eyes? Whatever happened to the Jeff Strand who didn't have bloodstains on his jeans? We used to be able to carry on a conversation without you screaming "I'll kill Mumblecrust! I'll kill 'em! Kill 'em kill 'em kill 'em kiiiiiiiiilllllllll them!!!" I miss those days.
JEFF: I...I miss them too.
MICHAEL: Then bring them back! Gleefully Macabre Tales isn't everything! I mean, no offense, but it's certainly no 20th Century Ghosts.
JEFF: So you're saying that it doesn't really matter if nobody ever gets to read it?
MICHAEL: It matters a little bit, but was it really worth stabbing that guy to death? Can you truly look into my eyes and tell me that this is a book worth killing for?
JEFF: I guess not. Did you kill anybody for Chronicles of the Apocalypse?
MICHAEL: Oh, hell yeah. For Chronicles of the Apocalypse I drove a bus filled with orphaned schoolchildren and puppies off a cliff. But apples and oranges, man. Apples and oranges.
JEFF: You're right. I've taken this too far. I'm going to go home, forget about Gleefully Macabre Tales, and start on Pressure II.
MICHAEL: Now, now, now...what have we forgotten?
JEFF: Dunno.
MICHAEL: Think.
JEFF: Um....the zombies?
MICHAEL: That's right.
JEFF: I've only got a push-pin.
MICHAEL: In the hands of a brave man, even the smallest weapon can kill a zombie. Let's go!
[Jeff and Michael run from zombie to zombie, poking them in the head with the push-pin. There's one scary moment where Jeff is almost bit, but Michael pokes the zombie in the nick of time. Zombie after zombie after zombie after zombie fall re-dead to the ground.]
JEFF: Only one zombie remains, but it's the KING zombie, and it will require all of our might and--
MICHAEL: Got 'im.
JEFF: Cool.
TIBERIUS: Curse you, Michael McBride and sidekick! You may have defeated my zombie army, but you'll never find Gleefully Macabre Tales!
JEFF: That's okay, Tiberius Grinchdirt. Because I've learned from my experience. It's just a book. The world will be fine without it.
[Jeff and Michael start to walk off into the sunset.]
JEFF: And so, loyal blog readers, the Mumblecrust saga ends. Though I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the world will never read my short story collection, I know, deep inside, that my humanity is more important than any--
[A gunshot. Michael cries out and drops to the ground.]
TIBERIUS: Hahahahaha!
[Tiberius has a gun in one hand and a CD in the other.]
TIBERIUS: You'll never catch me, Strand!
[Tiberius jumps into a blue 1985 Plymouth Caravelle and speeds off. Jeff crouches down next to his friend.]
JEFF: Michael!
MICHAEL: I'm so cold...so cold...
JEFF: You're gonna be fine, buddy! You'll make it! I promise!
[Michael coughs and shakes his head.]
MICHAEL: It's too late for me. Promise me...promise me that you'll take care of my children...
JEFF [in tears]: I will. I swear I will.
MICHAEL: ...make sure all four of them go to a good college....
JEFF: Four of them? Crap.
[Michael takes out a piece of paper and presses it into Jeff's hand.]
MICHAEL: ...here's their Christmas list...
JEFF: You can't die! You just can't!
MICHAEL: ...promise me one more thing...you'll KILL that bastard...
JEFF: I will! I promise!
MICHAEL: ...you must avenge me...and the best way to do so is to stop at nothing to ensure that Gleefully Macabre Tales goes up for pre-order as scheduled, and that it sells out ASAP!
JEFF: I swear it!
MICHAEL: ...go Colorado Avalanche...
[Michael McBride dies, quadrupling the value of his limited edition novels.]
JEFF: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[He wipes tears from his eyes, then angrily looks off in the direction that Tiberius drove away.]
JEFF: Ladies and gentleman, it's bloodshed time!
To be continued...
Jeff Strand, author, was kidnapped by members of the fearsome Mumblecrust organization. For several days their reprehensible leader posted on Jeff's blog in a most unkind manner with a questionable choice of font color. Finally, Jeff made a dramatic escape...but Mumblecrust had sabotaged the publication of his short story collection Gleefully Macabre Tales and stolen the master CD with the only copy of the manuscript! Those bastards!
Vowing that his loyal readers would not be forced to wallow in self-pity, Jeff set off to retrieve his book. He visited the home of Herman Dorkins, and with the help of his wisest readers he poked a great big hole in Herman's claims of innocence--and shot him in self-defense. Then he shot him a few more times in cold blood. Jeff then went after the evil Rupert Munch, who also perished at the end of the encounter. Was Jeff becoming the kind of murderous fiend he despised so much...?
Jeff flew to Tokyo using his Delirium Books expense account and visited the Sect of the Wriggling Serpent, to confront Jennifer Grissom. Much saucy naughtiness ensued, but thanks again to his clever readers, Jeff survived the encounter and returned home to confront Mumblecrust's leader, Tiberius Grinchdirt, which, in retrospect, would've been a much better place to START the investigation. The evil Tiberius revealed that he had Gleefully Macabre Tales, but also an army of the undead to unleash upon the unsuspecting populace! Jeff foolishly decided to forego the assistance of his loyal readers, and gave the wrong answer to Tiberius' baffling logic puzzle.
All seems lost for Jeff and his upcoming collection...but, hark, a surprise visitor has arrived!
JEFF / TIBERIUS: It's...YOU!!!
MICHAEL McBRIDE: Hello, Jeff. Hello, Tiberius.
JEFF: Michael McBride! You're the author of Chronicles of the Apocalypse: Species, God's End, and The Infected!
MICHAEL: Also Zero.
JEFF: Right. Also Zero. That was a good one.
MICHAEL: And Blood Wish.
JEFF: Not really necessary to share your entire bibliography, Mike.
MICHAEL: I'm here to help you. You have done terrible, terrible things on your journey. You have taken human lives. You have shamelessly bumped message board threads. You have immersed yourself so deeply into this quest that you didn't even blog about the season premiere of Survivor: China.
JEFF: Man, that blonde chick with the eye makeup is a bee-yotch, isn't she?
MICHAEL: Nor did you blog about Kid Nation.
JEFF: Don't f***ing tell people I watched Kid Nation! What's the matter with you???
MICHAEL: You've become somebody else, Jeff. Whatever happened to that lovable scamp who didn't have a psychotic glow in his eyes? Whatever happened to the Jeff Strand who didn't have bloodstains on his jeans? We used to be able to carry on a conversation without you screaming "I'll kill Mumblecrust! I'll kill 'em! Kill 'em kill 'em kill 'em kiiiiiiiiilllllllll them!!!" I miss those days.
JEFF: I...I miss them too.
MICHAEL: Then bring them back! Gleefully Macabre Tales isn't everything! I mean, no offense, but it's certainly no 20th Century Ghosts.
JEFF: So you're saying that it doesn't really matter if nobody ever gets to read it?
MICHAEL: It matters a little bit, but was it really worth stabbing that guy to death? Can you truly look into my eyes and tell me that this is a book worth killing for?
JEFF: I guess not. Did you kill anybody for Chronicles of the Apocalypse?
MICHAEL: Oh, hell yeah. For Chronicles of the Apocalypse I drove a bus filled with orphaned schoolchildren and puppies off a cliff. But apples and oranges, man. Apples and oranges.
JEFF: You're right. I've taken this too far. I'm going to go home, forget about Gleefully Macabre Tales, and start on Pressure II.
MICHAEL: Now, now, now...what have we forgotten?
JEFF: Dunno.
MICHAEL: Think.
JEFF: Um....the zombies?
MICHAEL: That's right.
JEFF: I've only got a push-pin.
MICHAEL: In the hands of a brave man, even the smallest weapon can kill a zombie. Let's go!
[Jeff and Michael run from zombie to zombie, poking them in the head with the push-pin. There's one scary moment where Jeff is almost bit, but Michael pokes the zombie in the nick of time. Zombie after zombie after zombie after zombie fall re-dead to the ground.]
JEFF: Only one zombie remains, but it's the KING zombie, and it will require all of our might and--
MICHAEL: Got 'im.
JEFF: Cool.
TIBERIUS: Curse you, Michael McBride and sidekick! You may have defeated my zombie army, but you'll never find Gleefully Macabre Tales!
JEFF: That's okay, Tiberius Grinchdirt. Because I've learned from my experience. It's just a book. The world will be fine without it.
[Jeff and Michael start to walk off into the sunset.]
JEFF: And so, loyal blog readers, the Mumblecrust saga ends. Though I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the world will never read my short story collection, I know, deep inside, that my humanity is more important than any--
[A gunshot. Michael cries out and drops to the ground.]
TIBERIUS: Hahahahaha!
[Tiberius has a gun in one hand and a CD in the other.]
TIBERIUS: You'll never catch me, Strand!
[Tiberius jumps into a blue 1985 Plymouth Caravelle and speeds off. Jeff crouches down next to his friend.]
JEFF: Michael!
MICHAEL: I'm so cold...so cold...
JEFF: You're gonna be fine, buddy! You'll make it! I promise!
[Michael coughs and shakes his head.]
MICHAEL: It's too late for me. Promise me...promise me that you'll take care of my children...
JEFF [in tears]: I will. I swear I will.
MICHAEL: ...make sure all four of them go to a good college....
JEFF: Four of them? Crap.
[Michael takes out a piece of paper and presses it into Jeff's hand.]
MICHAEL: ...here's their Christmas list...
JEFF: You can't die! You just can't!
MICHAEL: ...promise me one more thing...you'll KILL that bastard...
JEFF: I will! I promise!
MICHAEL: ...you must avenge me...and the best way to do so is to stop at nothing to ensure that Gleefully Macabre Tales goes up for pre-order as scheduled, and that it sells out ASAP!
JEFF: I swear it!
MICHAEL: ...go Colorado Avalanche...
[Michael McBride dies, quadrupling the value of his limited edition novels.]
JEFF: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[He wipes tears from his eyes, then angrily looks off in the direction that Tiberius drove away.]
JEFF: Ladies and gentleman, it's bloodshed time!
To be continued...
posted by Jeff Strand at 9:22 PM
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