I've Escaped!!!
What a weekend. So the scoundrels from Mumblecrust broke into my house, threw me in their car trunk (in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that it was a very comfy trunk), and drove me to their lair. I was locked in a cage and fed nothing but high-starch, high-cholesterol, low-protein foods. I was roughed up every thirty-five minutes. They tried to kill me, but being a writer has given me an extremely high threshold for abuse, and I survived their attempts to end my life.
There were five of them. Fortunately, in any group of kidnappers consisting of three or more individuals, there's always the Nice One Who Doesn't Really Want To Be Part Of It, and I used his kind-hearted nature to my advantage, encouraging him to set me free. We tried to slip out of the house unnoticed, but that didn't work out (I don't wish to play the blame game here, but Mr. Nice was also Mr. Forgot To Set His Cell Phone To Vibrate When His Mom Called At A Most Inopportune Time). Much gunfire was exchanged. We escaped from the house, sped off in his truck, had an exciting chase sequence, and eventually lost our pursuers.
I was in a celebratory mood until my savior revealed that he'd been shot. The wound was mortal. I begged him to let me take him to the hospital, but through gritted teeth he insisted that he didn't want to die in prison. I tearfully said "No! No! You can't die!" and he just gave me a brave smile and said that everything would be all right, this was his destiny, and he didn't fear death. It takes a long frickin' time for somebody to die of a bullet to the earlobe, but eventually he did, and I wept for the loss of my friend and screamed "No!" a lot.
Anyway, I'm back home now. Here's the problem. Mumblecrust hacked into the Delirium Books server and erased the manuscript for Gleefully Macabre Tales. They also erased it from my hard drive. The only existing copy of the book is the one I burned onto a CD...which they stole. Four members of Mumblecrust remain. They all wore facemasks, but through keen observation of their mannerisms I think I know their identities. The police have told me not to be a hero, that they'd arrest them as soon as the necessary paperwork clears, but I know that Gleefully Macabre Tales is too important to you readers for me not to go after it personally.
Rest assured, I will get it back. But I may need your help.
Stay tuned.
There were five of them. Fortunately, in any group of kidnappers consisting of three or more individuals, there's always the Nice One Who Doesn't Really Want To Be Part Of It, and I used his kind-hearted nature to my advantage, encouraging him to set me free. We tried to slip out of the house unnoticed, but that didn't work out (I don't wish to play the blame game here, but Mr. Nice was also Mr. Forgot To Set His Cell Phone To Vibrate When His Mom Called At A Most Inopportune Time). Much gunfire was exchanged. We escaped from the house, sped off in his truck, had an exciting chase sequence, and eventually lost our pursuers.
I was in a celebratory mood until my savior revealed that he'd been shot. The wound was mortal. I begged him to let me take him to the hospital, but through gritted teeth he insisted that he didn't want to die in prison. I tearfully said "No! No! You can't die!" and he just gave me a brave smile and said that everything would be all right, this was his destiny, and he didn't fear death. It takes a long frickin' time for somebody to die of a bullet to the earlobe, but eventually he did, and I wept for the loss of my friend and screamed "No!" a lot.
Anyway, I'm back home now. Here's the problem. Mumblecrust hacked into the Delirium Books server and erased the manuscript for Gleefully Macabre Tales. They also erased it from my hard drive. The only existing copy of the book is the one I burned onto a CD...which they stole. Four members of Mumblecrust remain. They all wore facemasks, but through keen observation of their mannerisms I think I know their identities. The police have told me not to be a hero, that they'd arrest them as soon as the necessary paperwork clears, but I know that Gleefully Macabre Tales is too important to you readers for me not to go after it personally.
Rest assured, I will get it back. But I may need your help.
Stay tuned.
posted by Jeff Strand at 3:25 PM
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