The Gleefully Macabre Mystery, Part IV
The moment had finally arrived. It seemed like years ago that I began this ridiculous promo campaign noble quest to reclaim Gleefully Macabre Tales, but now I stood in front of the door of the leader of Mumblecrust. I had a good feeling about this. Delirium Books would certainly be able to publish Gleefully Macabre Tales in a hardcover limited edition of 250 copies (the same print run as The Sinister Mr. Corpse, and you know how fast those babies went), perhaps in the vicinity of Tuesday, September 25th.
My good feeling vanished as the door opened, and there stood Tiberius Grinchdirt. He stood in his bloodstained lab coat, a drill in his hand, a gleefully macabre grin on his face. I shuddered.
TIBERIUS: Welcome, Mr. Strand. Have you come to reclaim your precious book? Or have you come to gape upon my ghastly experiments?
JEFF: The book one. I can only assume that your ghastly experiments have created grisly abominations and ghoulish abberations unsuitable for viewing by the human eye!
TIBERIUS: Indeed! But you will gape, Mr. Strand, lest I poke you with my drill!
[He waves the drill in a poking fashion. Terrified beyond all reasonable measures, Jeff enters the lab...and gasps.]
JEFF: Oh my gosh...
TIBERIUS: Gosh has nothing to do with this place! I am your gosh now!
JEFF: You've created an army of zombies!
TIBERIUS: I have created oh-so-much more than that! I have indeed created an army of zombies, along the lines of the zombies in George Romero's Night of the Living Dead and its respective sequels! But I have also created an army of the Infected, along the lines of the zombies in 28 Days Later and its respective sequel!
JEFF: Those weren't really zombies. Those were infected people.
TIBERIUS: They were zombies! And I have also created an army of the Possessed, along the lines of the zombies in The Evil Dead and its respective sequels!
JEFF: Again, not really zombies...
TIBERIUS: They're zombies, bitch! Zombies, the Infected, and the Possessed! An army of the undead that will never be stopped!
JEFF: Do they all eat brains?
TIBERIUS: No. The members of my first army of the undead love to eat kidneys.
JEFF: Gross.
TIBERIUS: Yeah, but it's better than spiking somebody's drink and forcing them to wake up in a bathtub of ice with "Call 911" written in lipstick on their chest, don't you think?
JEFF: Sorta. So were Romero-inspired Zombies your first creation?
TIBERIUS: No. I created the Zombie army third.
JEFF: So which army eats brains?
TIBERIUS: None of them. But the Infected eat intestines.
JEFF: Naturally they would. So, Tiberius Grinchdirt, you've created three separate armies of the undead! When do you plan for them to march upon society and devour it?
TIBERIUS: I've got some behavior issues to sort out first. The Possessed and the things that eat hearts despise each other.
JEFF: Can I have Gleefully Macabre Tales back?
TIBERIUS: Isn't that the one with the back-cover copy that sort of sounds like this:
Cemetery Dance magazine says that "No author working today comes close to Jeff Strand's perfect mixture of comedy and terror." Gleefully Macabre Tales compiles his most twisted blends of cringe-worthy horror and ghoulish humor, with a couple of serious pieces thrown in just to mess with you.
This collection includes tales from his three chapbooks (Two Twisted Nuts, Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic, and Funny Stories of Scary Sex) and numerous other stories both popular and obscure, including "Really, Really Ferocious" (the one with the wiener dog), "High Stakes" (the one with the slot machine), "Roasting Weenies by Hellfire" (the one with Satan), "The Bad Candy House" (the one with a very unpleasant old man at Halloween) and "The Socket" (the one with the eyeball socket).
It also includes two of his entries in the World Horror Convention gross-out contest. But you don't want to read them.
So if you're looking to laugh, gasp, gag, or do all three at the same time, making sort of a weird sound that hurts your lungs and elicits odd glances from nearby pedestrians, don't miss Gleefully Macabre Tales!
JEFF: Yes!
TIBERIUS: Then you must prove that you're worthy! I have created three armies! You must tell me which internal organ each of my armies favors for dining purposes, AND you must tell me in which order I created them!
JEFF: Aw, fudge.
TIBERIUS: And if you fail, not only will Gleefully Macabre Tales never see publication...but you're gonna get et by my zombies!
JEFF: I'll get et by nothing today, Tiberius! For I can answer your perplexing question as follows....
To win your last chance at immortality, send your answer to the perplexing question to GleefullyMacabre@gmail.com by 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time on Monday, September 24th.
JEFF: I can't wait that long! I'll answer it now, without the help of my readers! The Flying Monkeys were created eighth and eat pancreases. The Vampire Ninjas were created twelfth and eat uvulas! And Middle Management was created seventeenth and eats souls! Ha!!!
TIBERIUS: That answer is.....WRONG!!!!
JEFF: What? No way. You're just making this up as you go along.
TIBERIUS: You shouldn't have disregarded the input of your fans, Mr. Strand. They are wise, attractive, dead sexxxy, and most generous with their book-purchasing budget. And now, you will pay the price...
DRAMATIC VOICE: Stop!
JEFF / TIBERIUS: It's....YOU!!!
To be continued...
My good feeling vanished as the door opened, and there stood Tiberius Grinchdirt. He stood in his bloodstained lab coat, a drill in his hand, a gleefully macabre grin on his face. I shuddered.
TIBERIUS: Welcome, Mr. Strand. Have you come to reclaim your precious book? Or have you come to gape upon my ghastly experiments?
JEFF: The book one. I can only assume that your ghastly experiments have created grisly abominations and ghoulish abberations unsuitable for viewing by the human eye!
TIBERIUS: Indeed! But you will gape, Mr. Strand, lest I poke you with my drill!
[He waves the drill in a poking fashion. Terrified beyond all reasonable measures, Jeff enters the lab...and gasps.]
JEFF: Oh my gosh...
TIBERIUS: Gosh has nothing to do with this place! I am your gosh now!
JEFF: You've created an army of zombies!
TIBERIUS: I have created oh-so-much more than that! I have indeed created an army of zombies, along the lines of the zombies in George Romero's Night of the Living Dead and its respective sequels! But I have also created an army of the Infected, along the lines of the zombies in 28 Days Later and its respective sequel!
JEFF: Those weren't really zombies. Those were infected people.
TIBERIUS: They were zombies! And I have also created an army of the Possessed, along the lines of the zombies in The Evil Dead and its respective sequels!
JEFF: Again, not really zombies...
TIBERIUS: They're zombies, bitch! Zombies, the Infected, and the Possessed! An army of the undead that will never be stopped!
JEFF: Do they all eat brains?
TIBERIUS: No. The members of my first army of the undead love to eat kidneys.
JEFF: Gross.
TIBERIUS: Yeah, but it's better than spiking somebody's drink and forcing them to wake up in a bathtub of ice with "Call 911" written in lipstick on their chest, don't you think?
JEFF: Sorta. So were Romero-inspired Zombies your first creation?
TIBERIUS: No. I created the Zombie army third.
JEFF: So which army eats brains?
TIBERIUS: None of them. But the Infected eat intestines.
JEFF: Naturally they would. So, Tiberius Grinchdirt, you've created three separate armies of the undead! When do you plan for them to march upon society and devour it?
TIBERIUS: I've got some behavior issues to sort out first. The Possessed and the things that eat hearts despise each other.
JEFF: Can I have Gleefully Macabre Tales back?
TIBERIUS: Isn't that the one with the back-cover copy that sort of sounds like this:
Cemetery Dance magazine says that "No author working today comes close to Jeff Strand's perfect mixture of comedy and terror." Gleefully Macabre Tales compiles his most twisted blends of cringe-worthy horror and ghoulish humor, with a couple of serious pieces thrown in just to mess with you.
This collection includes tales from his three chapbooks (Two Twisted Nuts, Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic, and Funny Stories of Scary Sex) and numerous other stories both popular and obscure, including "Really, Really Ferocious" (the one with the wiener dog), "High Stakes" (the one with the slot machine), "Roasting Weenies by Hellfire" (the one with Satan), "The Bad Candy House" (the one with a very unpleasant old man at Halloween) and "The Socket" (the one with the eyeball socket).
It also includes two of his entries in the World Horror Convention gross-out contest. But you don't want to read them.
So if you're looking to laugh, gasp, gag, or do all three at the same time, making sort of a weird sound that hurts your lungs and elicits odd glances from nearby pedestrians, don't miss Gleefully Macabre Tales!
JEFF: Yes!
TIBERIUS: Then you must prove that you're worthy! I have created three armies! You must tell me which internal organ each of my armies favors for dining purposes, AND you must tell me in which order I created them!
JEFF: Aw, fudge.
TIBERIUS: And if you fail, not only will Gleefully Macabre Tales never see publication...but you're gonna get et by my zombies!
JEFF: I'll get et by nothing today, Tiberius! For I can answer your perplexing question as follows....
To win your last chance at immortality, send your answer to the perplexing question to GleefullyMacabre@gmail.com by 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time on Monday, September 24th.
JEFF: I can't wait that long! I'll answer it now, without the help of my readers! The Flying Monkeys were created eighth and eat pancreases. The Vampire Ninjas were created twelfth and eat uvulas! And Middle Management was created seventeenth and eats souls! Ha!!!
TIBERIUS: That answer is.....WRONG!!!!
JEFF: What? No way. You're just making this up as you go along.
TIBERIUS: You shouldn't have disregarded the input of your fans, Mr. Strand. They are wise, attractive, dead sexxxy, and most generous with their book-purchasing budget. And now, you will pay the price...
DRAMATIC VOICE: Stop!
JEFF / TIBERIUS: It's....YOU!!!
To be continued...
posted by Jeff Strand at 9:43 AM
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