The Gleefully Macabre Mystery, Part III
Tokyo, Japan
I walk the lonely streets of Tokyo, tortured by what I have done. And yet I am oddly serene, as if though my mind wrestles with my previous actions, my heart is at peace.
I seek Jennifer Grissom, leader of the Sect of the Wriggling Serpents. During my time as a prisoner of Mumblecrust, she was the most brutal. I do not relish the idea of shooting or stabbing a chick, but I must do what I must do when I must do it. Hot as she is, she still must pay, and I mentally put on a pair of reverse beer goggles so that her beauty will appear homely and gross to my non-drunken eyes.
I pound upon the iron door of the sect.
VOICE: State the password.
JEFF: "Zork II."
[The door opens. Jeff steps inside and finds himself in a huge circular room, illuminated by torches on the walls. Jennifer Grissom stands near the far wall, surrounded by a dozen of her bodyguards. That babe is smokin', but Jeff casts that thought from his mind.]
JENNY: YOU! I mean, hi, Jeff. I wasn't expecting this overseas visit.
JEFF: I'm sure you weren't. Two of Mumblecrust have fallen. Two remain. You're one of the two. You remain.
JENNY: Ah, yes. But rest assured, scribe, that I will not fall quite as easily.
[She signals to her bodyguards. They all rush forward. Jeff pulls out his silver dagger. They continue to rush forward, which to be honest wasn't what Jeff anticipated when he was fantasizing about this battle during the flight over. He knows that he could beat eight, nine, possibly even ten of them at once...but a dozen? Hell no. He drops the dagger.]
JEFF: Please don't beat me up!
[They fail to listen.]
JENNY: Enough! Well, a little bit more on his right side. Okay, now enough! Take him to the dungeon.
JEFF: The Naughty Dungeon?
JENNY: The Dungeon...OF DEATH!!! Well, technically the Naughty Dungeon...OF DEATH!!! But we're focusing on the "death" part.
[The dungeon. Jeff is chained to the stone wall. His clothes are shredded and his body is covered with red streaks from a severe lashing. Even people who are into that kind of thing wouldn't be into it the way it was done here. Jenny enters the dungeon, wearing a "naughty movie theatre usher" outfit.]
JENNY: Have we broken your spirit yet?
JEFF: Never! But may I register a complaint?
JENNY: Sure.
JEFF: I've been screaming the Safe Word since we started and your men won't stop whipping me. I think "Harder!" was a lousy choice.
JENNY: Duly noted. So I understand that you're trying to re-acquire Gleefully Macabre Tales? Isn't that the collection that contains transcripts of your 2006 and 2007 World Horror Convention Gross-Out Contest entries, with added commentary?
JEFF: Yep.
JENNY: And it also contains the story "Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic," which Horror-Web gave a "solid, hands down, this-is-why-I-love-chapbooks five stars out of five" when it was originally published.
JEFF: Yeppers.
JENNY: And it even includes some never-before-published material, such as "Cap'n Hank's Five Alarm Nuclear Lava Wings," "The Bad Man in the Blue House," and "Secret Message."
JEFF: Yepperooni.
JENNY: It sounds like an outstanding collection. Too bad it will never see print! Hahahahahahahaha!!!
JEFF: You're hot when you cackle maniacally.
JENNY: Enough. Your time on this planet as a non-corpse grows short. Nothing will please me more than to kill you myself...but I will give you one chance to save your life. You must answer this riddle.
JEFF: Aw, crap.
JENNY: I have a pool, it has no water, and in it I can't swim. But Uncle Pete, he dove right in, and sharks devoured him.
JEFF: What are you babbling about?
JENNY: Answer that, and you shall go free! Fail, and you shall go free without your head!
What is Jennifer Grissom babbling about? For more of that hot, sweet immortality that I've been promising, send your answer to GleefullyMacabre@gmail.com before 10:00 AM Eastern Time on Saturday, September 22.
I walk the lonely streets of Tokyo, tortured by what I have done. And yet I am oddly serene, as if though my mind wrestles with my previous actions, my heart is at peace.
I seek Jennifer Grissom, leader of the Sect of the Wriggling Serpents. During my time as a prisoner of Mumblecrust, she was the most brutal. I do not relish the idea of shooting or stabbing a chick, but I must do what I must do when I must do it. Hot as she is, she still must pay, and I mentally put on a pair of reverse beer goggles so that her beauty will appear homely and gross to my non-drunken eyes.
I pound upon the iron door of the sect.
VOICE: State the password.
JEFF: "Zork II."
[The door opens. Jeff steps inside and finds himself in a huge circular room, illuminated by torches on the walls. Jennifer Grissom stands near the far wall, surrounded by a dozen of her bodyguards. That babe is smokin', but Jeff casts that thought from his mind.]
JENNY: YOU! I mean, hi, Jeff. I wasn't expecting this overseas visit.
JEFF: I'm sure you weren't. Two of Mumblecrust have fallen. Two remain. You're one of the two. You remain.
JENNY: Ah, yes. But rest assured, scribe, that I will not fall quite as easily.
[She signals to her bodyguards. They all rush forward. Jeff pulls out his silver dagger. They continue to rush forward, which to be honest wasn't what Jeff anticipated when he was fantasizing about this battle during the flight over. He knows that he could beat eight, nine, possibly even ten of them at once...but a dozen? Hell no. He drops the dagger.]
JEFF: Please don't beat me up!
[They fail to listen.]
JENNY: Enough! Well, a little bit more on his right side. Okay, now enough! Take him to the dungeon.
JEFF: The Naughty Dungeon?
JENNY: The Dungeon...OF DEATH!!! Well, technically the Naughty Dungeon...OF DEATH!!! But we're focusing on the "death" part.
[The dungeon. Jeff is chained to the stone wall. His clothes are shredded and his body is covered with red streaks from a severe lashing. Even people who are into that kind of thing wouldn't be into it the way it was done here. Jenny enters the dungeon, wearing a "naughty movie theatre usher" outfit.]
JENNY: Have we broken your spirit yet?
JEFF: Never! But may I register a complaint?
JENNY: Sure.
JEFF: I've been screaming the Safe Word since we started and your men won't stop whipping me. I think "Harder!" was a lousy choice.
JENNY: Duly noted. So I understand that you're trying to re-acquire Gleefully Macabre Tales? Isn't that the collection that contains transcripts of your 2006 and 2007 World Horror Convention Gross-Out Contest entries, with added commentary?
JEFF: Yep.
JENNY: And it also contains the story "Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic," which Horror-Web gave a "solid, hands down, this-is-why-I-love-chapbooks five stars out of five" when it was originally published.
JEFF: Yeppers.
JENNY: And it even includes some never-before-published material, such as "Cap'n Hank's Five Alarm Nuclear Lava Wings," "The Bad Man in the Blue House," and "Secret Message."
JEFF: Yepperooni.
JENNY: It sounds like an outstanding collection. Too bad it will never see print! Hahahahahahahaha!!!
JEFF: You're hot when you cackle maniacally.
JENNY: Enough. Your time on this planet as a non-corpse grows short. Nothing will please me more than to kill you myself...but I will give you one chance to save your life. You must answer this riddle.
JEFF: Aw, crap.
JENNY: I have a pool, it has no water, and in it I can't swim. But Uncle Pete, he dove right in, and sharks devoured him.
JEFF: What are you babbling about?
JENNY: Answer that, and you shall go free! Fail, and you shall go free without your head!
What is Jennifer Grissom babbling about? For more of that hot, sweet immortality that I've been promising, send your answer to GleefullyMacabre@gmail.com before 10:00 AM Eastern Time on Saturday, September 22.
posted by Jeff Strand at 8:45 PM
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