Exclusive Interview With J.A. Konrath

This afternoon, I had the chance to conduct an exclusive interview with J.A. Konrath, author of the Jack Daniels series (Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, Dirty Martini, Moonshine Slurped From A Mason Jar, etc.) and my co-author for Suckers. This interview was obtained via hidden tape recorder under false pretenses.

STRAND: Hi, Joe! Thanks so much for doing this interview.

KONRATH: No problem at all. The pleasure is all mine.

STRAND: First question: How much of Suckers did you actually write?

KONRATH: About half.

STRAND: The reason I ask is that I'd write a new chapter and send you back the file, and then you'd send it back to me in, like, fifteen minutes, and the manuscript never really seemed to be changed. So, for example, I'd end with "And then there was a knock at the door!" and when I'd get your part back, it would still end with "And then there was a knock at the door!" and the word count would be the same.

KONRATH: Your confusion is understandable. What you don't realize is that a single word can change the entire impact of a piece of fiction. It's the finishing touches that make a work of art truly great.

STRAND: Right, but I actually printed out both versions of the manuscript one time, and I put the pages on top of each other and held them up to a light, and I really didn't see any difference. Also, remember when I asked you to proofread it before we sent it to Delirium Books and you came back and said that it looked fine? I'd purposely stuck a bunch of typos in there to see if you'd notice. I even threw in three chapters from a completely different book, and the last twenty pages were just the word "hippo" repeated over and over.

KONRATH: I noticed that and found it quaint, but I didn't want to stifle your creativity. At least I came up with the title.

STRAND: No, you wanted to call it J.A. Konrath's Guide to Picking Up Spanky-Bottom Babes.

KONRATH: Yeah, well, whose title would have sold more copies?

STRAND: You wanted the cover to be a picture of you getting ready to spank somebody. I wouldn't have bought a copy of that. I asked around, and a bunch of people said that they wouldn't have ordered it, either.

KONRATH: So what are you trying to say?

STRAND: I just can't help but think that you took half the money and half the credit but didn't actually contribute anything to Suckers.

KONRATH: I see. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

[There's a long, uncomfortable pause.]

STRAND: You're a fine writer and a great guy, but in this instance I kind of think that you took advantage of me. That's not what friends do. That's not what you're supposed to be about. Does the inspirational advice on your blog mean nothing to you anymore?

KONRATH: I said I was sorry you felt that way! What do you want me to do, kill myself for being a fraud? Kill myself because my past three novels have been written by ghostwriters that I paid in humiliating ways that didn't involve currency? Fine! I'll just gobble this entire bottle of expired medication! There! Mmmmm! Nummy nummy death!

[J.A. Konrath gradually dies. End of transcript.]


Obviously, this interview turned out to be a rather poor promotional tool, although I expect Joe's tragic death to boost the value of Suckers on the secondary market, if you're into profiting from that kind of thing. If you wish to purchase your own copy, and I know gosh darn well that you do, please visit:

https://www.horror-mall.com/SUCKERS-by-J.A.-Konrath-and-Jeff-Strand-p-17711.html