Convention Report
IMPORTANT NOTE: Though the following blog entry has nothing to do with my new book SUCKERS, which you can order right now at the following handy link, https://www.horror-mall.com/SUCKERS-by-J.A.-Konrath-and-Jeff-Strand-p-17711.html , you'll enjoy it more if you buy a copy. I don't know why. Just one of those weird mysteries of science. You like science, don't you?
Last weekend I went to Portland, Orgeon for the ninth annual EPICon, where I hosted the ninth annual EPPIE awards banquet for the ninth annual time. Before I got there, of course, my usual abysmal luck with flight delays kept me stuck on a plane for three hours in Dallas, where we had to wait for workers to get ice out of the engine...so that we could taxi to the runway to get in line to be de-iced. At one point, the captain said "Ladies and gentlemen, you aren't going to believe this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it..." and I was sure he was about to say "...we've been cleared for takeoff! Ha! Fooled you, suckers!" but, no, he informed us of another delay.
Fantasy author Gloria Oliver was on the same plane, and so we joined forces to figure out the MAX light rail system and get to the hotel. Which was actually very easy, particularly since the EPICon website had provided a series of photographs showing each step, meaning that you'd have to be quite the dullard to screw it up, but I figured that if I DID somehow manage to get lost under these conditions, I wanted to be able to say "It was Gloria's fault! Ridicule her!" In the end, the only problem was that the ticket machine ate my $2.05.
Jet-lagged and barely conscious, I made it to the hotel and still managed to babble my way through some conversations. At least I think I did--the people may have been imaginary.
Highlights...
--A group voyage to Powell's Books, the largest bookstore in the entire frickin' universe. I took pictures of various friends' books on the shelves, which was probably kind of geeky.
--At the end of the luncheon honoring the winners of the New Voices contest, the kids (middle school age) got to sit behind a table and do an impromptu signing of their winning works...and immediately had a longer autographing line than all of mine combined, the bratty little punks...
--Kat Thompson knitted me a little frog doll. It's not often that people present me with gifts of frogs in any form, much less homemade ones, and the frog now resides in a place of honor underneath my print of the cover to THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE.
--Best quote of the entire weekend: "I don't think I want a monkey on my saucebox." I may explain the context in a future blog post, or I may not.
Then, Saturday night, it was time for the EPPIES banquet. A couple of film students taped the entire thing, and once it's edited together EPIC will sell the DVDs at cost, so I'm not going to give away too much, but here are some tidbits...
For the opening joke, instead of my usual tuxedo, I walked into the banquet room in sweatpants, a t-shirt, sandals, and a ballcap on backwards. "My wife couldn't be here this year." After admitting that I was now feeling a little bit uncomfortable with my chosen attire, I asked if anybody would be willing to provide surrogate mother duties...at which point Ginny McBlain came up on stage with my tuxedo and helped me get changed. My directorial suggestion was "just pretend you're helping a bratty kid."
This was one of those high-risk gags that I usually avoid, because if it didn't work...well, you're stuck with five minutes of watching me put on formal wear, a real treat for the audience. It also provided an additional challenge in that not only was there the actual banquet portion beforehand, but AllRomanceEBooks had put together a mucho classy champagne reception, so I couldn't just walk around looking like a ruffian. In terms of total devotion to the joke, my best bet would've been to skip everything and hang out in my hotel room until the awards ceremony began, but then everybody else would get steak and salmon and I'd get Quizno's, so I compromised and wore clothes that looked like they could pass for somebody actually deluding himself into believing he was dressed up, then switched into bum gear and hid until I was introduced.
I hope the film students edit out the mistakes. I referred to EPPIES chair Carol MacLeod as "Karen MacLeod," despite the fact that at no time in my life have I ever thought her name was "Karen," and my written notes said "Carol." You'd almost think I hadn't sent her multiple e-mails offering unsolicited suggestions about the EPPIES process. It was a nice little embarrassing case of brain/mouth disconnect.
Another glitch was the cell phone gag. The joke was that while introducing the Best Romantic Suspense category, my cell phone would go off, and I'd take the call and have a completely pointless conversation, then say "You're breaking up...let me call you back," at which point EPIC President Brenna Lyons' phone would ring, and we'd have a completely pointless conversation, and then I'd ask her if her sister Lisa Brennan-Webb was ready to present the category, and she'd call Lisa (who was sitting right next to her) and ask her to come up on stage.
Brenna was supposed to call me as soon as I started talking, and in a very rare case of not covering for potential screw-ups, I hadn't written anything to fill the time in the instance that it might take FOREVER for my phone to ring after Brenna called. (Keep in mind that I had contingency plans for several possible glitches, including not being able to untie a phony helium balloon at the proper moment, but nothing for this one.) So we got the dreaded "awkward pause" until my phone rang. When Brenna called Lisa, Lisa's phone took so long to ring that we just cut the gag short. To be fair, the whole bit got some pretty big laughs, but we really should've tested it. I mean, c'mon, this was my ninth year!
Still, despite the glitches (and there are always glitches, gosh darn it all to heck!) there were gobs of laughs from the audience throughout the evening and my contribution to the banquet was a great success. (The DVDs may tell a different story, but for now I'll remain happily oblivious.) As always, I wished that more winners were present, and since I talk so damn much throughout the ceremony it's always kind of embarrassing when the winners simply offer up a classy "Thank you!" and depart the stage. We may have to institute a rising/falling cage in the future so that the winners are forced to soak up more of their glory.
COMING SOON: Tonight I'm going to play a cameo role in the film ZOMBOTOMY, where I will play the exciting part of "Vagrant #1" during a chase sequence, although I do not believe that Vagrant #1 is involved in the actual chasing portion of the scene. I think the leads will run past me, and I'll just stand there, looking like a vagrant. However, I'll be bringing along an 18-page monologue just in case the director says "My God! Vagrant #1 is the true hero of this story!"
P.S.: If that happens, you'll really wish you had a copy of SUCKERS...
Last weekend I went to Portland, Orgeon for the ninth annual EPICon, where I hosted the ninth annual EPPIE awards banquet for the ninth annual time. Before I got there, of course, my usual abysmal luck with flight delays kept me stuck on a plane for three hours in Dallas, where we had to wait for workers to get ice out of the engine...so that we could taxi to the runway to get in line to be de-iced. At one point, the captain said "Ladies and gentlemen, you aren't going to believe this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it..." and I was sure he was about to say "...we've been cleared for takeoff! Ha! Fooled you, suckers!" but, no, he informed us of another delay.
Fantasy author Gloria Oliver was on the same plane, and so we joined forces to figure out the MAX light rail system and get to the hotel. Which was actually very easy, particularly since the EPICon website had provided a series of photographs showing each step, meaning that you'd have to be quite the dullard to screw it up, but I figured that if I DID somehow manage to get lost under these conditions, I wanted to be able to say "It was Gloria's fault! Ridicule her!" In the end, the only problem was that the ticket machine ate my $2.05.
Jet-lagged and barely conscious, I made it to the hotel and still managed to babble my way through some conversations. At least I think I did--the people may have been imaginary.
Highlights...
--A group voyage to Powell's Books, the largest bookstore in the entire frickin' universe. I took pictures of various friends' books on the shelves, which was probably kind of geeky.
--At the end of the luncheon honoring the winners of the New Voices contest, the kids (middle school age) got to sit behind a table and do an impromptu signing of their winning works...and immediately had a longer autographing line than all of mine combined, the bratty little punks...
--Kat Thompson knitted me a little frog doll. It's not often that people present me with gifts of frogs in any form, much less homemade ones, and the frog now resides in a place of honor underneath my print of the cover to THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE.
--Best quote of the entire weekend: "I don't think I want a monkey on my saucebox." I may explain the context in a future blog post, or I may not.
Then, Saturday night, it was time for the EPPIES banquet. A couple of film students taped the entire thing, and once it's edited together EPIC will sell the DVDs at cost, so I'm not going to give away too much, but here are some tidbits...
For the opening joke, instead of my usual tuxedo, I walked into the banquet room in sweatpants, a t-shirt, sandals, and a ballcap on backwards. "My wife couldn't be here this year." After admitting that I was now feeling a little bit uncomfortable with my chosen attire, I asked if anybody would be willing to provide surrogate mother duties...at which point Ginny McBlain came up on stage with my tuxedo and helped me get changed. My directorial suggestion was "just pretend you're helping a bratty kid."
This was one of those high-risk gags that I usually avoid, because if it didn't work...well, you're stuck with five minutes of watching me put on formal wear, a real treat for the audience. It also provided an additional challenge in that not only was there the actual banquet portion beforehand, but AllRomanceEBooks had put together a mucho classy champagne reception, so I couldn't just walk around looking like a ruffian. In terms of total devotion to the joke, my best bet would've been to skip everything and hang out in my hotel room until the awards ceremony began, but then everybody else would get steak and salmon and I'd get Quizno's, so I compromised and wore clothes that looked like they could pass for somebody actually deluding himself into believing he was dressed up, then switched into bum gear and hid until I was introduced.
I hope the film students edit out the mistakes. I referred to EPPIES chair Carol MacLeod as "Karen MacLeod," despite the fact that at no time in my life have I ever thought her name was "Karen," and my written notes said "Carol." You'd almost think I hadn't sent her multiple e-mails offering unsolicited suggestions about the EPPIES process. It was a nice little embarrassing case of brain/mouth disconnect.
Another glitch was the cell phone gag. The joke was that while introducing the Best Romantic Suspense category, my cell phone would go off, and I'd take the call and have a completely pointless conversation, then say "You're breaking up...let me call you back," at which point EPIC President Brenna Lyons' phone would ring, and we'd have a completely pointless conversation, and then I'd ask her if her sister Lisa Brennan-Webb was ready to present the category, and she'd call Lisa (who was sitting right next to her) and ask her to come up on stage.
Brenna was supposed to call me as soon as I started talking, and in a very rare case of not covering for potential screw-ups, I hadn't written anything to fill the time in the instance that it might take FOREVER for my phone to ring after Brenna called. (Keep in mind that I had contingency plans for several possible glitches, including not being able to untie a phony helium balloon at the proper moment, but nothing for this one.) So we got the dreaded "awkward pause" until my phone rang. When Brenna called Lisa, Lisa's phone took so long to ring that we just cut the gag short. To be fair, the whole bit got some pretty big laughs, but we really should've tested it. I mean, c'mon, this was my ninth year!
Still, despite the glitches (and there are always glitches, gosh darn it all to heck!) there were gobs of laughs from the audience throughout the evening and my contribution to the banquet was a great success. (The DVDs may tell a different story, but for now I'll remain happily oblivious.) As always, I wished that more winners were present, and since I talk so damn much throughout the ceremony it's always kind of embarrassing when the winners simply offer up a classy "Thank you!" and depart the stage. We may have to institute a rising/falling cage in the future so that the winners are forced to soak up more of their glory.
COMING SOON: Tonight I'm going to play a cameo role in the film ZOMBOTOMY, where I will play the exciting part of "Vagrant #1" during a chase sequence, although I do not believe that Vagrant #1 is involved in the actual chasing portion of the scene. I think the leads will run past me, and I'll just stand there, looking like a vagrant. However, I'll be bringing along an 18-page monologue just in case the director says "My God! Vagrant #1 is the true hero of this story!"
P.S.: If that happens, you'll really wish you had a copy of SUCKERS...
posted by Jeff Strand at 11:19 AM
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