SeriouslyWhacked

The End of the Blog

2008-10-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

In an effort to consolidate things a bit, I'm no longer going to update my blog here (unless there's a massive outcry of distress and hurt feelings). You can check out the continued wackiness directly on my website at http://www.jeffstrand.com.

Chainsaws! Chainsaws! Chainsaws!

2008-09-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

Recently I was accused of having an abundance of chainsaw references in my fiction. I feel that this observation is FALSE, and so join me on a merry tour as I do a search for "chainsaw" in my books...

How to Rescue a Dead Princess: Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it's a fantasy novel...

Elrod McBugle on the Loose: I picked this book second because I was going to go "Not a single chainsaw reference. Ha! Granted, it's a kids' book..." But actually Elrod McBugle, when facing the idea of a fight with the school bully, wonders if he could hide a chainsaw behind his back. So I'm 1 for 2.

Out of Whack: Travis mentions taking a chainsaw to Seth's stereo. Hmmm. I really wasn't expecting to find chainsaw references in my comedies. This could be embarrassing.

Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary): Andrew Mayhem makes a joke about being chased by a lunatic with a chainsaw. Later there's a reference to various prop weapons, including a chainsaw, in the movie studio. Then a reference to juggling chainsaws. Then Andrew asks if anybody has a chainsaw to cut Roger free of The Dismemberment Machine (I forgot about that scene--that was way cool). Then a non-running chainsaw stuck in a corpse. Okay, maybe I have a problem.

Single White Psychopath Seeks Same: This one, of course, starts off with a great big chainsaw scene. Then there's a chainsaw in the operating room where really scary stuff happens. But that's it.

Casket For Sale (Only Used Once): In the big exciting finale, a corpse has been outfitted with a chainsaw arm. Son of a bitch...

Pressure: A reference to juggling chainsaws. My second reference to juggling chainsaws, for those keeping count. Also a reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but that's pushing it.

The Haunted Forest Tour: Another reference to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but in a completely different context than in Pressure. Then a whole bunch of chainsaw references as some folks go to work against the rapidly growing forest, but I'm pretty sure Jim Moore wrote that scene.

Suckers: One of the bad guys uses a chainsaw, and in fact is named Crazy Chainsaw Goon, but J.A. Konrath definitely wrote that part.

Gleefully Macabre Tales: This book was mentioned as being particularly chainsaw-obsessed, so let's see...an early reference to a chainsaw in "Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic," followed by several more as the aspiring killer decides that a chainsaw is a bad idea. Then a chainsaw is a key plot point in "BrainBugs." And that's it. So thirty-two of the stories in this book DON'T contain chainsaws.

Disposal: Frank suggests that they decapitate the body-that-won't-die with a chainsaw, followed by a discussion of the purchase price and availability of a chainsaw.

The Sinister Mr. Corpse: Stanley Dabernath, in his pre-zombie film distributor life, owns the rights to a movie called Put Down That Chainsaw, I'm Not Made of Wood. I'd go see that.

So, How to Rescue a Dead Princess is the only one of my published books not to contain the word "chainsaw." Let's look at some upcoming titles...

Benjamin's Parasite: Benjamin, a high school teacher, has marked up an essay with so much red ink that it looks like a killer has chainsawed a few victims in the vicinity. Later, there's a dialogue exchange that includes the line "Chainsaw?" Then somebody is described as snoring like an orchestra of chainsaws.

The Severed Nose: None!!! Ha!!!

Okay. Well. This has been an eye-opening experience. I think it's time to start writing about meat cleavers...

Don't Forget - Deep Carnivale Today!

2008-09-27T04:11:00.000-07:00

If you're in the Florida-ish area, be sure to stop by for this free Celebration of Words!

I'll be reading from Pressure from 1:30 to 2:00 PM, at the Cuban Club in Ybor City, and signing books and stuff right after that.

Check it out at http://www.deepcarnivale.com.

Deep Carnivale Tomorrow

2008-09-26T06:26:00.001-07:00

If you're planning to hang around Florida on Saturday, September 27th, come on over to Deep Carnivale: A Celebration of Words. It's a totally FREE event in Tampa, Florida (The Cuban Club in Ybor City, to be specific; "that one really cool club; I forget the name" to be vague). There'll be authors, musicians, art, events for the kiddies, and all kinds of stuff.

It runs from 10:00 AM to 5:00 PM. I'll be there the whole time, but my official reading is from 1:30 to 2:00 PM. Though Deep Carnivale is a family-friendly event, I'll be reading on the Mature Audiences Only stage in the Cuban Club basement. Beware!!!

For much more information on the event, check out http://www.deepcarnivale.com

Poll Closed (And Picture Deleted!)

2008-09-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everybody who voted in my "Jeff as a Blond" poll. The results were heavily on the "Uh, no" side, which mirrored the responses in real life. My initial reaction was "Well, that's not quite as ridiculous as I would've expected," but after we did the second dose to eliminate the orange streaks, that reaction transformed into "GAAAHHHH!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?"

My hair is black now. I'd post a picture, but this isn't supposed to be a fashion blog.

Meanwhile, don't forget that my short story "Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine" is available for free on my website. Just click the "Free Story" link at http://www.jeffstrand.com.

Blood Lite Review

2008-09-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

There's a review of Blood Lite (which comes out next month) at Tez Says.

http://tezmilleroz.wordpress.com/2008/09/20/review-blood-lite-kevin-j-anderson-ed/

The review goes through the anthology story by story, praising some, un-praising others, and has the following to say about my own contribution, "The Bell...From HELL!!!" which I am quoting here in its entirety:

"Yes, the title's really written like that."

I think that, deep inside, all authors aspire to touch their readers in such a way that their reaction is to confirm punctuation and capitalization.

Reminder!

2008-09-21T14:07:00.001-07:00

The Horror-Mall Three-For-The-Price-Of-Two paperback sale runs through Monday night. How to Rescue a Dead Princess is now out-of-stock, but my other paperbacks are still available. At this price, they only have to be 2/3rds as good as a regular book to make it worth the money, so order now!

http://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

Thanks to everybody who voted in my "Jeff as a Blond" poll. Thus far the results are very much in favor of "No, you look like a frickin' idiot." I've left my own opinion out so as not to sway the votes, and the poll remains open at my website...

http://www.jeffstrand.com

Meanwhile, having returned to the wonderful world of screenwriting with a very short script of my very short story "Really, Really Ferocious," (if any filmmakers out there are looking for a Dachshund-themed dark comedy, let me know), I'm now a quarter of the way into a feature-length screenplay for Disposal. It's moving along pretty darn well so far. Will it continue this way, or will my next update be a primal scream of frustration? Stay tuned!

I'm a Blond Now...

2008-09-20T11:29:00.001-07:00

Seriously.

To see the results of the bleaching process and participate in the official "Yes or No" poll, head on over to www.jeffstrand.com.

3-Fer-2 Paperback Sale at The Horror Mall!

2008-09-18T17:17:00.001-07:00

The Horror Mall is currently running a "Buy Two, Get One Free" special on all of their in-stock paperbacks. As I'm typing this, in-stock paperbacks include Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, Casket For Sale (Only Used Once), Mandibles, How to Rescue a Dead Princess, and Waiting For October. By golly, you could turn it into a "Buy Four, Get Two Free" deal and get the whole set!

This sale only runs through Monday, September 22nd, at 11:59 PM EST, so scamper over to The Horror Mall now! My books are here:

https://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

But you can also buy two paperbacks by other authors, and make mine the free one. I won't weep.

https://www.horror-mall.com/Paperbacks-p-1-c-255.html

Jokes Are Bad

2008-09-14T16:22:00.001-07:00

In response to a friend's e-mail, I jokingly replied that my next book was going to be called The Wang Actually Amuses Me.

Of course, this kind of joke is actually how I ended up doing Two Twisted Nuts: A Chapbook of Testicular Terror, so beware!

Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine

2008-09-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

...is now available for your FREE reading ecstasy on my website. The story previously appeared in the World Horror Convention 2008 anthology DESOLATE SOULS.

Just to go to www.jeffstrand.com and click on the "Free Story" link at the top. When you're done reading it, click all of the other links, too. Make a day of it.

WARNING: If you don't think you'll enjoy a story called "Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine," you're probably correct.

Gorilla!

2008-09-12T18:47:00.001-07:00

My Metal Crypt interview (which I previously referred to as Metal Krypt for some bizarre reason, probably stupidity) was a lot of fun. And it had sound effects.

Last night I saw the The Oak Tree at the Gorilla Theatre. The Oak Tree is a two-actor play, but the twist is that one of the roles is played by a different actor every performance, and the actor doesn't know anything about the show. So basically it goes like this:

ACTOR #1: Lo, this oak tree I see before me doth resemble Fate.

ACTOR #2: [calling offstage] Line!

STAGEHAND [whispering]: "And Fate doth resemble an oak tree."

ACTOR #2: And Fate doth resemble an oak tree.

ACTOR #1: But doth Fate resemble the branch, or the trunk?

ACTOR #2: Ummmm...[calling offstage] Line!

STAGEHAND: Dammit! "It doth resemble the trunk, mostly."

ACTOR #2: It doth resemble the trunk, mostly.

No, actually the play uses a few different methods, from the rehearsed actor (Steve Mountain, who was very, very good) coming right out and telling the other actor "Say ________," to handing the guest actor script excerpts, to feeding the guest actor lines through a wireless earpiece. It's a very interesting experience. I do have to admit to a personal bias against the whole "What is reality...and what is fantasy?" brand of storytelling, and much of the play is about blurring the levels of reality, but it's done extremely well and there's a lot of fascinating stuff in the show.

It runs through September 21st at the Gorilla Theatre in Tampa. http://www.gorillatheatre.com/

Heavy Metal Radio Interview

2008-09-12T05:42:00.001-07:00

Tonight, Friday the 12th, I'll be on Metal Krypt, talkin' to Badslayer & Grimm. It'll be LIVE, so if nothing else, you should listen to hear just how badly I choke under pressure.

WARNING TO PARENTS, SENSITIVE PEOPLE, AND THOSE WITH ANY SHRED OF DECENCY WHATSOEVER: The show is completely uncensored, and Badslayer & Grimm make the most of it. You will probably hear the F-word, but you might also hear worse letters. So be warned and keep the kiddies away.

Metal Krypt is on Hard Rock Radio from 6:00 to 8:00 PM EST, although I probably won't show up until 6:45 or so. You can listen to the live audio stream simply by visiting:

http://www.myspace.com/themetalcrypt

Celebrate Deformity!

2008-09-07T17:53:00.001-07:00

Today I had a bag of Belly Flops, which are Jelly Belly jelly beans that don't meet the usual high Jelly Belly standards. There were lots of conjoined twins, beans with birthmarks, morbidly obese beans, and beans with leprosy. They were all still delicious.

FZ Interview: The Prequel

2008-09-06T07:02:00.001-07:00

Somehow FearZone got the rights to an interview I did last year with Joel Sutherland. The answer to one of the questions is now a total lie, but the part where I talk about Jim Moore remains COMPLETELY accurate. Check it out here:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/second-strand

And if you weren't reading blogs yesterday, here's the link to the first one:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/second-two

Tonight I'm going to see an all-girls roller derby. Hot chicks being violent! Woo-hoo!

FearZone Interview!

2008-09-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I was the first author interviewed by FearZone. This caused pundits to predict that FearZone would crash and burn within "two, three weeks--maybe four if they start posting nekkid scream queen pics." However, this turned out not to be the case, and FearZone remains alive and thriving to this very day.

And on this very day, to celebrate their one-year anniversary, FearZone has conducted a second interview with me, even more SHOCKING and AMAZING than the first. You'll GASP at the shocking revelations. You'll SCREECH at the sheer cleverness of my answers. You'll NEED A FEW MOMENTS OF PRIVACY after gazing upon my alluring author photo.

Okay, there's no author photo (for once, Greg at FearZone showed mercy). But it's a good interview. Check it out here:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/second-two

Random Updates

2008-08-17T16:21:00.000-07:00

1. "The Kutter Diaries" are on hiatus, because...well, I haven't really done anything with Kutter, except respond to author Michael McBride's sarcastic e-mail congratulating me on my progress. It's not due until December, which is forever away, and so I'm going to ride my bike and play with my friends and not worry about the term paper until the night before.

2. Okay, that's not true. I've been working on other stuff. Just not Kutter.

3. Friday I received my author copy of Bits of the Dead, a collection of zombie-themed flash fiction. It has my story "Immunity," in addition to a LOT more artwork than you'll find in your average anthology. You can get it from The Horror Mall!

4. Suckers was the #1 hardcover bestseller from The Horror Mall for August 1-14. But that's not enough! I want to be the #0 bestseller! Buy your copy here: https://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

5. Yesterday I did a pair of interviews, one for Sci-Fi Times TV (video) and one for The Andromeda Library (just my voice). I don't think I embarrassed myself too badly, although you'll be the judge of that. I think both interviews are a couple of months from being available for your viewing/listening pleasure, but keep gaping at this blog for the links when they're available!

6. For those of you waiting on your Mumblecrust prize--the story has been done for several weeks; I'm just having technical difficulties making the actual chapbook. I suck. But it really, truly, honestly shouldn't be too much longer...

Parasitic News

2008-08-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

My novel Benjamin's Parasite now has an official release date: February 2009.

As with The Sinister Mr. Corpse, Gleefully Macabre Tales, and Suckers, it'll be published by Delirium Books. But you'll be able to get this book as a trade paperback. Everybody can have one!

The Severed Nose

2008-08-07T19:02:00.001-07:00

Hey, kids! I can now reveal that my novelette The Severed Nose will be published by Morning Star, an imprint of Bloodletting Press. It begins like this:

"When you kill people for a living, you get used to finding the occasional body part lying around your home. I do not kill people for a living, and so I freaked."

I don't know when it'll be published, or if it'll have a cut-off nose on the cover. Stay tuned for updates.

A New Interview!

2008-08-06T17:54:00.001-07:00

Travis Heermann, of The Write Line, just posted an interview with me. You should read it. Here's a URL.

http://travisheermann.com/blog/?p=49

The Kutter Diaries, Days Three Through Nine

2008-08-05T17:37:00.001-07:00

Days Three through Seven...

I didn't write a single word of Kutter during my vacation in my mom's Wisconsin cabin. I did, however, float down a river in an innertube for three hours (sunburning the holy heck out of my feet but otherwise having a great time); rode in a paddleboat, canoe, and pontoon; grilled steaks for nine people and didn't screw them up; ate way too much cheese; consumed nary a drop of Mountain Dew; shot very poorly with an air pistol until I realized that it was aiming low and to the right; played Yahtzee, Bocce Ball, and ladder golf; tried unsuccessfully to get fish to fall for my clever ruse wherein a perceived food source was actually a piece of rubber with a hook buried within; took doggies for walkies; and typed this blog entry to the sounds of a screaming child on an airplane.

Days Eight and Nine...

I wrote exactly the same amount as days three through seven, but I wasn't at the Wisconsin cabin.

Will there be actual progress tomorrow? Stay tuned...

The Kutter Diaries, Day One

2008-07-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

Today on this blog, I'm starting...The Kutter Diaries! I promise not to ruin the book for you, but I'm going to post regular updates about my work-in-progress, both on the writing side and the publication side.

Kutter will be a novella, approximately 35,000 words. I have a publisher and a publication date, along with an amusing story about how it sold, but I'm not allowed to blab about that yet. My deadline is December. The plan is to get Kutter done ridiculously early, but we'll see how well that works out. (Technically, it's due "by December," so we'll say 11:59 PM on Sunday, November 30th.)

For the purposes of this diary, I'm going to count today as the first official day of writing, even though I'd previously written a whopping 150 or so words, which I mostly rewrote today anyway. As with many of my projects, I know how the book ends, and I have a few key moments planned out, but much of the story remains a mystery. I've also written up a draft of the back-cover blurb, at the request of the publisher. So there's already a solid framework in place. But will it last...?

I don't do character sketches in advance beyond very broad strokes, so the first day of writing was mostly about a) developing the main character and b) refining the tone. I say "refine" because I already knew the overall tone...it's a dark comedy, but not over-the-top. It's not a laugh-a-minute, and in fact, there's very little genuine humor in what I wrote today. This is a much different approach than Benjamin's Parasite and a recently completed novelette, which are big, wacky horror/comedies.

Today's word count and total so far: 1211.

Elrod Review

2008-07-21T15:58:00.001-07:00

I flew back from NECon last night. Details are forthcoming--at least those I'm authorized to share, which aren't many.

In the meantime, here's a review of my book for kids (and adults who were warped as kids) Elrod McBugle on the Loose.

http://dearauthor.com/wordpress/2008/07/19/review-elrod-mcbugle-on-the-loose-by-jeff-strand/

Great Big PRESSURE Announcement

2008-07-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

A lot of you have said "Dude, these hardcover limited editions are swell and all, but when are you going to have a book out there that retails for, say, $7.99 plus sales tax? And that I can easily find at my local bookstore, airport, or grocery store?"

To which I've always replied "STOP RUSHING ME!!! I'M TRYING MY FRICKIN' BEST--WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, GET A MASS MARKET DEAL AT GUNPOINT???"

It turns out, that worked pretty well. Should've done that sooner. So I'm pleased to announce that my Bram Stoker Award-losing novel Pressure will be published in paperback next summer by Leisure Books, an imprint of Dorchester Publishing!

Yeah, you have to wait about a year. Anticipation builds character. Or you can grab one of the last remaining hardcover copies (there aren't many left, and when they're gone, they're gone!) from Earthling Publications right here:

http://www.earthlingpub.com/js_pressure.htm

Treasure Trove For Writers

2008-07-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

While my blog is nothing but promo and tomfoolery, J.A. Konrath, my co-author for the awesome book Suckers, fills his blog with useful advice for writers. He has compiled all of his wisdom into a FREE 751-page e-book. My compiled wisdom would fill maybe 2-3 pages, tops, and there'd be a lot of errors, so you can clearly see that this is the must-download event of the century.

You don't have to read all 751 pages. It has a handy table of contents so you can easily find what most interests you. But odds are you'll look up and it'll be 4:30 AM and you'll think "Wowie-zowie! I can't believe I read all 751 pages! Now I'm unemployed! But armed with Mr. Konrath's helpful advice, I can start a new career as a successful author!"

http://www.jakonrath.com/TheNewbiesGuideToPublishingBook.pdf

For The Love of Benji's Parasite

2008-07-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Minutes ago (or years ago, if you're behind on your blog reading) I turned in a brand-new novelette. I'm not going to blab much about it now, except to say that, yes, it's another pitch-black comedy, and it's a publisher I haven't worked with before. More news later.

And this past Saturday I turned in Benjamin's Parasite, my next horror/comedy novel for Delirium Books. It won't be published anytime soon, and Delirium Books no longer has those lengthy pre-order periods (as with The Sinister Mr. Corpse and Gleefully Macabre Tales, where the books went up for pre-order six months before publication) so you probably won't hear much about it for a while. But the idea was to combine ghastly "body horror" with a goofy chase comedy...and, hey, that's exactly how the book ended up!

I'm pretty sure it's my most twisted and over-the-top novel thus far. The mighty Tod Clark, who I believe has read every one of my books, helped me with the proofreading and said "Benjamin's Parasite kicked major ass! I really think it is the best book you have written to date."

Now I have to get caught up on other people's books that I promised to read...

Yak Report

2008-07-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well, last night I was a guest on Lair of the Yak. Not only did I get to field questions from a guy in a monkey mask, but I got to field questions from a guy in a monkey mask pretending to be Andrew "Dice" Clay. I bet you didn't get to do that last night. The same guy, who I will now expose as author L.L.Soares (Ha!!! Confidentiality agreement violated, baby!), also wore a Mr. T mask.

Tangent: Andrew "Dice" Clay did a show here in Tampa just last week. I didn't go.

I'm not big on the whole webcam thing--it's actually kind of spooky staring into that dark mechanical eye that looks suspiciously like a laser beam might shoot out of it if I fail to obey the prime directive--but now that I've got it all set up, I may do a live show where I sit at my desk and write my next book. Typing! Staring! Muttering in frustration! The occasional sip of a carbonated beverage! Cursing and deleting the past few sentences! It'll be pure online gold!

Live Webcam Show Tonight

2008-07-05T07:05:00.001-07:00

Nope, my blog didn't get spammed, and I haven't changed careers. Tonight (Saturday the 5th) I'll be appearing LIVE on Lair of the Yak, starting at 9:00 PM Eastern Standard Time and running as late as 11:00. The weekly show is hosted by Nick Cato and co-hosted by a guy in a monkey mask. You've been warned.

Now I need to figure out how to work this webcam...

http://www.blogstar.com/shows/154/episodes/2918

Way Cool Tampa Tribune Article

2008-07-04T09:07:00.001-07:00

The Friday Extra in today's Tampa Tribune features a cover story about "Following Their Dreams: An artist, a novelist, a musician, and two filmmakers share their independent spirit." I'm the novelist.

I was under the impression that it would just be a quote or two, accompanied by a small picture of me looking like a total goober, but it actually takes up half a page, and the picture is me looking all manly in the wilderness...though still oddly gooberish.

If you're in the Tampa area or want to make a field trip, buy the July 4th edition and share it with those you love.

Coming Attractions!

2008-07-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there hasn't been a lot of recent news here on my blog, but that doesn't mean that I'm sitting in shadowy corners, being all mopey while my writing career stagnates. Actually, there's all kinds of cool stuff going on. I'm going to parcel it out instead of flinging it all at you at once, but in the days and weeks ahead I'll babble about...

Signing with an awesome new agent (as of today). Completing my sickest, most outrageous novel to date. Several upcoming short stories. A demented little novelette about the hilarity of severed body parts. Kutter, a dark comedy with heart and my trickiest blend of humor and horror thus far.

And, coming very soon...my biggest announcement ever.

In the meantime, people seem to really like Suckers. You might, too. You never know. Check out all of my stuff right here at this handy Horror Mall ordering link:

http://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

Unhealthy Fixation Update

2008-06-05T16:18:00.001-07:00

You know, this "unhealthy fixation on Brian Keene" thing isn't as easy as some people make it look. I was 6000 words into my anti-Keene rant, when suddenly I had this mental image of his merry eyes, button nose, and impish smile, and I realized that if he were standing before me I'd just want to tickle him. That's no way to generate blog controversy.

So I'm gonna ditch that idea. There has to be a way to gain blog readers without providing legitimately interesting blog content. Maybe instead of fixating on somebody in a negative manner, I'll do it in a way-too-positive, creepy, stalker-like manner, so that people say "Oh my goodness gracious! Did you see the disturbing photo collage Jeff just posted? It made me rush right over to www.jeffstrand.com, but in a bad way!"

Any recommendations or volunteers would be greatly appreciated.

We Need Controversy!!!

2008-06-04T16:29:00.001-07:00

To increase my blog readership, I've decided to develop an unhealthy fixation on Brian Keene. So every couple of days I'll post some long, incoherent rant about how Brian Keene is a total wiener, and--presto!!!--my blog audience will increase by seventy-five thousand percent.

I assume this will lead to increased book sales. I'll keep you posted.

Wacky Wacky Fan Mail

2008-06-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

If you've read Gleefully Macabre Tales, you may be extremely amused to learn that I received an e-mail asking permission for an algebra teacher to pass copies of a certain story out to her class.

If you haven't read it, you're probably not amused by that, in which case you should read the book and be amused retroactively.

Thank You, Moviegoers...

2008-06-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

...for making a box office success out of a horror movie (The Strangers) that doesn't completely suck.

We still need to work on the whole "talking during the film" thing, but it's a step in the right direction.

OMG!!! Aliens Are Real!!!

2008-06-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, some journalists at a press conference got to see a three-minute video that reportedly shows an alien peeking into a bedroom window. The "grainy, black and white video" was taken in July 2003.

There are many questionable elements about the story, but I think the biggest unanswered question is: who the hell would be shooting grainy black and white video in 2003?

However, according to the expert quoted in the article, if it were a hoax, the alien would have had to be a very elaborate and sophisticated puppet. I invite you to click the link to the story and gaze upon the still photograph from the video, and gasp in amazement at the awe-inspiring spectacle that awaits...

http://www.denverpost.com/popular/ci_9427587

Those Darn Gypsies!

2008-05-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Necro Publications is known for hardcore horror, stuff that makes my own Disposal look like Harold and the Purple Crayon. But in an effort to cater to the mellower "Maybe three decapitations in a book is sufficient" audience, they recently started the Bedlam Press imprint, which is where you'll find Gypsies Stole My Tequila by Adrienne Jones.

This novella is the story of Joe Blood, a former punk rocker who is about to turn forty. This itself is inconvenient enough, but unfortunately, in his young, successful, "chemicals are good" days, he and his two bandmates sort of made a pact that they'd kill themselves when they hit the big 4-0. And there's a demon in Joe's wall calendar that's going to hold him to his vow. This is, I believe, the first work of fiction I've read that includes a demonic talking wall calendar, although I think I'm going to start including them in my own stories from now on.

What I liked most about Gypsies Stole My Tequila is that I never quite knew where the story was headed (in a good way--I've read plenty of books where I wondered "Jeez, is this stupid thing going anywhere?"). There's a lot of humor, and plenty of great characters, especially Joe Blood himself. "Visual" humor isn't easy to pull off in fiction, but the book contains one fight scene in particular and a memorable gross-out that do this extremely well, in addition to all of the colorful and witty dialogue.

This one is well worth reading, even though about 12 years ago the publisher rejected a short story of mine, and I'm only now easing my way out of the slimy-walled pit of resentment.

Check it out at The Horror Mall right here:

http://www.horror-mall.com/GYPSIES-STOLE-MY-TEQUILA-by-Adrienne-Jones-p-16215.html

Exclusive Interview With J.A. Konrath

2008-05-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I had the chance to conduct an exclusive interview with J.A. Konrath, author of the Jack Daniels series (Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, Dirty Martini, Moonshine Slurped From A Mason Jar, etc.) and my co-author for Suckers. This interview was obtained via hidden tape recorder under false pretenses.

STRAND: Hi, Joe! Thanks so much for doing this interview.

KONRATH: No problem at all. The pleasure is all mine.

STRAND: First question: How much of Suckers did you actually write?

KONRATH: About half.

STRAND: The reason I ask is that I'd write a new chapter and send you back the file, and then you'd send it back to me in, like, fifteen minutes, and the manuscript never really seemed to be changed. So, for example, I'd end with "And then there was a knock at the door!" and when I'd get your part back, it would still end with "And then there was a knock at the door!" and the word count would be the same.

KONRATH: Your confusion is understandable. What you don't realize is that a single word can change the entire impact of a piece of fiction. It's the finishing touches that make a work of art truly great.

STRAND: Right, but I actually printed out both versions of the manuscript one time, and I put the pages on top of each other and held them up to a light, and I really didn't see any difference. Also, remember when I asked you to proofread it before we sent it to Delirium Books and you came back and said that it looked fine? I'd purposely stuck a bunch of typos in there to see if you'd notice. I even threw in three chapters from a completely different book, and the last twenty pages were just the word "hippo" repeated over and over.

KONRATH: I noticed that and found it quaint, but I didn't want to stifle your creativity. At least I came up with the title.

STRAND: No, you wanted to call it J.A. Konrath's Guide to Picking Up Spanky-Bottom Babes.

KONRATH: Yeah, well, whose title would have sold more copies?

STRAND: You wanted the cover to be a picture of you getting ready to spank somebody. I wouldn't have bought a copy of that. I asked around, and a bunch of people said that they wouldn't have ordered it, either.

KONRATH: So what are you trying to say?

STRAND: I just can't help but think that you took half the money and half the credit but didn't actually contribute anything to Suckers.

KONRATH: I see. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

[There's a long, uncomfortable pause.]

STRAND: You're a fine writer and a great guy, but in this instance I kind of think that you took advantage of me. That's not what friends do. That's not what you're supposed to be about. Does the inspirational advice on your blog mean nothing to you anymore?

KONRATH: I said I was sorry you felt that way! What do you want me to do, kill myself for being a fraud? Kill myself because my past three novels have been written by ghostwriters that I paid in humiliating ways that didn't involve currency? Fine! I'll just gobble this entire bottle of expired medication! There! Mmmmm! Nummy nummy death!

[J.A. Konrath gradually dies. End of transcript.]

Obviously, this interview turned out to be a rather poor promotional tool, although I expect Joe's tragic death to boost the value of Suckers on the secondary market, if you're into profiting from that kind of thing. If you wish to purchase your own copy, and I know gosh darn well that you do, please visit:

https://www.horror-mall.com/SUCKERS-by-J.A.-Konrath-and-Jeff-Strand-p-17711.html

Droooooooool...

2008-05-14T15:28:00.001-07:00

Three of my favorite things:

1. Jelly Bellies
2. Gummi bears
3. Licorice

Today, my wife bought me a bag of Jelly Belly brand black licorice bears. Oooooh yeah!!!

Don't Be A Sucker!!!

2008-05-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

Wait a minute...that's the best subject line I could come up with to let you know that SUCKERS is now shipping? How weak. I realize that authors can't hit a home run every time, but that's just lazy. "Don't Be A Sucker." Jeez. I didn't even try to make it plural like the actual book title, maybe something like "Don't Be A Sucker(s)." That would've been kind of funny, because the (s) is awkward and could turn it into a clever satire of lame subject lines for blog posts, rather than simply being a lame subject line for a blog post.

Still, don't take it out on my co-author J.A. Konrath. He's too busy soliciting naked pictures of his fans (oh, sure, he SAYS that it's a contest for creative pictures of fans holding his book, but we know what that pervo really wants) to beg you to support his one chance to hitch his wagon to my star, so do it for him.

Anyway, the book exists and boxes containing it are on their way to households across the world. If you got busy and accidentally forgot to order a copy, you can still do so at...

http://www.horror-mall.com/SUCKERS-by-J.A.-Konrath-and-Jeff-Strand-p-17711.html

Giant Crocs! Yeah!!!

2008-05-04T08:29:00.001-07:00

So when I went to see Iron Man on Friday, I noticed a movie poster for Rogue. I'd never even heard of it, but it's...a giant crocodile movie!

And you know what? It's a darn good giant crocodile movie. Continuing the trend of "Great Horror Movies Barely Get A Release, While Crap Remakes Play On Thousands of Screens," Dimension put this one into a whopping 10 theatres in the United States. Most likely you'll never get a chance to see this in theatres (but, hey, at least Prom Night is still around) but if you do, it's genuinely suspenseful, beautifully shot, and a lot of fun.

Warning: Brain Damage Ahead!

2008-05-03T08:04:00.001-07:00

I'm not in the habit of linking to YouTube videos on this blog...but here's a fan tribute (the fan being David Montoya of Magus Press) to Nick Cato and Novello Publishers, who did my chapbook Two Twisted Nuts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQNZHm5SjLA

Summer Movie Season Begins...

2008-05-02T19:34:00.001-07:00

Honestly, in a summer that's going to bring us Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, nothing else really matters, but I'll say this: Iron Man rocked!

In an unrelated note, chocolate-covered pomegrantes are pretty good, too.

In an even more unrelated note, you should visit The Horror Mall and stock up like a madman/madwoman, especially because SUCKERS (featuring Andrew Mayhem) is almost about to start making its way to mailboxes around the world. Here's a helpful link:

https://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

Blog Neglect

2008-04-26T06:47:00.001-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I know.

The rest of my World Horror Convention report is probably past its expiration date by now, but I did want to share (with permission) an e-mail from Mort Castle, regarding my gig as Master of Ceremonies of the Bram Stoker Awards:

"...what a superb job you did as Stoker MC. Genuinely funny, but never in a manner which cheapened the awards or the people hoping to receive them.

You did yourself proud and in the doing, did all of us in the biz, no less proud. What you did at that ceremony should serve as both model and benchmark as the years go on.

Lovely, Jeff, just lovely.

Mort Castle"

Sweet!!!

Belated WHC Report, Part Two: Thursday

2008-04-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

We checked in at the registration desk and got our bag-o-goodies. This included a copy of DESOLATE SOULS, the WHC 2008 Souvenir Anthology for which I wrote the tale "Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine." I believe that a few signed copies of the anthology are set to go up on eBay, so that may be your only shot to get in on the baby-choppin' goodness!

As I spread out my loot on the Sleep Number bed and cackled with glee, I discovered that though my name appeared on the back of the goodie bag as one of the Special Guests, I'd been left out of the program book, though I'm not sure if it was by accident or was an act of vengeance from somebody I'd wronged. This little detail became important in the Opening Ceremonies, because Toastmaster Simon Clark used the program book as his guide to introduce the guests. Most of the guests were no-shows at the beginning thanks to hundreds of cancelled/delayed flights, so there were only four of us on stage. Simon introduced the other guests and moved on to the Q&A...and as immense amounts of flop-sweat began to form, I realized that I was going to suffer through the intensely awkward experience of sitting in front of the audience while Simon politely failed to acknowledge the poor idiot who'd obviously come up on stage despite not having anything to do with the convention.

Fortunately, before it became too excruciating, Mike Myers raised his hand and asked "Who's the guy sitting to your left?" Simon was very embarrassed (even though it wasn't his fault) and it all worked out okay.

I hung out in the dealer's room for a while, saying hi to the Dark Arts crew (John Everson, Bill Breedlove, and Martel Sardina) who published three of my stories in WAITING FOR OCTOBER, which they very sternly told me to promote. And I hung out with the guys from Cutting Block Press (R.J. Cavender and Boyd Harris) along with author Michael Dixon and Bailey Hunter, who reminded me that I owe her a column for Dark Recesses Press in a few days. Cutting Block Press will be publishing my story "The Apocalypse Ain't So Bad" in HORROR LIBRARY, VOLUME 3, which has an incredibly cool cover that I'll share in a few days after I finish this con report, though adventurous blog-readers can probably find it pretty easily elsewhere.

Larry Roberts (who ships all Delirium books through the Horror-Mall, including author copies) brought along an author copy of GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, which was the first time I'd seen the actual book. It's always wonderful to hold a new book in your hands for the first time and confirm that it wasn't all an elaborate practical joke. I also got to see several of the legendary Bloodletting Press deluxe lettered edition books live for the first time, including the one where the book is strapped into an electric chair.

Then a dozen of us authors were off to the signing at Sam Weller's books, where F. Paul Wilson was very gracious as fans brought up crates of books for him to sign. I would've been gracious, too, but nobody brought up crates of books for me to sign. I sat next to future Bram Stoker Award winner Sarah Langan, who I found out on Saturday thought that I already knew if she'd won the Best Novel award or not and was just really good at keeping a secret. But I didn't know, which is good because I would've said something like "So how does it feel to be a Stoker winner? Uh, um, I mean possible winner. I mean...d'oh!!!"

Survivor was cancelled that week in favor of basketball, so I wasn't forced to be the kind of pathetic loser who would be at the World Horror Convention yet sit up in his room and watch Survivor.

NEXT: Friday...and the Gross-Out Contest!

Back From WHC...

2008-04-06T07:32:00.001-07:00

Actually, I came back from the World Horror Convention a week ago, but I'm only now getting to blog about it. And this blog is going to be Day One, where not much happened....

DAY ONE: WEDNESDAY

My wife (in her "Lynne Hansen" persona) and I somehow managed to get a direct flight from Tampa to Salt Lake City...and it was on time. Weird. The wonderful Darleen Dineen picked us up at the airport and drove us to the hotel, where our roommate Mike Myers was waiting in the lobby to help us carry our book-laden luggage to the room.

The hotel heavily promoted the fact that it had Sleep Number beds, but quite honestly they're just glorified air mattresses and not all that comfortable. However, Mike and I spent way too much time racing to get our respective beds down to "0" (which is quite a challenge) and then back up to 100. Mike won both races and was very, very pleased with himself. I bow before his superior skills in inflating and deflating the Sleep Number bed.

That's about it for Wednesday. In the meantime, here's an article from a Salt Lake City newspaper (The Daily Herald) about the World Horror Convention, where I'm quoted a couple of times:

http://www.heraldextra.com/content/view/259769/136/

Gleefully Macabre Tales & WHC Update

2008-03-21T09:15:00.001-07:00

Gleefully Macabre Tales will be on its way to mailboxes across the world next week! So if you've been holding off on ordering the book until it was ready to ship, the time to order is......GONE!!! 'Cuz it's sold out.

However, there's always the chance that somebody will cancel their order ("Crap! I thought I'd ordered MONKEY LOVE by John Paul Allen!") so if you want to get on the waiting list, go here...

https://www.horror-mall.com/GLEEFULLY-MACABRE-TALES-by-Jeff-Strand-p-16740.html

...and click the "Notify Me" button.

Next weekend is the World Horror Convention in Salt Lake City. I'm a Special Guest this year (I know, I know...WTF?) and here's my schedule:

THURSDAY, MARCH 27:

5:00 - 5:50 PM. Opening Ceremonies. I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do at the opening ceremonies, except listen to the confused murmurs after I'm introduced. But I'll be there.

6:00 - 7:50 PM. Signing at Sam Weller's Bookstore. I'll be there with twelve other authors, and this will be your first opportunity to purchase one of my books and have me write something clever in it, like "How the hell did I get to be a Special Guest at WHC?"

FRIDAY, MARCH 28:

10:00 - 10:50 AM: PANEL: "When The Screaming Stops: The Non-Writing Part of a Horror Writer's Job." With Gene O'Neill, Stephen Wilson, and Gary Braunbeck.

7:00 - 7:50 PM: PANEL: "The Fine Art of the Gross-Out." I'll be moderating this dignified panel, which includes Rain Graves, Cullen Bunn, Weston Ochse, Bill Breedlove, and Wrath James White.

8:00 - 9:50 PM: Mass Autograph Signing. Virtually every author in attendance will be available to sign books for you.

10:30 PM - Midnight. The Gross-Out Contest. This will be my fourth year as a participant, and I don't want to spoil the surprise, but there'll be a surprise.

SATURDAY, MARCH 29:

2:00 - 2:50 PM: PANEL: "Make 'Em Laugh: Comic Relief in Horror Fiction." With Hank Schwaeble, Dan Wells, and Hal Bodner.

4:30 - 5:00 PM: Reading. Possibly a short story called "The Apocalypse Ain't So Bad."

7:30 - 10:30 PM: Bram Stoker Awards Banquet & Ceremony. I'll be the Master of Ceremonies, and the whole event will be available as a live webcast for those of you who can't be there. I'll send the link information closer to the event, because if I send it now you'll probably lose it.

SUNDAY, MARCH 30:

4:00 - 4:50 PM: Closing Ceremonies.

I'm Sort Of A Movie Star!!!

2008-03-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend my wife and I headed off to St. Petersburg to be in a movie. It was originally called Zombotomy, but that sort of implied flesh-eating undead, so now they're calling it Trep Nation (I believe the final title remains flexible). Our role was that of the "vagrants," and we arrived appropriately dressed. It was the very first night of a shoot that's set to go through May. Call time: 6:45 PM. Scheduled end time: 11:00 PM. While I don't wish to spoil any of the plot twists in this blog entry, here's some foreshadowing: We were not done by 11:00 PM.

When we arrived at Demens Landing, the shooting location, it was rainy, windy, and cold. Director Andrew Allan gave us a cheerful greeting and explained that they were still waiting for everybody to show up. We were welcome to hang out, or we could just come back in an hour or so. Not being method actors, we prepared for our role as vagrants by driving to Chipotle for a big-ass burrito.

Upon our return, crew members were starting a generator and setting up various cryptic filmmaking contraptions (one thing kind of looked like it was meant to be a rain keeper-outer, but probably wasn't). Producer Andy Lalino (whose film Filthy I've discussed more than once on this blog, because it's wonderfully entertaining and unspeakably foul) was performing the crucial film producer duty of calling people to find out where the hell they were. Meanwhile, some other crew members were trying desperately to set up the makeup station in the wind and rain. After unsuccessfully trying to keep a plastic tarp from hanging down into the very, very, very hot light, the whole makeup operation was moved to the women's restroom.

Andrew the Director told me how much he loved my reading of "The Bad Candy House" on Dread Central. If I'd known he enjoyed it that much, I would've asked for a bigger part in his movie. He explained that my role was to get interrogated and beat up in the park; however, they were also considering an alternate version of the scene where I get dragged out from a covered slide and then beat up. Abuse. Cool.

We hung out at the makeup station for a while. A long while. The other actors in our scene (Spy #1 = Clayton Clark, Spy #2 = Brian Watts) were in their snazzy black spy costumes, and Andy the Producer gave them a safety lesson in handling their stun batons. These were real stun batons, capable of delivering 800,000 volts each of vagrant-stopping power, and the safety lesson was very, very serious. Basically, you press a button and the baton pops out, at which point that baby is live. The safety must be on AT ALL TIMES. To retract the baton, you do not press it against the wet ground. It would've been kinda funny if one of them had said "So don't do this, right?" and zapped his partner in the leg, but neither of them did. In fact, after carefully handing the stunners back to Andy for safekeeping, Brian rattled off a list of fierce weapons he has fired in his life with no qualms, and explained that this was the only thing that ever made him nervous.

We continued to hang out at the makeup station, where the lead actor and actress were still being processed. Andrew the Director came over and asked me if I knew the plot of the movie, which I didn't, but he didn't get past the first act before he got called away to do director stuff. My wife and I wandered around for a while, watching crew members continue to set up stuff that we weren't really sure what it did.

Marcus Koch, director of the psycho killer clown movie 100 Tears, was in charge of special effects makeup, and I got to talk to him for a while. He showed me some pictures of the effects he'd just done for a different movie...or else he was showing me pictures of a real dismembered corpse. It was pretty darn realistic. I guess if he were a real killer he wouldn't be able to show off pictures willy-nilly without getting quickly busted by the cops, so they were probably F/X. If not, stun batons are available.

Sandy Lalino set up the awesome craft services table, following the rule that in a low-budget production, the best thing you can do is keep your crew well fed. Of course, I'd pigged out on that sizable burrito so I skipped the solid foods, but they had Mountain Dew, so I was happy.

Makeup continued. It was now past 11:00 PM, so things were obviously a wee bit behind schedule. In fact, I didn't get into the makeup chair until 1:30 AM. Makeup guru and roller derby chick Joanie Atkins dirtied me up quite nice, adding a week's worth of beard growth, screwing up my hair, adding grime-a-plenty to my face, clothes, and hands, and adding red lines under my eyes and on my nose. I looked like absolute crap...but in a good way!

Now in full makeup, it was time to wait some more. Brian the Spy actually had the script page with our scene available, and I saw that my role was to be yanked to my feet and asked which way the heroes went. I'd point and then be thrown to the ground. As a Bram Stoker Award-nominated author, I decided that a rewrite was in order, where I'd say "Unhand me, foul blackheart, lest I deliver a thrashing you won't soon forget!" Then I'd break him in half over my knee, pick up his stun gun, zap myself in the chest, and say "Oooh, yeah, that's the sweet stuff."

I watched the leads, Chris Jackson and Somali Rose, film a scene. They had to do it approximately 27,319 times from 11,382 angles. I was in full vagrant gear, meaning multiple layers of clothing, and I was freezing. The actors were not in multiple layers of clothing, particularly Somali. It basically went, shoot a scene, throw a coat on Somali to allow her to de-thaw while the crew sets up the next scene, and so on. At the end, I got to watch one of the takes in the playback monitor, and it looked fantastic. Live, the scene looks all fakey with the crew and the lights and the cameras, but watching it on the monitor...whoa, it's a real movie!!!

Then I watched Andy the Producer haul off a bag of garbage from the craft services table. I suggested that the producer shouldn't be doing that; he should be ordering other people to carry trash while reclining in a lounge chair and smoking a stogie. "That's not how things work at The Film Ranch," he said, cheerfully performing custodial duties.

Around 4:00 AM I started to question whether the vagrants would be needed. Anthony (whose last name isn't on the call sheet, so I'll just call him "Anthony") was set to play a Street Thug and had already been sent home, to return another night. (Clayton was drinking a Red Bull, and Anthony cheerfully told him what "Taurine" really is. I looked it up and found that he was right. I drink a lot of beverages with Taurine and would have preferred to remain blissfully ignorant.) Would the vagrants get their time in the spotlight?

Yes...but in a reduced role. Thanks to the approaching sunrise, our new job was to lay on the stairs while Clayton the Spy (Brian the Spy had also been sent home, to return on Sunday) walked past. It was actually kind of comfy. Then I was told that they couldn't see my face in the monitor, and I was given specific instructions on how to contort. This was quite a bit less comfy. But I lay there, clutching an oversized beer can to my chest, pretending to be unconscious while they filmed the dramatic staircase scene several times. It would've been really frickin' embarrassing to screw up a role where my job was to pretend to be asleep, and I'm proud to report that I did a fine job. Or I think I did. Ultimately, it's you, the audience, who will have to determine whether my portrayal of the unconscious vagrant was pure awesomeness or whether I ruined the entire movie.

At 6:15 AM, slightly later than scheduled, the vagrants--and the night's shooting--were complete.

For more information on The Film Ranch, get thee to www.thefilmranch.com.

For more information on my new book SUCKERS, which will be worth 7.4 times its cover price when Spielberg casts me as a vagrant in his next movie, head over to www.jeffstrand.com.

That's a wrap.

Convention Report

2008-03-14T11:19:00.001-07:00

IMPORTANT NOTE: Though the following blog entry has nothing to do with my new book SUCKERS, which you can order right now at the following handy link, https://www.horror-mall.com/SUCKERS-by-J.A.-Konrath-and-Jeff-Strand-p-17711.html , you'll enjoy it more if you buy a copy. I don't know why. Just one of those weird mysteries of science. You like science, don't you?

Last weekend I went to Portland, Orgeon for the ninth annual EPICon, where I hosted the ninth annual EPPIE awards banquet for the ninth annual time. Before I got there, of course, my usual abysmal luck with flight delays kept me stuck on a plane for three hours in Dallas, where we had to wait for workers to get ice out of the engine...so that we could taxi to the runway to get in line to be de-iced. At one point, the captain said "Ladies and gentlemen, you aren't going to believe this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it..." and I was sure he was about to say "...we've been cleared for takeoff! Ha! Fooled you, suckers!" but, no, he informed us of another delay.

Fantasy author Gloria Oliver was on the same plane, and so we joined forces to figure out the MAX light rail system and get to the hotel. Which was actually very easy, particularly since the EPICon website had provided a series of photographs showing each step, meaning that you'd have to be quite the dullard to screw it up, but I figured that if I DID somehow manage to get lost under these conditions, I wanted to be able to say "It was Gloria's fault! Ridicule her!" In the end, the only problem was that the ticket machine ate my $2.05.

Jet-lagged and barely conscious, I made it to the hotel and still managed to babble my way through some conversations. At least I think I did--the people may have been imaginary.

Highlights...

--A group voyage to Powell's Books, the largest bookstore in the entire frickin' universe. I took pictures of various friends' books on the shelves, which was probably kind of geeky.

--At the end of the luncheon honoring the winners of the New Voices contest, the kids (middle school age) got to sit behind a table and do an impromptu signing of their winning works...and immediately had a longer autographing line than all of mine combined, the bratty little punks...

--Kat Thompson knitted me a little frog doll. It's not often that people present me with gifts of frogs in any form, much less homemade ones, and the frog now resides in a place of honor underneath my print of the cover to THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE.

--Best quote of the entire weekend: "I don't think I want a monkey on my saucebox." I may explain the context in a future blog post, or I may not.

Then, Saturday night, it was time for the EPPIES banquet. A couple of film students taped the entire thing, and once it's edited together EPIC will sell the DVDs at cost, so I'm not going to give away too much, but here are some tidbits...

For the opening joke, instead of my usual tuxedo, I walked into the banquet room in sweatpants, a t-shirt, sandals, and a ballcap on backwards. "My wife couldn't be here this year." After admitting that I was now feeling a little bit uncomfortable with my chosen attire, I asked if anybody would be willing to provide surrogate mother duties...at which point Ginny McBlain came up on stage with my tuxedo and helped me get changed. My directorial suggestion was "just pretend you're helping a bratty kid."

This was one of those high-risk gags that I usually avoid, because if it didn't work...well, you're stuck with five minutes of watching me put on formal wear, a real treat for the audience. It also provided an additional challenge in that not only was there the actual banquet portion beforehand, but AllRomanceEBooks had put together a mucho classy champagne reception, so I couldn't just walk around looking like a ruffian. In terms of total devotion to the joke, my best bet would've been to skip everything and hang out in my hotel room until the awards ceremony began, but then everybody else would get steak and salmon and I'd get Quizno's, so I compromised and wore clothes that looked like they could pass for somebody actually deluding himself into believing he was dressed up, then switched into bum gear and hid until I was introduced.

I hope the film students edit out the mistakes. I referred to EPPIES chair Carol MacLeod as "Karen MacLeod," despite the fact that at no time in my life have I ever thought her name was "Karen," and my written notes said "Carol." You'd almost think I hadn't sent her multiple e-mails offering unsolicited suggestions about the EPPIES process. It was a nice little embarrassing case of brain/mouth disconnect.

Another glitch was the cell phone gag. The joke was that while introducing the Best Romantic Suspense category, my cell phone would go off, and I'd take the call and have a completely pointless conversation, then say "You're breaking up...let me call you back," at which point EPIC President Brenna Lyons' phone would ring, and we'd have a completely pointless conversation, and then I'd ask her if her sister Lisa Brennan-Webb was ready to present the category, and she'd call Lisa (who was sitting right next to her) and ask her to come up on stage.

Brenna was supposed to call me as soon as I started talking, and in a very rare case of not covering for potential screw-ups, I hadn't written anything to fill the time in the instance that it might take FOREVER for my phone to ring after Brenna called. (Keep in mind that I had contingency plans for several possible glitches, including not being able to untie a phony helium balloon at the proper moment, but nothing for this one.) So we got the dreaded "awkward pause" until my phone rang. When Brenna called Lisa, Lisa's phone took so long to ring that we just cut the gag short. To be fair, the whole bit got some pretty big laughs, but we really should've tested it. I mean, c'mon, this was my ninth year!

Still, despite the glitches (and there are always glitches, gosh darn it all to heck!) there were gobs of laughs from the audience throughout the evening and my contribution to the banquet was a great success. (The DVDs may tell a different story, but for now I'll remain happily oblivious.) As always, I wished that more winners were present, and since I talk so damn much throughout the ceremony it's always kind of embarrassing when the winners simply offer up a classy "Thank you!" and depart the stage. We may have to institute a rising/falling cage in the future so that the winners are forced to soak up more of their glory.

COMING SOON: Tonight I'm going to play a cameo role in the film ZOMBOTOMY, where I will play the exciting part of "Vagrant #1" during a chase sequence, although I do not believe that Vagrant #1 is involved in the actual chasing portion of the scene. I think the leads will run past me, and I'll just stand there, looking like a vagrant. However, I'll be bringing along an 18-page monologue just in case the director says "My God! Vagrant #1 is the true hero of this story!"

P.S.: If that happens, you'll really wish you had a copy of SUCKERS...

Snazzy!!!

2008-03-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

Here's how the classy, well-dressed man of today hosts an awards banquet. Photo by Debbie Fritter.

Sweet Irony

2008-03-01T06:23:00.001-08:00

I'd previously shared my pricey adventure ($11 for parking???) driving to Orlando to see the thoroughly mediocre Diary of the Dead. This weekend the movie opened at the theatre a mile from my house. Oh well.

Meanwhile, Norman L. Rubenstein has written a Gleefully Macabre Tales review for FearZone, where he says things like...

"For sheer fun and enjoyment, one can legitimately argue that author Strand best showcases his unique talents in his short fiction."

"The range displayed by the author within these thirty-two stories, his ability to alternately scare, titillate, and make you laugh, is amazing."

"Many of Strand's tales work upon multiple levels, so that beyond the fearsome and funny, look a bit further and you will find the author also gently skewering certain contemporary conventions or critically commenting on elements of modern society deserving of such approbation. Gleefully Macabre Tales is alternately a wondrously hilarious and frightening, and indeed, gleefully macabre set of stories, and receives my highest recommendation."

The review also contains a lengthy anecdote about the reviewer's attempt to read one of the stories ("The Socket") while sitting in a doctor's office. Check out the whole thing right here:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/macabre-strand

And then go buy Gleefully Macabre Tales (set to ship any day now!) right here:

http://www.horror-mall.com/Jeff-Strand-p-1-c-250.html

Be There!!!

2008-02-29T06:48:00.001-08:00

Andrew Mayhem Book 3.5

2008-02-27T17:37:00.000-08:00

So, I talked about it while it was being written, then I shut up about it after it was sold, and then I occasionally mentioned it in sort of a vague coy "tee hee I'm such a naughty secret keeper" manner, but now I can officially announce the return of Andrew Mayhem in...SUCKERS, a novelette co-written with J.A. Konrath!

In this adventure, written in alternating first person points of view, "He Said / He Said" style, Andrew Mayhem teams up with Harry McGlade, who co-stars in the Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels comedy/thriller series, available in bookstore everywhere, even the really lame ones. (Especially the really lame ones!) You can learn way more than anybody should know about my co-author at http://www.jakonrath.com. A quick visit to his website will show that he's really slumming with this project.

It's going to be published by none other than Delirium Books, as part of their hardcover chapbook series! So it will be an adorable little book that you can slip into your pocket in case you need an emergency Mayhem/McGlade fix. If you only need an emergency Mayhem fix, you can read the odd-numbered chapters.

"But when? When???" you ask. April 2008, kiddies! Delirium no longer has those lengthy pre-order periods, so it won't be OFFICIALLY announced until right before it's ready to ship, and that's when I'll start blabbing about the plot and begging you to part with your disposable income. Keep watching this space.

E-Mail of the Day

2008-02-20T16:45:00.001-08:00

I got a kick out this e-mail I received today, and am sharing it here with permission.

Hi Mr. Strand,

I few weeks ago I stumbled upon a few of your books. I don't usually read horror novels (my taste runs to comedy, thrillers, and romance). So I looked up your website. Your bio was written in such a humorous manner that I decided to read your books after all (I think I even left a comment in that regards).

I decided to read the three Andrew Mayhem books (Graverobbers, Single Psychopath, & Used Casket). I enjoyed the first book. You have a nice writing style and I appreciated the humor.

The second book freaked me out. The only other time I've felt that bad was when I watched the movie Hostel. The part that specifically freaked me out was when Andrew [Spoiler Removed].

I was so freaked out by the second book that I was really debating about reading the third book. But I'm a bookworm and hoped that your third book wouldn't be as gross. When Andrew declines the woman's offer to deliver her suitcase and instead goes on vacation, I thought, how bad could this possibly get? Boy was I wrong. The worst part was when [Spoiler Removed]. I probably shouldn't have read that book late at night before going to bed. I'm afraid of getting nightmares now (which is why I'm composing this letter instead).

I can certainly see why you had had troubling getting your manuscripts published. You are a talented writer, but it really gave me the creeps (and also made me paranoid, I doubt I will ever want to go camping again). On the plus side, the novels will make for excellent horror movies.

So while I doubt I'll read any of your other books, I do want compliment on your talent as a writer. If you end up writing a much lighter piece (i.e. no gore, no psychopaths), please let me know so I can get a copy.

Sincerely,
Rokusan

Benjamin's Parasite - Sneak Peek

2008-02-19T15:52:00.001-08:00

Get a sample chapter from my upcoming horror/comedy novel right here:

http://www.horror-mall.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=1146

Diary of the Dead

2008-02-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

Most of the horror movies I really want to see (Teeth being the most recent example) don't play in a theatre anywhere near me. And I didn't think George Romero's Diary of the Dead would be playing anywhere closer than a five-hour drive...but, joy of joys, it was playing at the Universal Citywalk, an hour and a half away.

In addition to the drive, the Universal Citywalk (basically, restaurants, shops, and a movie theatre sandwiched between the two Universal Studios theme parks) charges $11 for parking. And the movie tickets were $7.25 for a matinee. Worst of all, because we got there early, I was forced to look around in Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville for a while, a place that used to be kind of cool when there were only a couple of them but now has all the street cred of a Hot Topic store.

Diary of the Dead itself? Thoroughly mediocre.

It's a pseudo-documentary like The Blair Witch Project or Cloverfield, but is never remotely convincing in that regard, thanks to bad acting and worse dialogue. It has some suspenseful moments, but the social commentary--always part of Romero's work--is in your face, all over the map, and never really successfully hits any of its targets.

It's worth seeing, but not if you have to drive 90 minutes each way and pay $11 for parking.

Night of the Living Idiots

2008-02-17T07:45:00.001-08:00

Last night I went to see the original B&W Night of the Living Dead in a theatre. Ooooooh, I was psyched! Night of the Living Dead! In a theatre! Dude!

Tragically, the audience decided to treat the experience as an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This didn't offend me on a film geeky "This is a classic motion picture! Show your respect, you unkempt ruffians!" level (okay, it did a little) but more on the level that one should not shout comments out at the screen unless they are funny, clever, and/or perceptive. Blurting out whatever random thoughts pop into one's brain, when these thoughts are not of a quality that necessitate them being shared with other people, just annoys the hell out of innocent filmgoers like myself who were really looking forward to seeing the original Night of the Living Dead on the big screen.

To be fair, it was a double-feature with The Rocky Horror Picture Show, so I probably should've seen that coming...

If you're within, oh, about twenty-eight hours of the Tampa area, you'll want to check out the 45th Anniversary Screening of Blood Feast, featuring a one-hour reception with filmmakers Herschell Gordon Lewis and David F. Friedman, and a Q&A afterwards. It's Saturday, March 1st, starting at 8:00 PM, and also includes a screening of 100 Tears, a psycho killer clown movie. A nurse will be on duty to treat the cowardly and faint of heart, so rest assured that they have your well-being in mind.

I've seen Blood Feast in a theatre before, at the Sarasota Film Fest where host Joe Bob Briggs was subjected to the most idiotic questions imaginable, but this sounds way too cool to pass up. So I'll be there. Will YOU....?

http://gasparilla2008.bside.com/2008/?_view=_filmdetails&filmId=48638000

Grandpa Joe Sucks

2008-02-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

Last night, while doing some proofreading, I watched the Charlie Brown Valentine's Day special. Alas, the special didn't answer the biggest lingering question about the Peanuts gang: Why does Linus have a deformed head? Is it a birth defect? Was he dropped on his head? Did Lucy kick him?

I also watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which retains the same huge flaw as the book and the original movie: That Charlie takes Grandpa Joe (one of the legendary slackers in cinema history) to the factory instead of his hard working parents. Grandpa Joe, Mr. "Oh, I must lay in bed all day for I am so very elderly and weak...oh, wait, chocolate factory?...look, I can walk again!" During the tour, he never even gets winded.

In the new version, the odious Grandpa Joe tells Charlie about how he used to work at the chocolate factory. Keep in mind that Charlie is so obsessed with the factory that he has very slowly built a replica of it out of discarded toothpaste caps, and his birthday present each year is a single bar of Willy Wonka's chocolate. Grandpa Joe is only NOW telling him that he used to work there?

The movie doesn't call him out, but I will: Grandpa Joe is a damned liar. No doubt during those "factory working" years he was pulling a con on some other family. Sadly, despite the myriad death traps that claim the children during the tour, Grandpa Joe survives and no doubt plops his ass right back in bed, living out his remaining years with Oompa-Loompahs giving him sponge baths and feeding him bon-bons.

Well I'll Be Gosh Durned!

2008-02-05T15:14:00.001-08:00

THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR won the Reader's Choice Award for Best Small Press Title in the Dark Scribe Awards!

Verify the authenticity of my statement here:

http://www.darkscribemagazine.com/winners/

Boo-yah!!!

It's Super Bowl Time!

2008-02-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

Gooooooooooooooooooooo Orioles!!!

Book of the Week, Episode V

2008-01-27T15:57:00.001-08:00

When Greg Lamberson asked me to write the foreword to his novel JOHNNY GRUESOME, I told him to feel free to keep me in mind as a last-minute emergency backup, but that he should really try to get some B-movie icon instead. This was not me being an unmotivated lazy bum--this book screamed for somebody like Robert Englund to pen the introduction.

The problem with this scenario is that JOHNNY GRUESOME was to be signed by Greg, cover/interior artist Zack McCain, and whoever wrote the foreword. B-movie icons, who sit at tables at conventions and charge twenty bucks a pop to sign their picture, are not generally inclined to sign a few hundred signature sheets for free. Authors, on the other hand, squeal with delight when you hand them one of their own books. "You want me to sign this? Really? Oh, thank you! May I walk your dog for you?"

So I ended up writing the foreword and signing my name over and over and over. In the foreword, I decided that I was going to focus exclusively on JOHNNY GRUESOME: THE NOVEL, but of course the project is noteworthy for an unprecedented amount of tie-in material for a small press horror novel. There's a music CD, created by Giasone and Marcy Italiano, which is damn good. It's in high rotation on my iPod, and stands on its own as far more than just a promo for the book. Greg directed a music video/short film based on the song "Gruesome," which I actually got to see on the big screen at Halloweenapalooza. There are trading cards and comic books and Halloween masks and even a "Johnny Gruesome: Zombie President '08" bumper sticker.

It's the first novel published by Bad Moon Books, who've done several nice-lookin' chapbooks. I could say "for their first novel-length project, Bad Moon has done a phenomenal job," but I don't even need to add the disclaimer. This is a fantastic looking book--period. It more than lives up to the standards of other respected publishers in the limited edition market. C'mon, the interior illustrations are in full color! Sweet!

As for the story itself, it's a fun, gory zombie slasher romp. But an extremely well-written one...fun + gory + zombie does not mean that Lamberson skimps on characterization or attention to detail. We care about the characters even when they don't have a homicidal zombie teenager trying to kill them. Fortunately, though, there are plenty of scenes with a homicidal zombie teenager trying to kill them.

Ultimately, whether or not you will enjoy JOHNNY GRUESOME can be determined by a simple glance at the cover. Would you buy a book with that cover? If so, then whip out that credit card and prepare yourself for one wild ride. If you cluck your tongue and turn up your nose and make a little "huff" sound, I cannot in good conscience tell you that you'll enjoy the book.

C'mon over to http://slimeguy.com/gruesomeBook.htm, kiddies!

Cheap(er) DISPOSAL! Today Only!

2008-01-25T08:33:00.001-08:00

Today you can get 20% off DISPOSAL (or any in-stock book at Shocklines)! But only today, Friday the 25th! Don't dilly-dally!

Just visit http://shocklines.stores.yahoo.net/dinobjestbha.html, and then use coupon code SHOCKTWENTY.

It's Newsletter Time!

2008-01-25T08:15:00.001-08:00

I just sent out my first Seriously Whacked newsletter of 2008. If you're a regular reader of my blog, there's probably not a whole lot of motive to subscribe to the newsletter, since it basically just compiles the most important self-promo blog pieces into one convenient package. But it does contain extra little scraps of new stuff, so if you're the kind of person who wants EVERY SINGLE JOKE, including the one about a hippie commune, then send a blank e-mail to:

seriouslywhacked-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Rest assured that I resist the temptation to change subscriber's mail options. Quite a few people are set to "Web Only," but they never check for new messages, I just know it!!! Damn them!!!

Bad Candy House (With Ketchup!)

2008-01-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered an odd new treat in the vending machine: Ketchup & Fries flavored potato chips. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we've now reached a point in our culture where we're selling fried potato products flavored like other fried potato products!

I bought them, of course. They tasted like ketchup-flavored potato chips. Which wasn't quite as disgusting as it should have been.

In even more exciting news, Dread Central has just uploaded the latest edition of Dreadtime Stories...and this time, it's my short story "The Bad Candy House," from WAITING FOR OCTOBER, read by me! By clicking on the handy link right here:

http://www.dreadcentral.com/node/25925

...you can listen to it directly from the website, download it to your computer, or even grab it from iTunes for free!

WARNING: Contains course language (including the F-word), violence, and an overall mean-spirited attitude. But it's also funny.

GMT & BL TOC

2008-01-15T16:16:00.001-08:00

Yesterday's blog was sullied by faulty intelligence. GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, the collection that received a splendid review right here...

http://www.darkscribemagazine.com/reviews/gleefully-macabre-tales-jeff-strand.html

...remains available in miniature quantities for your purchasing ecstasy. Grab ye a copy right here before they go bye-bye.

https://www.horror-mall.com/store/product.php?productid=16740&cat=0&page=1

And, in other news, here's the table of contents of BLOOD LITE!

"The Ungrateful Dead" by Kelley Armstrong
"Mr. Bear" by Joe Lansdale
"Hell in a Handbasket" by Lucien Soulban
"The Eldritch Pastiche from Beyond the Shadow of Horror" by Christopher Welch
"Elvis Presley and the Bloodsucker Blues" by Matt Vence
"No Problem" by Don D'Ammassa
"Old School" by Mark Onspaugh
"The Sound of Blunder" by J.A. Konrath and F. Paul Wilson
"An Evening with Al Gore" by Charlaine Harris
"Dear Prudence" by Steven Savile
"A Good Psycho is Hard to Find" by Will Ludwigsen
"High Kicks and Misdemeanors" by Janet Berliner
"P.R. Problems" by Eric James Stone
"Where Angels Fear to Tread" by Sherrilyn Kenyon
"A Very Special Girl" by Mike Resnick
"Loveseat Solitaire" by D.L. Snell
"I Know Who You Ate Last Summer" by Nancy Holder
"Bitches of the Night" by Nancy Kilpatrick
"The Bell . . . FROM HELL!!!" by Jeff Strand
"Dead Hand" by Sharyn McCrumb
"Day Off" by Jim Butcher

The 1st Official GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES Review

2008-01-14T19:05:00.001-08:00

By Michele Lee for Dark Scribe Magazine. Says stuff like "Gleefully Macabre Tales, a collection likely to achieve cult classic status, is a must-buy for horror lovers."

Of course, you can't must-buy it now, because it's sold out! Hahahahahahaha! Still, that shouldn't stop you from checking out the review...

http://www.darkscribemagazine.com/reviews/gleefully-macabre-tales-jeff-strand.html

Mr. Corpse Glory

2008-01-01T15:51:00.001-08:00

FearZone has named THE SINISTER MR. CORPSE the best work of 2007!

Well, okay...they named it the best comedic work of 2007. But, hey, that included TV and movies!

And, yeah, FearZone is a horror site, so technically they named it the best horror/comedy of 2007.

Still, regardless of the subdivisions of glory, there's a nice write-up on the book at the handy URL below.

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/best-comedy

Happy 2008, You Ruffians!

2008-01-01T06:57:00.001-08:00

Is there a politically correct replacement for "Happy New Year" for people who don't celebrate the new year?

I hope everybody has a super-duper 2008. I'm now old enough that I start saying dumb stuff like "Wow, 2007 went fast!" so hopefully 2008 slows down the pace a bit.

The X-Mas story I posted on my newly redesigned website will vanish without a trace on Thursday, so if you want to give it a read (it's very short), head on over to http://www.jeffstrand.com and check it out!

I'd originally decided that my website would be a democracy where everybody gets an equal voice, and so I approved the comment from the guy who asked if I actually get paid for my writing, because he thought the story sucked. Then, a couple days later, I decided that a dictatorship was the way to go and deleted it. The power! The sweet, sweet nectar of power! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

The Lines of Communication are OPEN!

2007-12-27T21:20:00.001-08:00

Hey, I've got a new message board, right here at the Horror Mall:

http://www.horror-mall.com/forum/index.php?showforum=38

Stop by. Ask questions. Post stuff. Cause a ruckus. Have fun.

Book of the Week, Episode IV

2007-12-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna do something a little different this week. Instead of discussing a recent small press title and explaining that you have to order it NOW NOW NOW!!! if you don't want to miss out, let's turn back the clock a few years to James A. Moore's novel FIREWORKS, a mass market release which is readily available at Amazon for a mere $6.99.

Though Jim Moore achieved worldwide fame, the respect of his peers, and a bunch of extra cash to feed ducks when I allowed him to collaborate with me on our eternal masterpiece THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR, it's a little-known fact that he had dabbled in fiction on his own before our association. I know I was surprised to walk into my local Barnes & Noble and see a whole slew of Jim Moore books on the shelves. "Look!" I said, tugging excitedly on my wife's sleeve. "That's the guy I wrote that book with! How cool that he doesn't need me to hold his hand anymore!"

But my excitement quickly turned into dark jealousy as I flipped through the books and realized that most of them were published before we wrote even the first word of our novel. How DARE he write books without me? Who the bleep did he think he was, building a successful career and hiding it from me like a shameful infidelity?

My dark jealousy quickly turned into despair. I thought I'd plucked Jim Moore from obscurity, but was it possible that he didn't need to ride my coattails to get a book contract? I'd always assumed that his top billing on THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR was strictly alphabetical...but was that really the case? Was it I who was the leech? Was Jim Moore...slumming?

I wept.

Anyway, FIREWORKS was the first Jim Moore novel I read, before he knew who the hell I was. On the surface, it's about aliens, but the last thing you want to do is go into this one thinking "Yeee-haw! I'm-a gonna read 'bout Martians disintegrating people!" This book contains nary a disintegration. The twist is that FIREWORKS is barely about the aliens at all. It's about what happens to a small town when a spacecraft crashes into a lake, and the government steps in to take control of the situation.

Yep, FIREWORKS deals entirely with the human reaction to the spacecraft and not the alien contents. It's a fascinating novel, filled with the rich and believable characterizations that you'll find in all of his work, and you never quite know where things are headed. Very highly recommended.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/103-1204403-8405452?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=james+a.+moore

A Free Dark-n-Twisted Holiday Story

2007-12-22T18:43:00.001-08:00

To celebrate my newly redesigned website, I've written a very dark, grisly holiday tale called "We Believe." Just venture forth to http://www.jeffstrand.com and click the "Free X-Mas Story" link at the top. Enjoy!

Could It Be? A New Website?

2007-12-20T21:26:00.001-08:00

If you've visited my website over the past couple of months, you've probably shaken your head sadly and clucked your tongue in disapproval at its shameful out-of-dateness. Wasn't my fault. My computer crash cost me the use of FrontPage, and so my poor website sat out there on the Internet pretending that DISPOSAL and THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR hadn't been published yet.

Now, the solution was simple. My wife had recently redesigned her site (http://www.lynnehansen.com) using WordPress, which is really just a blog-hosting service, but it's customizable enough that you can make a pretty good website out of it. I wasn't looking for anything fancy--just functional. I decided to do the same thing. I registered for a WordPress account, added a friendly "Under construction" message, and then...

...did nothing. "Do The Damn Website" remained on my to-do list for several months, but it was a large, scary undertaking and I didn't wanna mess with it. However, in a shocking plot twist, my wife revealed last weekend that she'd been working on it for a while, and 90% of the labor was complete. All I had to do was plug in a bunch of URLs, revise some of the book descriptions, update some laughably old stuff, and a few other tweaks.

There's still some screwy formatting that I haven't yet been able to defeat, and I haven't verified that all of the links work, and there's a LOT of material that I want to add...but, nevertheless, it's suitable for public viewing.

http://jeffstrand.wordpress.com/

Book of the Week, Episode III

2007-12-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

I am rooting for Michael McBride to succeed more than any other author. This is because our career paths have been eerily similar, and any success that one of us finds will probably be quickly mirrored by the other. So any Hollywood studios or big New York publishers who are looking for an author to shower with cash and precious gems, McBride's your guy!

McBride tends to write ambitious, large-scale novels. SPECIES was combined with the unpublished SPECIES II as CHRONICLES OF THE APOCALYPSE, nearly 600 pages of end-of-the-world goodness. GOD'S END is another epic tale, and though THE INFECTED falls into the category of "fun gory romp," it's a pretty damn ambitious fun gory romp.

But he can also tone things down quite a bit, as with his most recently published work, BLOOD WISH. This one is part of the hardcover chapbook series from Delirium Books, meaning that it's slightly smaller than a mass market paperback and perfect for taking along to, say, the dentist's office, which is where I read a good chunk of it. Honestly, the Delirium hardcover chapbooks are such a neat, sturdy little product that I wish they were priced for readers instead of collectors, but BLOOD WISH is a 300-copy limited edition, and almost all of 'em are gone!

As usual, I don't want to give too much away about the plot, except that this novelette is much like a contemporary fairy tale. It's a slow, careful build, subtle and creepy...until things stop being quite so subtle. The last 20 pages or so are wonderfully inventive and wicked, and BLOOD WISH is the perfect bedtime story. In fact, the "tiny little hardcover" format almost feels as if you're reading a children's book. There's no sex or profanity, and if the ending is perhaps a bit scary and gruesome...well, so is your average fairy tale!

https://www.horror-mall.com/store/product.php?productid=16715&cat=297&page=1

Score!

2007-12-12T17:34:00.000-08:00

I got word today that my story "The Bell...FROM HELL!!!" was accepted for the new Horror Writers Association anthology, edited by Kevin J. Anderson and to be published by Pocket Books (meaning: available in bookstores across the country). The book, BLOOD LITE, is a collection of humorous horror stories, and so I don't have to tell you that I would've been bawling like a slapped second-grader if I'd been rejected.

"Wow!" you're no doubt thinking. "You're in a Pocket Books anthology? Your skills at writing tales of humorous horror must be just flat-out swell. Oh, how I regret passing up the opportunity to purchase your upcoming--in February--collection GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES! No doubt after thousands of readers glimpse that bell from hell story, they'll actively seek out more of your demented short works, and, woe and misery, I could've had a copy reserved for my own enjoyment and subsequent obscenely inflated auction price!"

Fear not, slacker:

https://www.horror-mall.com/store/product.php?productid=16740

Now off with ye!

Random Bits-o-Blogging

2007-12-10T18:09:00.000-08:00

1. In my novel CASKET FOR SALE (ONLY USED ONCE), Andrew Mayhem gets his left pinky chopped off. He goes on to have a wild, action-packed adventure. I slashed my left pinky while opening a stupid self-heating container of cocoa, and it hurts like a sumbitch. You don't realize how much you use your left pinky in the typing process until it's bandaged up.

2. Got my official acceptance for a short story today: "The Apocalypse Ain't So Bad." According to the acceptance letter, one of the slushpile readers' reaction was "Bravo! Now this is dark comedy at its finest." Cool. I'm not allowed to blab the name of the anthology yet, but I will soon. (For those of you in HWA, no, it wasn't BLOOD LITE. I did submit a story to that one, and as of yet I haven't received word that I'm out of the running...)

3. ENCHANTED is a textbook example of a wonderful movie that could have gone terribly, terribly wrong. Handled differently, this could've easily been the worst movie of the year. Instead, it's one of the best. (Though I have yet to see NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.)

4. Personal note to Jason Lee: If you can't get the "ALVIN!!!" shout right, you shouldn't be playing Dave in the ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS movie. I mean, really.

5. The cover to the new Andrew Mayhem project (not Book #4; more like Book #3.25) is way-cool. Keep watching this space.

The Flop Sweat Was Forming At My Temples...

2007-12-09T14:48:00.001-08:00

DISPOSAL has actually earned me some of the best reviews of my career. However, this review made me very nervous while I was reading it. Check it out, and tell me those first couple of paragraphs don't sound like they're building up to something like "But never in my life did I imagine that the fates would torture me with such cruelty as to make me read DISPOSAL!"

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/disposal-review

Book of the Week, Episode II

2007-12-09T08:38:00.000-08:00

Know what would suck? You write this awesome book. Early readers call it one of the best debut novels in a loooooooooong time. You sell it to a small press that seems destined for greatness. Horror fans whisper "Gotta read it gotta read it gotta read it gotta read it" in their sleep. The hype is phenomenal. Your book gets published...

...and then your publisher goes out of business. Bookstores report difficulty getting the copies they need to fill pre-orders. Just when the ordering frenzy should be at its highest peak, the book is unavailable.

And so it happened with John R. Little and his novel THE MEMORY TREE. Oh, sure, I got my copy directly from him at the World Horror Convention--heh heh--but in the end he was left with a large audience and a small number of books. Better than having dumpsters filled with books that nobody wants to buy, but still, it sucks.

(The demise of Nocturne Press also cost readers the chance to read THE CORRUPTED by Drew Williams--which has since found another publisher--and PEOPLE ARE STRANGE by James Newman, for which I wrote a very silly foreword. What a cruel, cruel world!)

But, hey, when you've got talent like John Little, you move up in the world. Namely, to Necessary Evil Press, home to some of the finest-lookin' collector's edition books on the market. Though best known for their hardcovers, they also do a series of paperback novelettes featuring the rising talents, the most recent of which is PLACEHOLDERS by...wait for it...John R. Little.

PLACEHOLDERS is one of those stories where the surprises start from the very beginning, and I really don't want to spoil anything. I could do the high-concept movie trick of saying that it's "_________ meets _________" but that would a) give away too much, and b) be a disservice to the sheer inventiveness of this novelette. It falls into the "What the hell is going on?" category of storytelling, which is not a favorite of mine, but I loved this one and tore through it to the (completely satisfying) conclusion.

It's heartfelt. It's suspenseful. It's fascinating. It's mean and nasty. It is, quite simply, a great story, wonderfully told. You must buy it, read it, and cackle with glee ten years from now when it's worth enough to buy a private island.

Oh, yeah--this one, a 275-copy limited edition--is sold out from the publisher, though unlike THE MEMORY TREE that was supposed to happen. Usually "sold out" means that you can still get it pretty easily from online bookstores, but I see now that I'm trying to pull up the appropriate URLs for your clicking convenience that PLACEHOLDERS seems to be pretty darn scarce. However, it looks like you can get all three of the Necessary Evil Press novelettes as a set (all highly recommended--in fact, author Michael McBride will be featured for Book of the Week #3) right here:

http://www.camelotbooks.com/catalog/product_info.php?manufacturers_id=125&products_id=2709

A Google search will turn up other sources (with a markup, unfortunately). Keep up with the world of John R. Little at his personal website right here: http://www.johnrlittle.com/

Black Quill Award!

2007-12-03T16:53:00.001-08:00

Dark Scribe Magazine recently announced the nominees for their first annual Black Quill Awards, showcasing cool horror stuff. THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR is up for Best Small Press Chill (aka "Best Small Press Novel or Novella"), and it's also up for Best Cover Art.

Visit the handy URL below to check out the snazzy video presentation of the nominees (or read them in regular ol' list form) and then vote, damn ye!

http://www.darkscribemagazine.com/nominees/

Book of the Week, Episode I

2007-12-02T16:37:00.001-08:00

Hey, kids, it's Sunday! And you DON'T know what that means, because it's a brand new feature on this blog: Book of the Week, where I babble about some book that I didn't write but which you should order anyway.

I get asked to read a lot of books for potential quotes saying how awesome they are, and I've been trying to say "NO!!!" like a heartless bastard because I don't want to be seen as a blurb slut. Most of the time, though, I wuss out and say "Sure." It's still pretty cool to read a book before the general public, and some of my favorite books of the year (JOHN DIES AT THE END by David Wong and NOTHING TO LOSE by Steve Vernon) came from blurb requests.

So, over the weekend I finished reading a PDF of Scott T. Goudsward's TRAILER TRASH and thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn't know anything about the book beforehand, but I kinda figured from the title that it was some good ol' redneck horror. Nope. It's a vampire novel.

What I liked most about this book is the scope. An amazing amount of stuff happens in 280 pages. In fact, there are almost times where the book moves TOO fast, where you realize that you've covered in a single chapter what another reasonably fast-paced novel would've covered in three, but I'll take this over a novel where vampires stand around moping for 50 pages at a time any day.

Lots of action, lots of suspense, interesting characters, and a touch of humor make TRAILER TRASH a fun, unpretentious read. It doesn't reinvent the vampire mythos or shake the genre to its foundation...but it's a darn good horror novel.

Check it out here: http://goudsward.com/scott/trailer_trash/index.htm

Candy!!!

2007-12-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

I recently finished reading CANDYFREAK by Steve Almond, a very entertaining account of one man's obsession with candy consumption. Since this blog often covers important candy matters, I thought I'd share some candy lists and encourage you to share your own.

My All-Time Favorite Candies (in no particular order)

1. Haribo gummi bears
2. Red Vines licorice
3. Chewy Tart & Tiny
4. Jelly Bellies (with a special shout-out to Juicy Pear)
5. Cadbury Fruit & Nut chocolate bar
6. Sour Starburst
7. Shockers (formerly Shock Tarts)

My Least Favorite Major-Brand Candies (so that I'm not counting, say, this nasty-nasty-NASTY red licorice I bought in college, which was so bad that I couldn't finish it, and believe me when I say that licorice has to be unspeakably foul for me to reject it) (and also not that cheap pseudo-chocolate they sell at candy-consuming holidays)

1. Butterfinger
2. Whoppers
3. Anything coffee-flavored

Most Overrated:

1. M&Ms. I like 'em, but they ain't all that.
2. Anything with peanut butter, except, ironically, for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Most Disappointing Formula Changes:

1. Tangy Taffy. Tangy Taffy was my absolute favorite candy as a kid. But now, in an attempt to appeal to the dumber kids of today, they've mixed weird sprinkles into it. I don't like the sprinkles. I don't like sprinkles on cupcakes, either. They've ruined one of the finest candies ever. Bastards.

2. Good & Fruity. Good & Fruity used to be a challenge. Fresh out of the package, it chewed like it had been sitting out in your grandmother's candy bowl for the past six years. But it was tasty! Then they went with the new, softer edition. Good & Plenty made it through unscathed, but Good & Fruity suddenly just tasted like a jelly bean. I'm not sure if this was a fatal change, but I haven't seen Good & Fruity in years.

All right, kids, leave a comment and let's hear your own favorite/least favorite candy!

First Reactions

2007-11-28T17:40:00.001-08:00

I've heard back from three test readers re: "Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine." Some excerpts:

"Although totally depraved and sick, I have to admit that I laughed my ass off (and felt bad for doing so) several times..."

"One of your stronger stories. It became more surreal and entertaining as it went. Not the kind of surreal that these people who write surreal fiction claim is surreal when it's really just disjointed, but the fun dark stuff."

"I liked it. Found it more blackly amusing than hilarious."

Will the other test readers also enjoy it, or have I used up all of the goodwill toward this piece? Stay tuned...

A Glorious New Tale

2007-11-27T18:11:00.001-08:00

I finished a new short story tonight: "Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine."

That sound you hear is the test readers saying "WTF???"

Turkey Week Recap

2007-11-24T09:21:00.001-08:00

So, I'm back from Tucson. (I type this with some measure of optimism, because as I write this I'm actually flying over Texas.) Loyal readers of this blog will know that I had a run of over 10 years with a delay on every single flight I ever took, but then the curse vanished for a few months, and then it returned with a devastating vengeance. It seems to be gone again. We'll see what happens when I fly to Oregon in March.

The first full day there we went to Old Tucson Studios, which is where a huge number of movies have been filmed, although for some reason they seem especially proud of THREE AMIGOS. In Florida, a couple of the theme parks have Old West-style shoot 'em up stunt shows, but the shows at Old Tucson Studios are slightly different in that they have splattering blood and depressing endings where just about everybody is dead. You don't see a lot of "wallowing in misery as you cradle your best friend's bloody corpse" moments at Disney.

Everybody at Old Tucson Studios seems to love their job, from the tour guide to the noisy old guy in the haunted mine to the lady who sold my wife ice cream that was the scariest shade of blue I've ever seen. And the drive there is like a roller coaster, so you get a free ride out of it. Highly recommended.

That night we went to a dinner show, which was a take-off on A CHRISTMAS CAROL. If I'm not mistaken, this flipped the odometer of A CHRISTMAS CAROL take-offs from 9999999 to 0000000 so we have to start counting again.

The next day we went to Tombstone and saw a reenactment of the gunfight at the O.K. Corral, which was historically accurate except with worse dialogue. Then we went to Boot Hill and exhumed a guy who'd been hanged by mistake. Some tourists got upset and the Tombstone police showed up and asked us to stop prying open the coffin, but I gave them each a signed copy of GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY) and they cheerfully helped us dig up the next one. We staged a mock gunfight with the bodies, and I used one of the jawbones to kill a rattler at fifty feet. It was fun.

(Okay, okay...that's what we WOULD have done if SOMEBODY hadn't forgotten the shovel and crowbar, not that I'm naming names.)

For dinner we went to a steak house where the only rule is "No Ties." (Actually, I suspect that they do have other rules, such as "No Arson," but "No Ties" is the only one they promote.) If you wear a tie, they'll cut it right off, and the dismembered remains of hundreds of ties dangle from the ceiling as a warning to other neck adornments. We did get to witness the severing of a few ties, but they were people wearing t-shirts who had purposely wore ties just for the giddy thrill of having them lopped off. The steak rocked.

The next day the womenfolk wanted to go to a spa to get massages, facials, manicures, and pedicures. They tried to convince my brother-in-law and me to go. There was much insistence that men regularly go and have their toenails filed and polished. I'm sure they do. Good for them. I hope they run their fingers lovingly over their toenails and wiggle in glee. My brother-in-law and I, however, weren't going to get any f***ing pedicures, and the whole spa plan collapsed.

My sister got me the Thanksgiving collection of Jones Soda, which is actual soda in Thanksgiving-themed flavors; namely, Dinner Roll, Sweet Potato, Pea, Antacid, and, yes, Turkey and Gravy. You can probably surmise that these were not exactly the finest flavors of soda humankind has ever tasted, but if you take nothing else from this blog, please heed this warning: Do NOT drink turkey and gravy-flavored Jones Soda. Just don't.

However, much real turkey was consumed.

We also went to a wine tasting, but that gets its own separate blog...

I Wasn't Makin' It Up!

2007-11-15T19:51:00.001-08:00

Today the postman brought a box stuffed full o' copies of DISPOSAL. It looks niiiiiiiiiiiiice. People who ordered directly from Biting Dog Press either have them already or will in the next day or so, and the booksellers should have their stock in hand any second now (except for the Shocklines copies--those are on their way to artist Keith Minnion for the remarquees).

It's thin and it's pricey, but the reviews indicate that it packs a hella lotta entertainment value in there. So if you're one of those folks who thinks "I'm not ordering a gosh-darn thing until there are verified sightings of the actual book; Homey don't play that pre-order stuff," then you need wait no longer!

Order it from the Horror Mall. https://www.horror-mall.com/store/home.php?cat=250

Read about it and/or talk about it in this thread right here: http://www.horror-mall.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=20

Watch a new-fangled video review right here: http://micheleleebooklove.blogspot.com/2007/11/disposal-by-jeff-strand.html

Eight More Films To Die For

2007-11-11T08:56:00.001-08:00

Yep, this weekend was the second year of the After Dark Horrorfest (which runs through the 18th). There was a lot of criticism of this year's event--mostly in the form of hilariously illiterate posts in the Horrorfest forums--and the movies I saw played to crowds even smaller than Halloweenapalooza. But, hey, they put eight independent horror flicks in my local theatre, none of which were Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN, and so I was there, baby!

The rundown...

UNEARTHED: The creature from ALIEN (uncredited) kills people in the desert. I'm always up for a monster movie, but this is yet another in the long line of films directed in the "Whenever something cool happens, let's just SHAKESHAKESHAKE the camera as hard as we can and render the sequence incoherent!" style. I wonder if these people are saving money by just pointing a camera at their cat or their bookshelf, since we can't tell what's happening anyway. As you might expect, UNEARTHED doesn't offer a whole lot beyond the monster attacks, and thus doesn't offer anything.

BORDERLANDS: Though this one will certainly be catgorized as "torture porn," it really isn't. Oh, sure, there's torture in it, especially in the grueling opening sequence, but the question is always "Will they get out of this mess?" and not "How will they die?" Suspenseful, exciting, and even offers up some nice character touches.

CRAZY EIGHTS: ...and the glory of BORDERLANDS comes crashing back down. The acting is pretty good (well, okay, not Traci Lords so much) but this one is horribly written and directed. A textbook example of shocks that just flat-out don't work. If a guy falls down some stairs and mangles his leg, or a window comes down and crushes somebody's neck, there should be SOME kind of impact, but these and countless other moments are handled so poorly that you barely even register that they happened until the characters start talking about it.

THE DEATHS OF IAN STONE: ...and then we bounce back up with this inventive, energetic movie about a guy who dies every single day, and wakes up in another life. Yeah, I could've done without the bad guys dressing up in MATRIX gear, but this was the most flat-out entertaining film of the festival. If any of them get a solo release (like THE ABANDONED last year), it'll probably be this one.

MULBERRY STREET: In New York City, rat bites turn people into psycho killer human rats. Though it sounds cheesy (heh) it's played completely straight and is surprisingly scary and intense. The characters (poor residents of a run-down apartment complex) and likeable and we kinda hope they don't turn into psycho killer human rats. Uses that same frickin' SHAKESHAKESHAKE camerawork as UNEARTHED, but to much better effect.

TOOTH AND NAIL: The quality curve of this one is like a playground slide. Starts off great, and then gradually becomes not-so-great, and then is merely good, and by the end it's absolutely brain-dead. It's so stupid by the end that it assumes that the audience's intelligence has been sucked away with the film's, and thus gives us a late flashback to illustrate a plot point that not even the dumbest, drunkest audience member could have missed. Bummer.

LAKE DEAD: Contributes absolutely nothing new to the genre, but it's a good ol' fashioned inbred redneck slasher flick, and on that level it works just fine. You won't find me complaining about good ol' fashioned inbred redneck slasher flicks. I liked it. You might not. I discourage you from doing a hard-sell to convince a loved one to see it using my recommendation as a selling point, but I had fun and I admit it without shame.

NIGHTMARE MAN: Actually, this one plays today, but I saw it last year at the Halloween Horror Picture Show and really enjoyed it. Good ol' fashioned supernatural slasher fun, without the inbred rednecks.

With the pathetic attendance this year, a third one seems unlikely...but then again, the whole event is largely an advertisement for the DVD releases anyway. If there is, I'll be there. Come join me--I won't have any trouble saving you a seat.

And Germans Have The Best Gummi Bears, Too...

2007-11-07T15:34:00.001-08:00

From Publishers Marketplace: The Latest Deals.

FOREIGN RIGHTS: FICTION

German rights to Jeff Strand's GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY), SINGLE WHITE PSYCHOPATH SEEKS SAME, and CASKET FOR SALE (ONLY USED ONCE), consisting of humorous horror titles, to Michael Krug at Otherworld Verlag, in a nice deal, by Thomas Schlueck of The Schlueck Agency, on behalf of Jenny Rappaport at the L. Perkins Agency.

That's right, baby, my books are going to appear in TWO languages worldwide. Sweet.

DISPOSAL Reviews: New-n-Old

2007-11-05T17:46:00.001-08:00

As the publication date of DISPOSAL grows nearer and nearer...ever nearer...oh so nearer...I thought this seemed like an appropriate time to bug the crap out of you about ordering it if you haven't already, by sharing some delightful reviews.

Such as this brand new one from The Horror Library. Five stars outta five. "All in all, Strand has put together one hell of a page-turner here. It’s the kind of book that you pick up, rip through, then want to read everything else the author has ever written."

http://www.horrorlibrary.net/index.php?page=php_reviews_one_month&date=11/2007

Or this one from Literary Strange Digest: "The prose flows with ease and the plot takes many twists, reinventing itself every few pages. The overwhelming strength of the book is Strand's creativity and playfulness with the story. If this book does not thrill you or make you laugh at least once, you have no business reading horror fiction."

http://literarystrangedigest.blogspot.com/

Meanwhile, since we can look forward to a bunch of reruns if the WGA strike goes on too long, here are some reruns of previous attempts to coerce you into buying a copy:

"Quickly spirals into the sort of frenzied chaos that marks Strand at his best. The events unfold with the same sort of insane speed that you get from watching Sam Raimi's EVIL DEAD movies."

--The Dark Library, http://www.bloodlettingbooks.com/dibyjestrbyj.html

"A dark comedy so smartly funny that laughing through bodily mutilation is your only option. The author knows how to work the reader, never jolting you out of your suspension of disbelief, no matter how outrageous and over the top the plot gets."

--SF Reader http://www.sfreader.com/read_review.asp?book=1086

"DISPOSAL is sure to please with Strand's trademark unsettling brand of humor. His writing is rough and disturbing and this book is unquestionably a “no-holds-barred” roller-coaster ride that is sure to cross a few lines, but I’m here to tell you that it is well worth the price of admission

--Horror World http://www.horrorworld.org/march_2007.htm

"In DISPOSAL, Jeff Strand proves once again why he's the king of comedic horror, with a story so unrelentingly surprising and unflinchingly nasty that there's something entertaining to be found on every single page. This is a funny -- painfully funny -- read, dripping with pitch black humor and lots of light literary wit."

-- Michael Arnzen, three time Bram Stoker Award winner and author of LICKER and PLAY DEAD

The first two reviews also have nice things to say about the TEN forewords, from famous authors you like better than me. (Also J.A. Konrath.)

So don't be a dorky nerdy geek. Make sure you're one of the cool people who get DISPOSAL right away, before you overhear somebody give away the best part while standing in line at the bagel shop.

You can order your copy from The Horror Mall, right here:

https://www.horror-mall.com/store/product.php?productid=16259&cat=0&page=1

(Note that the ETA of December 15 is a conservative estimate. DISPOSAL is scheduled to ship to online booksellers within the week.)

Graveside Tales Interview!

2007-11-02T08:38:00.001-07:00

Joel Sutherland conducted a groovy ol' interview with me for the Halloween issue of the Graveside Tales newsletter. Check it out right here, kiddies!

http://gravesidetales.com/index.php?option=com_letterman&task=view&Itemid=44&id=2

Venture Into...The Horror Mall!

2007-11-02T08:11:00.001-07:00

Shane Ryan Staley of Delirium Books and Larry Roberts of Bloodletting Books have joined evil forces to create The Horror Mall: Dark Oddities Emporium, your online one-chop shopping place for all things horrific. The site went live on Halloween and currently is just a bookstore, but all manner of product will be added as their empire grows and grows and grows like Audrey II, soon to devour the world in an ending that even the most passionate of test audiences won't be able to convince the studio to reshoot.

Though they're adding stock rapidly, they do already have all of my horror stuff, including trade paperback and hardcover editions of the Andrew Mayhem series, pre-orders for DISPOSAL and GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, and THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR. Remember: stuffing a ballot box to win an election is wrong, but stuffing a shopping cart to win a bestseller list is an honorable practice.

The URL to my very special Horror Mall page is https://www.horror-mall.com/store/home.php?cat=250

If you don't want to buy any of my books, but you want to check out the mall, go to https://www.horror-mall.com/store/

Halloweenapalooza Report!

2007-10-21T11:53:00.001-07:00

Halloweenapalooza (formerly The Halloween Horror Picture Show) featured the most extreme content of all five years of the festival . Almost all of the features would have to be released unrated, and I don't mean "PG-13 movie that added the F-word to the DVD release so they could plaster 'Unrated' on the box." Sadly, it was another year of "Where the hell are all the people???" but still, as always, the event was gobs-o-fun.

The features...

HOODOO FOR VOODOO - A very entertaining horror/comedy with a great soundtrack. Though it's not quite as funny as it needs to be to justify the silly tone (there are some good sight gags and one-liners, but the movie needs more of 'em), there are some definite "Whoa!!!" gore gags and the whole movie is a lot of fun. A nice way to start the festival.

DEATH ON DEMAND - Six people go on a reality internet show where they must survive the night in a house where horrible, horrible events took place. This supernatural slasher flick is filled with unlikable-but-entertaining characters, lots of laughs, and sex-and-gore-a-plenty. A real crowd pleaser of a movie...even if it was a teeny tiny crowd.

THE BUNKER - Directed by Joseph Monks, who is totally blind. Ironically, the visual elements of the film are pretty darn good, but the story is padded to the point where it actually becomes laughable. It's got slooooooow opening and closing credits, an unrelated bookend story (which itself is padded out with an unrelated sex scene), several scenes that could be snipped with zero impact to the final product, and a late scene where a character explains What's Really Going On in a phone call, followed immediately by flashbacks that show us exactly what we just learned. THE BUNKER is well-acted and definitely has some effective moments, but it should've been a half-hour short.

100 TEARS - My wife and I didn't stick around for this one because we'd already seen it. But I'll cover it anyway. After the first 15 minutes, I thought that I might be witnessing the greatest slasher film ever. Unfortunately, it becomes repetitious very quickly (one shot of intestines spewing onto the floor is gasp-inducing; three or four of them...not so much) and though the acting is good, the writing is weak. Still worth seeing--it IS a psycho killer clown movie, after all.

GIMME SKELTER - A whack-job who believes that he's the son of Charles Manson and his followers embark on a killing spree in a small town. Though not officially a horror-comedy, the movie has some huge laughs (most notably the payoff to some "Missing Girl" posters seen throughout), more attention to character than you might expect, smart dialogue, and lots-o-gore. I loved it.

GHOST MONTH - The only "classy" film of the event, and also the only one shot on film instead of digital video. An effective little ghost story, but nothing we haven't seen before. Loses points because after one revelation, our heroine doesn't scream "And you're just NOW telling me this?!?" She really should have. But earns points because the ghosts are done with makeup and masks instead of being all CGI.

BLOOD CAR - Halloweenapalooza got this one on my recommendation. One of my favorite micro-budget horror efforts. Hilariously tasteless throughout, but the last few minutes in particular are an absolute masterpiece of dark comedy.

After BLOOD CAR, there was a block of nine short films. "Gruesome" is, of course, the music video based on Greg Lamberson's novel JOHNNY GRUESOME, which I'd already seen a few times but never on the big screen, so that was pretty darn cool. I won't discuss the others individually, but aside from W.O.R.M., I wasn't enthralled with any of 'em. Too many of them ended with no real answer to the question of "Why did people feel this idea was worth the time and energy?" Moving back to features...

THE BLOOD SHED - There is an audience out there that will find this to be the most hilarious, demented, messed-up horror/comedy of all time. I hope they discover it and treasure it always. But personally, I frickin' HATED this movie. It grated on me. It made me want to cry. When you don't care about or like any of the characters, it simply becomes weirdness for weirdness sake, and this has some of the most annoying, cringe-inducing weirdness I've ever seen in a movie. The only good thing about it is that it just sort of ends without much warning, when I was expecting the torture to go on for another fifteen or twenty minutes. Ranks up there with EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES and THE PIANO TEACHER as my all-time most unpleasant cinematic experiences.

ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES! - Zombies vs. Strippers. That's pretty much all you need to know to make a qualified decision on whether this movie is for you. Obviously, this is not a motion picture that takes itself seriously, but it offers up plenty of zombies and plenty of strippers. The first few minutes were in 3-D, although the 3-D really didn't work very well (unless my eyes were just screwed up after a day and a half of movies). One of the most entertaining films of the festival.

The next film was 99 PIECES, which sounded good, but quite honestly after that many movies we were brain-fried and not up for what sounded like an interesting but probably slow-moving and quiet film. (I have no idea if that description is accurate, but the movie certainly wasn't zombies vs. strippers.) So we left. Hopefully I'll be able to track this one down and report back.

Will next year be the year the Halloween Horror Picture Show / Halloweenapalooza finally attracts the audience it deserves? I'll certainly be reminding you about it on this blog, so keep reading for the next year.

Survivor: Total Geek Post (Part One)

2007-10-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post rates the various twists Survivor has thrown into the game over the seasons. It obviously contains mega-mega spoilers for those of you who might be planning to watch prior seasons on DVD. And it's way too nerdy for most readers. Beware.

I'll start with season two, since that's obviously when they started changing the game. Ratings are on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being best.

AUSTRALIA: Actually, this game pretty much played it straight. The only "twist" was that after the merge, the players had to build a whole new camp instead of moving everybody to one of the already established ones. But they were pretty upset about it, which was fun to watch. Rating: 2

AFRICA: They happen all the time now, but the first team swap was a huge shocker. (My quote when they hinted at it in the preview: "They'd NEVER do that! It would be unfair!") And it was unfair...and it continues to be unfair as many a good players has gotten screwed over by ending up stranded from his or her alliance...but it does keep the game interesting. Rating: 3

MARQUESAS: In theory, this season had a big twist: The players were given no food!!! But Marquesas had plentiful dining opportunities, and the players actually ate better than previous contestants. Rating: 2

THAILAND: We were promised that "the game would start in a completely different way that would change the entire game!" This turned out to be...the players picked their own teams. Lame. Rating: 1

Thailand also had the voluntary team swap. But nobody took Jeff Probst up on the offer, even the ones who wanted to switch. This one earns an extra point just for Jeff Probst's pained smile when he said "Good, everybody's happy then." Rating: 2

But midway through, we were treated to the Phony Merge. The players were told that they were now two tribes living on the same island, but nobody took that literally, and Shii-Ann proceded to jump ship and ditch her "former" teammates. Of course, she then discovered that they were still her teammates, and quickly went bye-bye when they lost the challenge. The worst season of Survivor overall, but one of the greatest moments. Rating: 5

AMAZON: The teams were divided into Men vs. Women! Lots of fun followed. Rating: 4

Each team also had a mysterious black box that they weren't allowed to open. When they finally were allowed to do so, it basically just said "Okay, you started out as Men vs. Women, then the tribes swapped some players, and now you're going to merge." The point seemed to be to prove that the producers planned things out beforehand. Rating: 2

PEARL ISLANDS: The players thought they were on their way to a pre-game photo shoot...but nope, game on, and they started the game in their civilian clothes. Heh heh. Rating: 3

The players also started in a Panama village, where they were given some money to buy supplies. However, one team had (ultimate winner) Sandra, who spoke Spanish and thus gave her team a HUGE advantage. Mucho unfair. Rating: 2

And, of course, the most infamous twist in Survivor history: The Outcasts. The first six players voted out, who'd been relaxing in a hotel for up to 18 days, competed in a purely physical challenge against the remaining players. Of course they won, and two of them got to return to the game. And they proceeded to win almost all of the individual challenges. And Lil--whose pouty face we were HAPPY to see get voted out third, made it all the way to the Final Two. It was an interesting twist for sure, but way too much of a switch from the core rules. Rating: 1

VANUATU: Men vs. Women again, to much lesser effect. The opening, where the men participated in a native ritual while the women sat off on the sidelines, was too blatant of an attempt to generate conflict. Rating: 2

ALL-STARS: Instead of two teams of eight, we started with three teams of six! Not that big of a deal, except that it gave obvious targets (i.e., previous winners) even less chance to defend themselves. Rating: 2

Instead of a merge, there was a late team swap. On its own, this was a pretty mild twist...but the teams stayed the same, except for Amber switching to the other side. With the Rob/Amber power duo broken up, with the despised Jerri promising total devotion to Lex and thus giving him the ultimate Final Two opponent, and with Amber completely unable to defend herself, Lex decided to...vote out Jerri, in the hopes that Rob (who we'd seen from Marquesas was a shameless liar) would be grateful. It was the single stupidest move in the entire history of the game, Rob cheerfully screwed Lex over, and Lex acted like a big whiny baby about it. Rating: 4

To be continued...

Survived the Scary Review Site!

2007-10-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

Had I known that Horror-Web was going to review THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR, I would've jittery and twitchy and pukey for the past couple of weeks. I've been treated kindly by them in the past, but if they don't like something, they take intense pleasure in ripping it to bloody shreds--this is NOT an "Everything is wonderful and we're all just super!!!" site. They rate books on a 1-to-5 star scale, though if they think your book REALLY sucks, you get the dreaded "black star." In that case, there's really nothing to do but weep.

Fortunately, THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR did not get the black star. In fact, we got not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but four-and-a-half stars! Huzzah!

"James A. Moore and Jeff Strand are a literary dream team. Devout readers of the genre are in for a real treat as these two horror heavyweights combine forces and battle their characters to the bloody death....Remember how it felt to inventory and consume your candy on Halloween night? That’s the atmosphere in the forest. You feel like a glutton, like you couldn’t possibly stomach one more gooey demise, but you turn the page and unwrap another nightmare anyway."

Check out the rest of the review right here:

http://www.horror-web.com/reviews/YaBB.cgi?board=Books;action=display;num=1192177383

Shipping Updates And Other Stuff

2007-10-13T18:54:00.001-07:00

If you ordered a copy of THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR directly from Earthling Publications, you should either a) already have it, or b) pitch a tent by your mailbox, 'cuz you'll have it soon.

If you ordered it from a bookseller, you have a bit longer to wait--but not much, since big boxes o' books are hobbling poor postal employees at this very moment and should be in your seller of choice's hands any day now.

And the wait is almost over for DISPOSAL, which should ship in late October or early November.

Meanwhile, BEYOND THE MUNDANE: UNRAVELINGS is going out of print effective November 1st. My contribution to this anthology, "Abbey's Shriek," is part of GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, but if you want to be a true completist instead of a fair-weather completist, this is your last chance.

http://www.mundania.com/books-unravelings.html

Also meanwhile, Dark Arts Books is running a Halloween special on CANDY IN THE DUMPSTER and WAITING FOR OCTOBER--a couple bucks off the cover price and free shipping, plus a $9 savings if you buy both of 'em before trick-or-treat day. My WAITING FOR OCTOBER stories "Gramma's Corpse" and "Here's What Happened..." are not included in GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES, so you'd best get to orderin', hear?

http://www.darkartsbooks.com/special.shtml

Beware!

2007-10-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have a video camera now. Muahahahahahaha!!!!

Yes, I'm Posting About...Britney Spears

2007-10-05T15:42:00.001-07:00

Usually my Britney Spears online experience consists of seeing that she's the top news story every day and then not clicking the link. It's a very simple, carefree way to go about my life. I did click the link today, however, because I just couldn't believe that it was on the Top News page on AOL.

The story was: Britney Spears' car wouldn't start.

Not: Britney Spears' car wouldn't start, and she tearfully begged uncaring passers-by for help, and when the tow truck showed up the driver said "I hope your tires rot off, skank!!!" and sped off, and she started throwing crumpled hundred dollar bills at random people, and then she started trying to eat her radio antenna.

Nope. Her car wouldn't start. And then...it did. Though the article leaves us hanging, I'm pretty sure that Britney drove away in her newly started car and probably went somewhere.

I don't typically include emoticons in my blog entries, but this is worth a frowny face. :( Mostly because I've been driven to devote a blog entry to Britney Spears. Crap.

It Exists! It Exists!

2007-10-05T07:26:00.001-07:00

I got my author copies of THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR yesterday--well, not all of them. This was the special Earthling Publications "Maintain Our Authors' Sanity By Flinging A Few Copies Into The Mail ASAP" package. It's one niiiiiiiice lookin' book. I've already said how great the interior illustrations by Glenn Chadbourne are, but people who said "Whoa! What a cool cover!" should also know that the book has a full-color Chadbourne painting on the back cover as well.

If you take off the dustjacket, the cover is brown, and the endpapers are dark green, giving the whole book a nice "foresty" feel.

It's really an outstanding presentation--almost TOO outstanding for a novel that Publishers Weekly said was just a gorefest! Although Horror World had this to say:

"Moore and Strand heap scares upon plot twists in one of the freshest and most entertaining novels in recent years...Moore and Strand seem to play into each other’s strengths. Moore’s rich characterization is present throughout. There’s not a throwaway stereotype in this novel’s large cast. Each character is treated as a living breathing person, with a fully realized back story and distinctive personality. Jeff Strand’s brand of black comedy is abundant, along with Strand’s sure hand on the rudder of the story. The authors offer a frightening and high-octane tale, presented as an apocalyptic disaster movie. Sort of The Exorcist meets The Towering Inferno meets Dante’s Inferno."

You can read the rest of the review right here: http://www.horrorworld.org/reviews.htm

Meanwhile, GoreZone magazine will be saying:

"[An] absolute gem of a read...What comes next is over two hundred pages of non stop, in your face, gore drenched action...You will be exhausted by the time you reach the satisfying last page...Think Jurassic Park with bloodthirsty demons on an adrenaline rush and you have THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR."

GoreZone is a UK magazine with a 50,000 copy worldwide distribution. The review itself is actually way better than that excerpt, but I didn't want you to say "No way! The review can't be THAT good! You're making stuff up, Strand! Enough with your deception!" But once that issue hits the newsstands next month, you'll want to have already secured your own copy of this limited-to-500-copies collector's edition of THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR, unless you want to pay some kid named "BookHoarder777" big bucks on eBay.

Here is a trio of ordering options for your clicking convenience:

www.earthlingpub.com/jmjs_forest.htm

www.bloodlettingbooks.com/hafotobyjaam.html

www.deliriumbooks.com/catalog/product.php?productid=54&cat=11&page=1

Necronomicon & Halloweenapalooza!

2007-10-01T17:09:00.001-07:00

Necronomicon 2007 is coming up this very weekend in Tampa, Friday through Sunday. I'll be taking up space on the following panels:

SATURDAY:

12:00 PM: "The Best Horror You've Never Heard Of."

4:00 PM: "Humor in SF & Horror."

SUNDAY:

11:00 AM: "Writing 'The One Damn Thing After Another' Story"

12:00 PM: "Manuscript Mechanics: What You Need To Know."

For the complete guest list, schedule, and everything else you need to know, check out the official site at http://www.stonehill.org/necro.htm

And, hey, we're only a couple of weeks away from the fifth annual Halloween Horror Picture Show, now expanded to two days and renamed Halloweenapalooza. It looks like another great lineup this year (including the thoroughly entertaining BLOOD CAR). For $15 you get TEN feature films and nine shorts, plus director/star introductions and Q&A for several of them. In a world where our local AMC theatre is STILL playing that f***ing Rob Zombie HALLOWEEN remake, anybody in the general vicinity of Florida should really get out here and support this event. I'll be there from beginning to end.

(Okay, I've already seen 100 TEARS, which plays at midnight on Friday, so I might skip out early. But I'll be there for every other minute of mayhem!)

http://www.halloweenhorrorpictureshow.com

Publishers Weekly on THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR

2007-09-29T17:46:00.001-07:00

Publishers Weekly reviews THE HAUNTED FOREST TOUR in the next (Oct. 1st) issue...and they didn't like it.

"Underplotted and overstuffed with grisly mayhem, this extreme horror extravaganza unfolds like an exhibit at the supernatural theme park in which it's set.....a splattery feeding frenzy.....Moore and Strand devote considerable effort and energy to ghoulishly inventive descriptions of dismemberment, disembowelment and death, but the relentlessness of the carnage and the casualness with which the monsters dispose of even major characters quickly pall.....this story is intended primarily to be a simple bloody monster mash."

Hey, I'd buy that!

Heavy boxes of books are on their way to Earthling Publications at this very moment, and it should ship in plenty of time for Halloween.

http://www.earthlingpub.com/jmjs_forest.htm

The First HAUNTED FOREST TOUR Review

2007-09-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Actually, there are three HAUNTED FOREST TOUR reviews out there that I'm aware of (I'll share the other two shortly) but the Fear Zone review appeared first, so I'll start with that one.

It's a very insightful, in-depth review by J.G. Faherty, not all positive, rating the book 8.5 out of 10, with the following awesome quote: "If you enjoyed SHAUN OF THE DEAD in the theaters, you'll absolutely love this book." I'd rather get a thoughtful review with a couple of gripes than a "Jeff Stand is the next Steven King!" all-out rave, and while I might disagree with one major point (maybe just as the overprotective co-father of the baby that is being discussed) it's a well-done review and shows great promise for the new Fear Zone site.

Check it out right here:

http://www.fearzone.com/blog/book-review-the-haunted-forest-tour

Five For Writing

2007-09-27T15:49:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I'm going to declare this blog a G________ M______ T____-free zone for the next...I dunno, few days or so.

In the meantime, Richard Dansky has a lovely feature on his website where he does very short interviews with writers, called Five For Writing. You can check out my interview (which is also a G________ M______ T____-free zone) right here:

http://www.richarddansky.com/index_2.htm

What Sucks Too Much For Even Saturday Night Live?

2007-09-26T16:24:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I saw a Saturday Night Live Best of 2006/2007 DVD, which contains "two unaired skits that were cut after the dress rehearsal." That is an absolutely terrifying thought. How unspeakably awful, how jaw-droppingly wretched, how mind-numbingly atrocious does a skit have to be for Saturday Night Live producers to say "Nope, doesn't meet our standards." On those unfortunate occasions when I watch the show, I'm actually embarrassed for the performers, as they read cue cards containing the lamest comedy material imaginable.

I mean, I guess deep inside I knew that some skits didn't make the final show, but I just can't comprehend the sheer level of suck that must be required for a skit to go unused. Does anybody volunteer to check it out and report back?

---

Gleefully Macabre Tales had a great first day of sales (if they hadn't boosted the print run literally the weekend before it went up for pre-order, they'd be gone, baby, gone). If you haven't placed your order yet, do so quick, so that a) you don't miss out, and b) I don't repeat the "Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic" madness, where I almost sold out in two days, but then those last few frickin' copies took three more days to move. Shane at Delirium doesn't need any more "Are they gone yet???" e-mails.

Also, I didn't mention this before, but you can get your copy of Gleefully Macabre Tales personalized! There's no extra charge for this, but it does require payment up front (otherwise, no prepayment is required) just in case I sign it "To My Sweet Pooky Lovey Bumps!" and you cancel your order, forcing us to scour the globe for somebody named Pooky Lovey Bumps. Just choose that option when you're ordering, right here:

https://www.deliriumbooks.com/catalog/product.php?productid=70